Sea Lions Totally Rock

| Newport, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(I am giving a tour to a group of people about sea lions. I am pointing out the sea lions through the glass cage and introducing them to the group.)

Woman: “What’s that sea lion over there doing? He seems very still.”

Child: “Mom, that’s a rock.”

Room Service Goes Down The Toilet

| OK, USA | Uncategorized

(A guest staying in the hotel calls the Front Desk at 3:30 AM.)

Me: “Front Desk.”

Guest: *slurring* “I messed my bed!”

Me: “What do you mean by ‘mess’, sir?”

Guest: “I mean I s*** my bed. You are gonna have to come clean it up!”

Me: “You are more than welcome to come down to the–”

Guest: “You are gonna come clean this up! I need new sheets!”

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I am not coming to your room to clean up your feces. I can give you fresh sheets at the front desk.”

Guest: “You are going to clean my s***!”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes, when I look in the computer to see that the guest is in a room with two beds.)

Me: “Sir, are you in this room by yourself?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “Is the other bed broken?”

Guest: “No!”

Me: “Could you, perhaps, sleep in the other bed until housekeeping can give you fresh sheets?”

Guest: “You won’t charge me for using the other bed?”

Not Just For Kicks

| New York, USA | Uncategorized

(I am an instructor at a Chinese Martial Arts school. An American teenager comes in.)

Boy: “So, do you teach all kinds of Chinese martial arts here?”

Me: “Yes, courses are mainly in Chinese, but we can translate for you. There are quite a few Americans that learn here. What are you interested in?”

(He names several fake martial arts from novels made into television.)

Me: “Um… you’re joking, right?”

Boy: “Oh, do you not teach those?”

Me: “You’re serious?”

Boy: “Oh yeah, I love watching them on TV and I want to learn it myself!”

Me: “You know they’re not real martial arts right? It’s all made up in the stories.”

Boy: “You just don’t want to teach a foreigner, do you?”

Me: “No, it isn’t real. None of us here know them.”

Boy: “Oh, I’ll go somewhere else.”

Me: “No one can teach those. They’re fake.”

Boy: “Oh I get it. You think it’s fake because you don’t know it yourself. I guess the manuals are lost and someone needs to find them. Don’t worry, I’ll be that person!”

(The boy leaves and comes back a minute later.)

Boy: “Hey, could I have a look at all your weapons?”

Me: “Why?”

Boy: “Maybe the manuals are hidden in them. At least please show me your swords and sabers. Just clash them together.” (He’s referring to a plot in one of those novels.)

Me: *understanding that reference* “It was already recovered long ago in the Yuan dynasty, remember? They’re empty now.”

Boy: “Oh, sure, now I’m going to find the new hiding place. Thanks for your time!”

Picking On Pockets

| Boston, MA, USA | Top

Customer: “Two white wines, please.”

Me: “Sure thing. Your total will be $****.”

Customer: “$****?! That’s a little steep. I bet you’re lining your pockets.”

(I look down at my uniform, which is a black cocktail dress.)

Me: “Sir, I don’t have pockets.”

Customer: “Touché.”

A Library With A Likely Story

| USA | Top

(I find a wallet with the owner’s ID from middle school.)

Me: *over the all-call speakers* “[Name], please come up to the front desk for your missing wallet. [Name], please come up to the front desk.”

(An adult comes up to the front desk.)

Adult: “Hi, I’m [name].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but according to this ID, she’s still in middle school.”

Adult: “Oh, I’m, um, her sister.”

Me: “With the same name?”

Adult: “Yeah, my mom was a little weird. Can I have her wallet now?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’d like to see your sister and put this is in her possession.”

Adult:”What!? What do you think I’m going to do, steal my sister’s money or something? Just give me the d*** wallet!”

(A girl comes over.)

Girl: “Hi, I’m [Name].”

Adult: “Sis! Where were you? It’s been 10 minutes. I tried to give the wallet to you to save time, but this stupid woman thinks I’m not your sister!”

Girl: “Who are you?”

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