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    I’m In Ur Hubz Burnin Ur Portz

    | Utah, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to *** support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “One of my computers doesn’t have internet.”

    Me: “Okay, is it in a hub?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you try a different port?”

    (I hear scuffling in the background.)

    Customer: “It works now.”

    Me: “Well, great. That port on your hub must be burned out. Just order a new hub from your admin, or use this port instead.”

    Customer: “But why?”

    Me: “Because it’s burned out.”

    Customer: “I know, but why is burned out?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I like this port! How could it be burned out?”

    Me: “It just is. It’s like reaching into a bag of chips and getting that green one: sometimes it just happens.”

    Customer: “That’s chips, this is a hub! I want to know why it burned out! Tell me why!”

    Me: “I don’t know! Terrorists or something did it!”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Cube mate: “Terrorists?”

    Who’s The Man Now

    | Boise, ID, USA | Top

    (It’s past closing time and I’ve just dealt with a rush of 3 new applications that took 15 minutes each, and am moving on to the next customer.)

    Me: “Sorry about that, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Well, these movies aren’t working. They are all scratched.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. Pick whatever you want and I’ll exchange them.”

    Customer: “Thank you.”

    (A few minutes later, a big, flannel clad man walks in.)

    Customer’s husband: “My wife was just in here for half an hour! ”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that…” *explains situation*

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t care! You need to have more than one register open! Where is your manager?!”

    Me: “He is in the back. We were suppose to close 45 minutes ago which is why I’m the only one on the register.”

    Customer’s husband: “You idiot! I need to see him now!”

    Me: “He’ll be here… now calm down!”

    Customer’s husband: “YOU MADE MY PREGNANT WIFE STAND IN LINE FOR HALF AN HOUR!”

    Me: “Well, sir… maybe you should have been a man and came in here instead of your wife.”

    Customer’s husband: *speechless*

    (My manager had to pretend to fire me in front of him, but we later joked about him in the back room.)

    Customer of the Week: Life or Death

    | Ontario, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: Life or Death
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Go MacGuyver Go

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a bulk food store, where prices are given on the bins for 100 grams, and 1 pound of the product.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t this weighing in pounds? The sign had it in pounds!”

    Me: “The signs have it in both pounds and grams, and since Canada uses the metric system, we weigh according to kilograms.”

    Customer: “Kilograms are not grams!”

    Me: “Grams go into kilograms, sir.”

    Customer: “No they don’t! I am the customer, and I want this scale to weigh in pounds!”

    (Note that this is a scale only weighs in kilograms, with ‘kg’ painted on permanently next to the display.)

    Me: “That’s impossible, sir.”

    Customer: “No it’s not, it’s what I want. I work with computers. I can change this.”

    Me: “… You do that.”

    Will Somebody Please Think Of The Pr0n

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

    Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

    Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

    Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”

    Me: “I’m… sorry?”

    Customer: “Can you save my porn?”

    Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

    Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”

    Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

    Customer: “–and my porn.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

    (Fortunately, he never came in.)

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