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    Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

    Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

    Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”

    Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”

    Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

    Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”

    What. The. F***.

    | Knoxville, TN, USA |

    (I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

    Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

    Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

    Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

    Me: “Would I… what?”

    Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

    Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

    Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

    Male caller: “Would you?”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

    Male caller: *click*

    Too Much Of A Good Thing

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”

    Me: “You bought too many cones?”

    Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the g**d**n manager!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”

    (I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)

    Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”

    Barking Up The Wrong Tree

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “This is Mark, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

    Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

    Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

    Customer: “Well, this is bulls***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

    Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

    Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

    Me: “… Alright then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a *** que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

    Same Disgusting Difference

    | USA |

    Customer: “I need to return these bladder control pads. They won’t work for me.”

    Me: “Sorry, you can no longer return anything to this store of that nature.”

    Customer: “Why?!”

    Me: “Not only has it been opened, but you used a pad and put it back in the package.”

    Customer: “I didn’t use it! I only tried it on!”

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