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    Plastic, It’s Faaantastic

    | Hattiesburg, MS, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling . We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

    (In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

    Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

    Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

    Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

    Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

    Me: … I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

    Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

    (This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

    Customer: “Yes ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

    Like, OMG, You’re Stupid

    | Louisiana, USA | Top

    (I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.)

    Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded*

    Me: “Need help finding something?”

    Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.”

    Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…”

    Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!”¬†*giggle giggle*

    (I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.)

    Me: “Here–Jason’s.”

    Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…”

    The Knights Of Ni Say Boo

    | London, UK |

    (Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

    Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

    Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

    Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

    Yeah, That Might Do It

    | Osan Air Base, Korea |

    Ticket log: “When I shake my computer, I get the blue screen of death”.

    Now Playing: Busted

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Top

    Me: “Welcome to [movie theater].¬†Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Two for [rated R movie].”

    Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

    Customer: ¬†”I don’t have any.”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you any tickets.”

    Customer: “But I’m 17! I’m allowed to see it!”

    Me: “Not without an ID you aren’t! And even if you had an ID, I could only sell you one. You have to be 21 to buy more than one.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this! Look, I drove here today!”

    (At this point he flashes daddy’s Mercedes keys in my face to “prove” he drove here.)

    Me: “So, let me get this straight. You drove your Mercedes here without any form of ID, including a driver’s license?”

    Customer: “YEAH! WHAT OF IT?!”

    Me: ¬†”I’m sure the Raleigh Police Officer standing right behind you would love to have a word with you.”

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