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    Clarity Is Key

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

    Customer: “Fish.”

    Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

    Customer: “Dead fish.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer Of The Week: The Smoker

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week:  The Smoker
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Lost In Translation

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?”

    Customer: *with a heavy accent* “Yays, I put een an ad, and eet sayes ‘peacock truck’ but eet should be ‘peacock truck’.”

    Me: “The ad says ‘peacock truck’, but it should be ‘peacock truck’? I don’t understand the difference. Did they get the color wrong or something?”

    Customer: “No, no, peacock – eet ees not a color, eet ees a peacock, a peacock truck!” *starts swearing in Spanish*

    Me: “Sir, is there anyone else there who might be able to talk to me? I’m sorry; I can’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

    Customer: “Eet is seemple, eet ees a peacock truck – Pee, uh, ee, ee, uh…”

    Me: “Sir…are you trying to spell ‘pickup’? Is it a pickup truck you’re selling?”

    Customer: ‘Yays, yays, eet ees a peacock truck, like I say before.”

    Me: “Right, sir, I’ll fix that for you. We’ll run the ad for two days extra, to make up for lost time”.

    Customer: “Thank you. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

    (I receive another call later that day.)

    Me: “Hello, this is Classifieds, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I went to look at this truck that was advertised in your paper, and it wasn’t what they said it was. It’s false advertising!”

    Me: “What was the problem? What was wrong?”

    Customer: ‘Well, the ad said it was a peacock truck, and I love that color. We went to see it, and it was black! That’s not peacock!”

    Objects May Be Larger Than They Appear

    | Winter Park, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m fine. Yes. I would like to return this.” *sets down a family-sized box of cereal*

    Me: “All right…do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course. I just bought it yesterday.”

    Me: “Great! Oh, was there anything wrong with the item?”

    Customer: “Why, yes there was. It didn’t fit in my pantry!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Yes, it was too big! I bought it because it was such a good deal, and I brought it home and it didn’t fit! You really should put sizes on there or something.”

    (While listening to her I place a red defect sticker above the bar code on the box.)

    Customer: “There isn’t anything wrong with the cereal! I didn’t even open it!”

    Me: “But you took it home, and once food has been brought home, I have to defect it out if you’re returning it.”

    Customer: “What a waste!”

    Me: “Would you like this back on the card you paid with, or in cash?”

    Customer: “Cash, dear – I need some more cereal!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Opposite Day Strikes Again

    | Owatonna, MN, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** footwear, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, we’re on a trip up north, and are going to drive right past you guys in a couple of hours. We’re wondering if you had a particular shoe in stock? I even have the item number so you can look it up.”

    Me: “Wonderful!” *looking up item* “I’m sorry ma’am, that particular shoe is only carried in our catalog.”

    Customer: “Good, well, we don’t want to stop if you don’t have them there.”

    Me: “Yeah…well, I’m sorry to say we don’t have them here. The best we could do is order them for you.”

    Customer: “Ok, great, I’m a size 8, so if you could just put those on hold that’d be great. We’re on a trip and I just want to make a quick stop to pick them up.”

    Me: “I’m…sorry, ma’am, maybe you didn’t hear me. We do not have those shoes in this store.”

    Customer: “Ok, we’ll be there in a couple hours.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t have them. I don’t know how else to say this…. None, we have zero in stock; there’s really no need for you to come in, please…don’t come in.”

    Customer: “All right, we’ll see you then.” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

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