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    Who’s Got The Power Now

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Irate Caller: “Yes, I just purchased one of your wireless routers and your stupid tech support in India just told me I have to plug it into an outlet.”

    Me: “Uh… yes, ma’am. It needs to be plugged into an outlet to get electrical power.”

    Irate Caller: “I purchased a WIRELESS router, so it shouldn’t require wires! Doesn’t it use batteries or something?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, ‘wireless’ means you don’t need wires between the computer and the router.”

    Irate Caller: “Wireless means WIRE-LESS! If this thing has to be plugged in with a wire, I want a full refund!”

    Me: “If the product isn’t what you expected, I suggest you return the device to your local retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “NO! That’s not good enough! They won’t take it back because it’s been opened! I want you to give me a refund!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t provide refunds unless a product’s functionality is grossly misadvertised. You need to speak to–”

    Irate Caller: “NO! You’ll give me a refund right now you f***ing son of a b**** and you’ll do it right f***ing now!”

    Me: “Ma’am, throwing a temper tantrum like a five year old is not going to get you something that we’re incapable of giving you.”

    Irate Caller: “You can’t speak to me like that! Transfer me to your manager at once!”

    Me: “No.”

    Irate Caller: “What?”

    (Contrary to popular belief, most companies don’t REQUIRE techs to transfer to supervisors simply because they’re told to by a customer).

    Me: “I said no. I will not transfer you to my supervisor. This is a non-escalatable issue.”

    Irate Caller: “But you have to!”

    Me: “No, I really don’t, and since you already blasted me with profanity, technically I could have disconnected the call already.”

    Irate Caller: “Well, I’m sorry… can I have my refund now?”

    Me: “I told you, I can’t give you a refund for this product. You need to contact your retailer.”

    Irate Caller: “F*** you! You f***ing ****ards are ripping me the f*** off! F*** you!”

    Me: “Thank you for contacting tech support and have a nice day!”

    Irate Caller: “Wait! I’m sorry!”

    Me: *click*

    One Coffee Conflagration, Coming Right Up

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    Customer: “I’d like a venti latte made with organic milk. It has to be organic milk.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have organic milk in this store.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not? It says that you do on the menu!”

    Coworker: “Well, our customers here rarely order drinks made with organic milk, so we don’t stock it.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have it?! I cannot drink my latte if it isn’t made with organic milk!”

    Coworker: “If it’s that important to you, we can make your drink with soy, which is organic.”

    Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Soy milk is disgusting! Regular milk is disgusting! I should be able to get what I WANT when I come here! It is imperative that I have my g**d*** latte made with organic milk!”

    (They go back and forth like this for several more minutes as the line behind her grows longer and more impatient, while my friend is desperately trying to appease her with our milk options. Suddenly, the customer’s friend seems to finally have run out of patience…)

    Customer: “I NEED it to be ORGANIC!”

    Customer’s friend: *suddenly loud* “Why? So you can stand outside and drink your d*** organic latte while smoking your organic cigarettes? They don’t have it! Drop it already and get something else!”

    No, But They Do A Wonderful Brogue

    | Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

    Guy at the zoo: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”

    Me: “Ummm…. no.”

    Neverending Query

    | Beaufort, SC, USA |

    (The phone rings at 11pm, although our restaurant has been closed since 10pm.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

    Me: “Sorry ma’am, we’re closed.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand, why are you answering the phone?”

    Me: “I have to. Even though we’re closed, we still might get important phone calls.”

    Customer: “I still don’t understand, why are you closed?”

    Me: “We have regular business hours to follow, and on weekdays we’re only open till 10pm.”

    Customer: “But I don’t understand… why are you answering the phone if you’re closed, then?”

    Me: *face desk*

    (It went in circles like that for about ten minutes. I finally got tired of her ‘why’ questions and it had really had been a horrible night… so, I hung up the phone.)

    Me, to other employees: “You wouldn’t believe this lady…”

    *phone rings*

    Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “So why are you still answering the phone if you’re closed?”

    Me: *multiple face desks*

    Living On The Edge, Part 2

    , , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for your purchase. Would you please sign anywhere on the receipt?”

    Customer:¬†”Anywhere?”

    Me: “Anywhere.”

    Customer: “But there’s no line!”

    Me: “That’s right–the printer doesn’t draw a line for this type of receipt, so just sign anywhere on the receipt.”

    Customer: “Anywhere?”

    Me: “Anywhere.”

    Customer: “But there’s no LINE!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Related:
    Living On The Edge


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