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    Yes, It’s For My Longmower

    , | Chesapeake, VA, USA |

    Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

    (The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

    Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

    (It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

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    Okay, That Was A Little Mean

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

    Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What the h***?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

    Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

    Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

    Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

    Me: “Fine.”

    (I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

    Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

    (The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

    Me: “We open at nine.”

    (Coworker and I high-five.)

    Was It Something I Said

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    Me: “411 Information.”

    Customer: “Wait a minute…”

    *papers rustling around*

    Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

    *long pause, more rustling*

    Customer: “Just a sec…”

    *several seconds of silence*

    Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

    *hangs up*

    Born To Offend

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

    Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

    Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

    Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

    Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

    Woman: “LIAR!”

    The Early Bird Counts Its Chickens In The Bush

    | Oregon, USA |

    (My boss spent 35 years in the Army, and it shows.  He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

    Boss, to camper: “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

    Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

    Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

    Camper, to me: “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”


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