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    Everyone’s A Wiseguy

    , | St. Joseph, MO, USA |

    (Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.)

    Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?”

    Customer service rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?”

    Salesman 1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.”

    Salesman 2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.”

    Salesman 3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.”

    Salesman 4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!’”

    Customer service rep: *picks call back up* “No sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.”

    Employee Of The Year

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “What was the title?”

    Customer: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

    Customer: “I saw it recently…”

    Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

    Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

    Me: “…”

    (And I found it!)

    Why The Pope And Dalai Lama Are Unlisted

    | Southampton, UK |

    (It is nearly Christmas, about 11pm. The Vicar has been out all day visiting elderly parishioners and has fallen asleep in front of the television. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello. St. ***’s Vicarage. Can I help you?”

    Man: “I need to speak to the Vicar.”

    Me: “I am afraid he is unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?”

    Man: “Can’t you contact him? This is really urgent.”

    Me: “I am afraid I can only disturb him in an emergency. What is the problem. I am a Reader (lay minister). Perhaps I can help?”

    Man: “I have this really deep theological question. I’m sure only the Vicar can answer it.”

    Me: “I do have a degree in theology, sir. I’m sure I can help.”

    Man: “When is the Twelfth Day of Christmas?”

    Me: “??”

    Man: “Are you there? I told you, only the Vicar would know.”

    Me: “It’s the 5th of January. The day before Epiphany.”

    Man: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Definitely. Why do you need to know?”

    Man: “Me and my mates are doing a pub quiz. It’s the one question we couldn’t answer. Thanks. Bye!”

    Me: “…”

    Make Coffee, Not War

    | Northern Virginia, USA |

    (I work at a coffee shop that is NOT a certain well-known coffee empire. Our company name is clearly displayed out front, on the menu, on the register, on our aprons and we generally don’t look a thing like the other company.)

    Customer: “I’d like a medium mocha.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.26.”

    (The customer pays, and comes to the end of the bar to pick up her drink.)

    Customer: “Wait a second. This isn’t Starbucks.”

    Coworker: “Nope, we’re *** Coffee.”

    Customer: “Well, never mind. I wanted Starbucks. Give me my money back.”

    Coworker: “I have your drink ready… give it a taste, and if you still don’t like it, we’d be happy to refund your money. ”

    Customer: “NO! Just give me my money back! This isn’t Starbucks! I wanted Starbucks!”

    Me: “Um, okay…”

    What Happens When You Assume

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I worked at a shop that did passport photos. There was a fifteen minute wait on the pictures, so people normally just left and came back…)

    Me: “That’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”

    Customer: “I’ll come back. Do you need my name?”

    Me: “No, I don’t need it.”

    Customer: “You little snot. It’s ’cause there’s a black man in here!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not racist. ”

    Customer: “Oh, sure you’re not, you racist snot.”

    Me: “Sir, I have your picture. That’s why I do not need your name.”

    (The customer walked out and I never saw him again.)


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