Cold Calling

| California, USA | Bizarre, Uncategorized

Caller: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. Ralph ******?”

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s dead.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m very sorry for your loss.”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s been 20 years. I think we’re over it.”

Some Customers Leave Big Shoes To Fill

, | Harrisburg, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(While standing in line as a customer, I notice a father and his two children in front of me. The son, about age 8, is sporting a
Mohawk about as tall is he is. He looks positively adorable and when he turns and smiles at me, I return the smile.)

Boy: *tugging on his fathers coat* “Daddy, don’t flash all that money in your wallet! That b**** will take it! You always say how b****es are after your money!”

(The father laughs and agrees until he notices that his son’s free hand is pointing directly at me. The daughter, about age 12, slaps him on the back of the head.)

Daughter: “Shut up, dumb ***! That b**** don’t want dad’s money!”

(The father starts to feel uncomfortable with so many people staring. Not wanting to reprimand their behavior but still wanting to make some parental effort, he starts lecturing his son about how his shoes are dirty. Another customer behind me comes to my rescue.)

Another customer: “If I were you, I’d be more worried about the dirt coming out of the other end of them!”

(The father falls silent, the children stop calling me a b****, and I get one of my blouses for free.)

Luncheon And On And On

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(Note: I quit working at this store for 7 months and then returned.)

Customer: “Oh so how are things? I haven’t seen you for a while.”

Me: “Oh, good. Yeah, I actually haven’t worked here for the last 7 months. This is my first day back.”

Customer: “Oh, I just thought you were on lunch break or something.”

The Wrong Outlet For Your Problems, Part 2

| Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement, Uncategorized

(A customer is returning an electrical outlet with a remote control, and is complaining that the remote didn’t work.)

Customer: “I tried everything, made the right adjustments, but no matter what I do, the light that is supposed to blink on the remote does nothing.”

Me: “Let me have a look at this remote.”

Customer: “I’m also fairly certain that the outlets themselves are not working.”

(While he says that, I open up the remote control, and take out the battery.)

Me: “Have you tried unwrapping the plastic from the battery before inserting it?”

Customer: “You’re kidding, right? Even I wouldn’t be that stupid!”

(I unwrap the battery before him. His mouth falls open, and he makes a face palm.”

Customer: “No! This is not true!”

(I insert the unwrapped battery in the remote control, and try it. The light now blinks as it’s supposed too.)

Me: “It appears to be working now.”

Customer: “I think I’m going to try the outlets at home. Maybe they work now, too.”

Related:
The Wrong Outlet For Your Problems

A Poser By Any Other Name, Part 2

| Newark, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money, Uncategorized

(I’m not working, but I’m shopping. I’m at the register when the man in front of me starts yelling at the cashier at the top of his lungs.)

Customer: “You can’t do this, d*** it! My coupons are good! Take them!”

Cashier: “Sir, these coupons are expired. I’m not allowed–”

Customer: “If you don’t take it, you’re gonna be expired! Take my coupons or I’ll sue! I’m a lawyer! I’ll sue you in court!”

(I tap him on the shoulder.)

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: *calmly* “Are you a prosecutor or defense attorney?”

Customer: “W-what?”

Me: “Are you with the state, or private firm?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Where did you go to law school?”

*pause*

Me: “Sir, impersonating an agent of the state is a serious offense. Furthermore, there are enough witnesses and evidence to hold you in court for harassment, threatening, disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. I’m a prosecutor. I’m with the state. My recommendation? You leave, before I make all this official.”

(The customer runs out of the store, leaving half paid-for groceries behind. The cashier is grinning.)

Cashier: “You want some free stuff?”

Related:
A Poser By Any Other Name

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