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    Fat Chance Of A Reasonable Customer

    | Glendale, CA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for pants for my daughter.”

    Me: “Okay, what size is your daughter?”

    Customer: “She’s fat like you.”

    Me: “Okay, so I’m a medium. Does your daughter wear mediums?”

    Customer: “No. She’s fat like you. She needs fat pants.”

    Me: “So would a large be okay?”

    Customer: “Fat pants. Large is too small.”

    Me: “Large is the biggest size we have.”

    Customer: “Give me your pants then.”

    Sometimes The Customer Is Right About Being Wrong

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] verifying that you are looking for information on a loan modification.”

    Caller: “I was, until I found out you could you couldn’t help me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure why you think that. We have been able to help lots of people. If you would like, I can connect you with a counselor who will be able to let you know what can be done.”

    Caller: “You can’t do anything for me.”

    Me: “I can assure you that there is something we can do. At least we can provide you with some information.”

    Caller: “You can’t do anything unless you are able to invade the Chinese.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “The only way you can help me is by invading the Chinese.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I think you are right. I don’t think there is anything we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

    Stupidity Bytes

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for coming in! Anything I can help you find today?”

    Customer: “I need the internet.”

    Me: “Okay. You need to get connected to the internet at your house?”

    Customer: “No! I need the internet, idiot. Don’t you guys sell them here with lots of gigglebites and dial-up modems and the like?”

    Me: “You need a computer tower then? We have plenty of those.”

    Customer: “No! I need the internet! My friend has an internet and its fast and has 10 gigglebites.”

    Me: “Okay, I will do everything I can to help you. I would also recommend you grab a copy of one of our guides that should be a great help.”

    (I show him a copy of Computers for Dummies.)

    Customer: “Does it come with the internet?”

    Seeing The Sun In A Whole New Light

    | Tromsø, Norway |

    (Our city is in Northern Norway, above the arctic circle. A tourist comes in.)

    Tourist: “Sir, can you tell when the Midnight sun goes down?”

    Me: “Well it actually doesn’t, that the point. It’s up all night.”

    Tourist: “I see. Thanks.”

    (She leaves with an expression telling me that she really doesn’t. The following day she comes back looking annoyed.)

    Tourist: “You lied to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry madam I don’t understand?”

    Tourist: “I was up all night, and there was no midnight sun. Just the normal one I can see all day!”

    Emergency Services Must Be Pooped

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (I get dispatched to a call: ‘1 year old male, possibly crying’. We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

    Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

    Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

    Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

    Mother: “Well it was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

    Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

    Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

    (At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

    Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

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