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    I See Purple Triangles And Rainbows In Your Future

    , | California, USA |

    (A boy and his mother come up to my register. The boy starts asking questions about the ant farm we have on display.)

    Boy: “Can they mate?”

    Me: “No, there’s no queen in there.”

    Boy: “Oh… so they can’t mate?”

    Me: “No, they’re all male.”

    Boy: “So they can’t?”

    Mother: *turns to boy* “Okay, shut up or go away! You’re being annoying!”

    Bang Head Here

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

    Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

    Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

    Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

    (I have decided a this point whatever is wrong will be something stupid.)

    Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

    Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

    (Suddenly, the customer calms down.)

    Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

    Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

    Me: “Right click.”

    Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

    Me: *thud thud thud*

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: “Guess.”

    Liar Liar On The Telephone (Wire)

    | Warner Robins, GA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, [company name], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I would like to speak to [company president's first name].”

    Me: “May I ask who is calling?”

    Caller: “This is Joe. He is expecting my call.”

    Me: “… and you are with?”

    Caller: “Just put me through, he knows me and is expecting me to call.”

    Me: “I am sorry sir, but my instructions are to find out who is calling and what company they are with before transferring the call.”

    Caller: “Look, I am his brother and you better put me through right now!”

    Me: “Oh really? Well, I am his sister and I know for a fact that we don’t have a brother.”

    Caller: *click*

    (Salesmen will say anything to get through. And yes, I am the CEO’s sister.)

    Related:
    Liar Liar Panties On Fire

    A Little Thing Called Responsibility

    , | Video Game Store |

    (I walked into a game store and there was a violent car jacking on the local news where a poor couple had been killed. The only person behind the counter is a good friend of mine and an middle-aged woman walks in.)

    Woman: “I can’t believe today’s violence. I blame that, the violent media.”

    Me: “Yeah, people are a little crazy these days.”

    Woman: *to my friend* “Can I have that Call of Duty 4 there, please?”

    My Friend: “Um, who are you buying this for? It’s a little survey the store is doing…”

    Woman: “Oh, of course! It’s for my 13-year-old son. ”

    (As soon as she left, my friend and I busted out laughing.)

    More Frisky Than Frail

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (A man of at least 80 years of age came up to my checkout lane. Here’s what happened as I was bagging his last item.)

    Me: “Man, I just don’t think this is gonna fit in here.”

    Customer, completely straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer, still straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”

    (Needless to say, I nearly died of laughter. If there were only more grandfathers like that out there.)


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