Jane Austen-tacious

| Connecticut, USA | Books & Reading, Movies & TV, Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi. Maybe you can help me. I saw a movie last night on TV. It was about those things that Oprah does? Do you know what it was?”

Me: “What happened in the movie?”

Customer: “Well, they read books, but only by this one person who writes books.”

Me: “Like a book club?”

Customer: “Yes! A book club! But the movie came from a book. What was the title?”

Me: “Was it The Jane Austin Book Club?”

Customer: “Yes! Would you have any books by Jane Austen?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(I take her to our Jane Austen books. She is very excited and starts flipping through them.)

Customer: “Hey, wait! There’s no photo of her! I want to see what she looks like!”

Me: “I’m afraid there aren’t any photos of her.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “She lived two hundred years ago.”

Customer: “Oh! So do all of her books take place in her time?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So…she didn’t write The Jane Austen Book Club?”

No ID, No Idea

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Money, Uncategorized

Customer: “So how long will it take to receive my new debit card?”

Me: “Five to seven days.”

Customer: “How will I make sure no one uses my card?”

Me: “Although there is no 100% fool proof way, you can start by writing ‘SEE ID’ on the back of the card so merchants can cross reference it with your ID for each transaction.”

Customer: “Oh! I can’t do that, I do a lot of transactions online and they won’t be able to see my ID.”

*long, awkward pause*

Customer: “Never mind, just pretend I didn’t just say that.”

Post Dramatic

| Berlin, Germany | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I receive a call from an upset customer who is waiting for her mobile phone to be delivered.)

Customer: “My daughter’s birthday was in February! Since then, we’ve been waiting for this mobile phone!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, I will forward this immediately to my colleagues and–”

Customer: “I don’t know whether you’re a mother, but if you are you can understand the pain! How it feels if your own child is always waiting for her mobile phone!”

Charged Up With Anger–If Nothing Else

| LaCrosse, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your first and last name, please?”

Caller: “You people sent me a broken phone! I just got this phone from you people Friday and have charged it all f****** weekend and when I take it off the charger, it just dies! I want my money back and you better give me a new phone!”

Me: “Well ma’am, it would be my pleasure to assist you in trying to troubleshoot–”

Caller: “I don’t want no damn troubleshooting! I want a new phone! Now!”

Me: “I’ll be more than happy to get you a new phone but I first need some numbers from inside your phone to process the request. Can you please remove the back of the phone and remove the battery for me?”

Caller: “D*** straight you’ll get me a new phone!” *noise of fiddling with the battery cover* “You people try to rip good folk off and squeeze every dime you leeching-” *pause* “Oh. My. God.”

Me: “Ma’am, you never placed the battery into the phone when you opened the box, did you?”

Caller: “Is that what the little black square thing is? Oh shucks, I’ll take care of it now. Bye!”

Don’t Ask For Chocolate Drops

| New Jersey, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(A customer arrives at the drive-thru window.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure what it is I want, but I know it’s flat and it has caramel and whip cream and it’s a cappuccino.”

Me: “I think I know what you want. It’s blended and frozen, like a milkshake but with coffee.”

Customer: “Maybe, I’m just not sure. I always get my granddaughter to order it for me because she speaks the coffee language.”

(This goes on until I convince her to just come to the window and describe it to me in person. One of my fellow baristas helps her to realize that she does, in fact, want what I think she wants).

Customer: “Yeah, one of those crappuccinos. That’s it…”

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