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    When Common Sense Goes Naval Gazing

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I serve on a Canadian Naval vessel, and while on an exercise our ship comes alongside in New York and offers tours to any civilians who wish to see the ship. I am on duty when a group of Americans come on board for a tour. At the end of the tour, one gentleman comes up to me.)

    Tourist: “Excuse me, when does the ship leave?”

    Me: “We’re in port for another two days before we head back to sea, sir.”

    Tourist: “But we’re here today. Can’t we take the tour now?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon, sir? Didn’t you just take the tour?”

    Tourist: “We saw the ship, but when do we go to [town the ship is named after]?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but the tours are of the ship only.”

    Tourist: “But when do you sail to [town name]?”

    Me: “Well, we actually can’t, sir, because that town isn’t on the ocean.”

    Tourist: “Well, that’s stupid! How are we supposed to sail there? Never mind, where is the ship going next then, and when do we have to be here?”

    Me: “Well, if you’d like to watch us leave, we will be shoving off around 10 o’clock on Sunday, sir.”

    Tourist: “And where are we going then?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t disclose where the ship is sailing next due to operational security, sir.”

    Tourist: “Then how are we supposed to get back?”

    (Thankfully at this point the man’s wife jumps in.)

    Tourist’s Wife: “This isn’t a cruise you moron! We just came to see the ship!”

    Tourist: *to me* “Well why didn’t you say that? Are you Canadians all stupid or something? No wonder we beat the s*** out of you in the war! If you didn’t surrender to everyone that waved a gun at you, you probably wouldn’t be so stupid!”

    (The tourist storms off the ship.)

    Tourist’s Wife: “I…um…yeah. May I have one of those free hats, please?”

    Early Bird-Brained

    | New Zealand | Top

    (I am at work doing a before-opening clean of the trolley handles and checkout counters.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these now please.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m not a checkout operator.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I’m here now and I’m running late, so can you just run these through the scanner for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s five thirty. There are no checkout operators as we don’t open for another hour and a half.”

    Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why there wasn’t anyone in the Deli, but that’s okay because I went back behind the counter and got the ham out the freezer.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to do that. How did you get in? The doors are locked until the security guard gets here.”

    Customer: “Oh, I broke the window because I thought your door wasn’t working. Can you run these through for me now?”

    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4
    Bird Brained, Part 5

    Crumbled Translation

    | Cranston, RI, USA |

    Customer: “I need a rain check.”

    Me: “Alright, what do you need it for?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Would you please repeat that?”

    Customer: “Old, rotten potatoes!”

    Me:” I don’t believe we sell those.”

    Customer: “Yes you do. I saw them in the sale flyer!” *points to flyer which says ‘Au Gratin Potatoes’*

    Hard Sell, Soft Drinks

    | Los Altos, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any diet soda water?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think that exists.”

    Customer: “Yeah it does. I’ve bought it here before.”

    Me: “Ma’am, diet soda water is pretty much diet water.”

    Customer: “That’s okay too. Do you have that?”

    (D)efinitely (V)ery (D)umb

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you just rented me this movie, and it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It keeps playing the same scene over and over again.”

    Me: “The same scene keeps playing?”

    Customer: “Yeah, and it has these words written on it. ‘Play’, ‘Scene Selection’, ‘Language’ and ‘Special Features’.”

    Me: “Uh, sir, that’s the DVD menu. You just have to click ‘Play’ and the movie will start.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard of that. How do I do that?”

    Me: “Uh, just hit the arrow buttons on your remote until you get to ‘Play’, then hit ‘Enter’ and the movie will start. Or, if you have a ‘Play’ button, just hit that.”

    Customer: “OK, where is that on my remote?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what your remote looks like.”

    Customer: “Never mind, I found it. OK, I’m clicking ‘Play’. Well now it just went black! Oh, now it has something different. Can you stay on the line with me for a little to make sure that scene doesn’t start repeating again?”

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