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    Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

    Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

    Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

    Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

    Me: “… I work here.”

    Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*


    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

    Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

    Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00AM, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

    Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

    Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

    Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

    Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

    Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

    Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”


    Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

    (I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

    Me: “Is there something else going on?”

    Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

    Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

    Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

    Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

    Mother: “Yes…”

    Me: “Why?”

    Mother: “Because I always get my way!”

    Step 35c: Ask Customer To Reboot Dumbo

    | Arkansas, USA |

    Customer: “Hey, all the computers in the store are down.”

    Me: “Yep, I can’t ping your servers or anything. Are you in the computer room?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “What’s on your console?”

    Customer: “Hang on, let me get a flash light.”

    Me: “A flashlight? Why do you need a flash light?”

    Customer: “We’re in the middle of a power outage.”

    Me: “Umm… sir, the computers won’t work without power.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? They fixed it last time.”

    Me: “Pretty sure… I’ve been doing this a while. How did you lose power?”

    Customer: “An elephant stepped on the transformer.”

    Me: “An… elephant?”

    Customer: “We’re having a parking lot carnival, and an elephant got away from the handler.”

    Me: “Ah yes, I should have known… those pesky elephants always causing us these problems.”

    Customer: “What? Really?”

    Me: “Yeah… call us back when you get your power restored.”

    And The Problem Solves Itself

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

    (The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

    Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

    (I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

    Me: ¬†”I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it.¬†Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

    Caller: “D!¬†D as in Dog!”

    Iraq, Land Of Crappy Return Policies

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

    Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

    (She hands me a receipt.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

    Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the g**d*** knives! Take them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

    Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, g**d*** it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

    Customer: “You g**d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f***ing knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

    Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s because of f***ing fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

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