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  • Customer Service Is Over(reaction)
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    Girly Man

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (This big, muscular guy comes in for a massage. We assign clients randomly and he got stuck with me, 110 lbs of girl.)

    Tough guy: “I requested a male therapist.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like to go back? They’ll give you to the next guy when he’s ready.”

    Tough guy: “How long will that take? I’ve been waiting for two hours!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m sure it won’t be much longer. We can go back and they’ll put you at the top of the wait list.”

    Tough guy: “No! Let’s just do this already.”

    (He explains that he likes “very deep pressure” and wants a deep-tissue massage with “lots of elbows”. He tells me to go as deep as I want because, “You’re not going to hurt me.” 30 seconds later, as I’m using my hands…)

    Tough guy: “Ow, that’s too hard! Don’t go so deep!”

    (I lighten it up a lot and start to run my forearm down his back, and he starts dramatically wincing and squirming all over the table.)

    Tough guy: “OWWWW, that’s too hard! You need to go lighter!”

    (By the end of the massage, I was just brushing him with my hands, his tolerance was so low. The next week, I got his comment card back.)

    Tough guy’s comment card: “You beat the s*** out of me and I’m never coming back here again!”

    Related:
    Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    A Method To The Madness

    , | St. Catharines, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, welcome to [fast food restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a chicken nugget kids meal.”

    Me: “Alrighty then, what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “Sweet and sour.”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, but what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “I just told you, I want sweet and sour with my nuggets!”

    Me, catching on to their game: “Okay… what would you like to dip?”

    Customer: “Coke!”

    Natural Born Politician

    | Lincoln, NH, USA |

    (Overheard from a school group at a theme park.)

    Student: “God, these stupid lines are so long!”

    Teacher: “If you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all.”

    Student: “I mean… these great lines are just long enough that we miss everything!”

    Customer Variant #3: The Penny Picker

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (Everyone has had this customer. They must clone them somewhere.)

    Me: “That will be $2.88.”

    (The customer puts a dollar on the counter and out of her purse pulls a snap-top coin pouch and I know I am screwed. She starts rooting in it, pulling out one coin at a time.)

    Customer: “5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

    (I void out her sale and wait on the next customer. I ring him up and give him his change.)

    Customer: “Why did you wait on him? I was first.”

    Me: “Well, he had the mystical ability to hand me 3 dollar bills for his key and you are still trying to come up with $2.88, a coin at a time.”

    Customer: “Now you made me lose count! 5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

    (I wait on several more customers.)

    Customer: “Young man…” (I am 59, btw.) “… can you tell me if this is a penny or a dime?”

    Me: “It is a dime.”

    Customer: “Oh, I want to get rid of my pennies…” *puts dime back in pouch, starts rooting in it again* “… 76, 77, 78…”

    (I continue to wait on more customers until after what seems to be an eon…)

    Customer: “Oh, I only have $2.86. I will have to give you another dollar.” *starts emptying purse on counter*

    Me: “No, no, that will be just fine… $2.86, no problem.”

    Customer: “But I am 2 cents short!”

    Me: “Trust me, not a problem.”

    But Is It Fully Armed And Operational?

    , | Birmingham, UK | Geeks Rule

    Customer: “Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me?”

    Me: “Of course. What are you after?”

    Customer: “Well, my son is a huge Star Wars fan and he really wants one of those Lightsabers.”

    Me: “Not a problem, we have plenty of them. Was there any particular one you were after.”

    Customer: “Do you have one of the ones that come out of the handle?”

    Me: “We have several pop-out ones, they also make a sound.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (They walk off and pick some of the different designs up and walk back to me.)

    Customer: “Hi again.”

    Me: “Did you find one?”

    Customer: “Not the one that he wants.”

    Me: “Well we also have some better ones in the window, would you like to see?”

    Customer: “Yes, please”

    (I get a prop Lightsaber out of the window and show it to them.)

    Customer: “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be the right one.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that’s all we really do.”

    Customer: “So you don’t do the one that cuts things?”

    Me: “Erm, the ones that cut things?”

    Customer: “You know, the ones from the movies.”

    Me, giving up: “Erm… you could try the Entertainer, they should do them.”

    Customer: “Brilliant, thanks very much.”

    (If this wasn’t bad enough, it’s happened about 3 times in the past year.)


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