Bad Company, Good Business

| Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a cashier, and a customer comes up to my register with a lock.)

Customer: “Do you guys do price matching?”

Me: “Yes, we do!”

Customer: “Great. I’ll take it at the [medical supply store] price.”

Me: “Alright, I’ll just need the print out.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “Well, I need proof that the other store has the same product for a lesser amount.”

Customer: “Don’t you know what they sell it at?”

Me: “Actually, I don’t believe they sell this at all.”

Customer: “Well, just find a store that sells it at a lesser price and give me that!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t do that. Unless you found the same item for a lesser price at another store, I have to charge you what our company sells it at.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because that’s business, sir.”

A Bit Grey With Anatomy, Part 2

| Concord, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(A girl begins to choke on some bread. The mother then proceeds to try and give the daughter some bizarre imitation of the Heimlich Manoeuvre.)

Me: “Ma’am, wait for her to stop coughing before you help her.”

Customer: “What? She’ll die by then!”

Me: “I’m certified in CPR, I know what I’m talking about. It’s not an emergency until she can’t cough. When she can’t cough anymore, I can help her.”

(The customer is now basically punching her daughter in the stomach, and I’m becoming increasingly worried that she is going to injure her. Suddenly, the girl stops coughing.)

Customer: “See, I didn’t need your help. And you know what? I’m certified too; I watch Grey’s Anatomy every time it’s on!”

Related:
A Bit Grey With Anatomy

Sea Lions Totally Rock

| Newport, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(I am giving a tour to a group of people about sea lions. I am pointing out the sea lions through the glass cage and introducing them to the group.)

Woman: “What’s that sea lion over there doing? He seems very still.”

Child: “Mom, that’s a rock.”

Room Service Goes Down The Toilet

| OK, USA | Uncategorized

(A guest staying in the hotel calls the Front Desk at 3:30 AM.)

Me: “Front Desk.”

Guest: *slurring* “I messed my bed!”

Me: “What do you mean by ‘mess’, sir?”

Guest: “I mean I s*** my bed. You are gonna have to come clean it up!”

Me: “You are more than welcome to come down to the–”

Guest: “You are gonna come clean this up! I need new sheets!”

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I am not coming to your room to clean up your feces. I can give you fresh sheets at the front desk.”

Guest: “You are going to clean my s***!”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes, when I look in the computer to see that the guest is in a room with two beds.)

Me: “Sir, are you in this room by yourself?”

Guest: “Yes!”

Me: “Is the other bed broken?”

Guest: “No!”

Me: “Could you, perhaps, sleep in the other bed until housekeeping can give you fresh sheets?”

Guest: “You won’t charge me for using the other bed?”

Not Just For Kicks

| New York, USA | Uncategorized

(I am an instructor at a Chinese Martial Arts school. An American teenager comes in.)

Boy: “So, do you teach all kinds of Chinese martial arts here?”

Me: “Yes, courses are mainly in Chinese, but we can translate for you. There are quite a few Americans that learn here. What are you interested in?”

(He names several fake martial arts from novels made into television.)

Me: “Um… you’re joking, right?”

Boy: “Oh, do you not teach those?”

Me: “You’re serious?”

Boy: “Oh yeah, I love watching them on TV and I want to learn it myself!”

Me: “You know they’re not real martial arts right? It’s all made up in the stories.”

Boy: “You just don’t want to teach a foreigner, do you?”

Me: “No, it isn’t real. None of us here know them.”

Boy: “Oh, I’ll go somewhere else.”

Me: “No one can teach those. They’re fake.”

Boy: “Oh I get it. You think it’s fake because you don’t know it yourself. I guess the manuals are lost and someone needs to find them. Don’t worry, I’ll be that person!”

(The boy leaves and comes back a minute later.)

Boy: “Hey, could I have a look at all your weapons?”

Me: “Why?”

Boy: “Maybe the manuals are hidden in them. At least please show me your swords and sabers. Just clash them together.” (He’s referring to a plot in one of those novels.)

Me: *understanding that reference* “It was already recovered long ago in the Yuan dynasty, remember? They’re empty now.”

Boy: “Oh, sure, now I’m going to find the new hiding place. Thanks for your time!”

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