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    It’s Okay, That Character Was Tone Deaf Anyway

    | Birmingham, UK |

    (I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

    Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

    (He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

    Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

    Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

    Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

    Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

    Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

    Me: “…”

    (Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)

    Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

    Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

    Customer: “Alright, it’s for me and my two kids.”

    (The customer attempts to pay with a hundred dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

    Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    (This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

    Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

    Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

    From Bad To Worse

    | Orem, UT, USA |

    (I work in email and chat tech support, so one day, an email comes in.)

    “Hello Miss Sir,

    Please send me new one. ¬†My wife’s has defected.

    Boris”

    ——-

    “Dear Boris,

    Thanks for contacting us. ¬†If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it. ¬†Please respond with more details on the problem. ¬†If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

    Sincerely,
    [Me]”

    ——–

    “Hello Miss,

    Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”

    Be Careful What You Ask For

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a wheat sandwich, with everything you like in it.”

    Me: “Um, sir… you will be the one eating the sandwich, not me.”

    Customer: “I SAID I wanted a wheat sandwich with whatever YOU like in it.”

    Me: “Um… what kind of meat?”

    Customer: “Didn’t you just hear what I said? WHEAT SANDWICH WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT ON IT!”

    (I make the sandwich for the customer.)

    Customer: “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?!” *walks away*

    Coworker: “So… you like extra mustard and everything on it, especially jalapenos?”

    Me: *smiling* “I don’t like mustard, I don’t like hot stuff, and I hope he has a terrible nice time in the bathroom.”

    It’s What’s For Dinner

    , | Stanwood, WA, USA |

    Coworker: Welcome to [fast food burger joint], what’s your beef?

    Customer: “I ain’t got a beef, you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

    Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

    Customer: ¬†”Yes, I want some beef, you gonna bring it?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it, you payin’?”

    Customer: ¬†”Course I’m payin’, you makin’?”

    Coworker: ¬†”Yes we’re makin’.”

    Customer: ¬†”Good, how much?”

    Coworker: ¬†”You have to order first, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah…”

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