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    Taking “No Pain, No Gain” Too Far

    | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (The power generator for the gym had a moderate fire, effectively shutting off all of the power inside. Because the PA system is dead, the employees sweep the gym and escort all of the members outside.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we need to evacuate. There’s been a minor emergency.”

    Gym member: “What? Why?”

    Me: “There’s been an emergency. Everyone has to leave.”

    Gym member: “I need to finish this set! I’ll be out in a minute! ”

    Me: “Yeah, I’ll just tell the fire to wait for you, then. ”

    (Meanwhile, firetrucks are approaching the building, and the sirens can be clearly heard.)

    Gym member: “This is ridiculous! I’m gonna talk to management! Where are they?!”

    Me: “Outside, because there’s a fire.”

    Gym member: “… let me get my water.”

    It Happens More Often Than You’d Think

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (I just started working at a computer store, so my trainer has a phone call on speaker so I can listen in.)

    Lady: “You sold me a faulty piece of s*** laptop!”

    Trainer: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Lady: “The ¬†f***ing thing won’t open!”

    Trainer: “Have you tried turning the laptop around, and opening it from the other side?”

    Lady: “Oh.” *click*

    A Bunch-O-Words It Be, Indeed

    | Brookings, OR, USA |

    Me:¬†”Thanks for calling *** support, how can I ¬†help you?”

    Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the W-mart.”

    Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    *long pause*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hey!”

    Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Got me one a dem orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

    Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuffin!”

    Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

    Caller: “It free?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll free.”

    Caller: “That’ll cost more-n-my origun, orgizen, org…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

    Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuffin but a bunch-o-words!”

    Girly Man

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (This big, muscular guy comes in for a massage. We assign clients randomly and he got stuck with me, 110 lbs of girl.)

    Tough guy: “I requested a male therapist.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like to go back? They’ll give you to the next guy when he’s ready.”

    Tough guy: “How long will that take? I’ve been waiting for two hours!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m sure it won’t be much longer. We can go back and they’ll put you at the top of the wait list.”

    Tough guy: “No! Let’s just do this already.”

    (He explains that he likes “very deep pressure” and wants a deep-tissue massage with “lots of elbows”. He tells me to go as deep as I want because, “You’re not going to hurt me.” 30 seconds later, as I’m using my hands…)

    Tough guy: “Ow, that’s too hard! Don’t go so deep!”

    (I lighten it up a lot and start to run my forearm down his back, and he starts dramatically wincing and squirming all over the table.)

    Tough guy: “OWWWW, that’s too hard! You need to go lighter!”

    (By the end of the massage, I was just brushing him with my hands, his tolerance was so low. The next week, I got his comment card back.)

    Tough guy’s comment card: “You beat the s*** out of me and I’m never coming back here again!”

    Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    A Method To The Madness

    , | St. Catharines, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, welcome to [fast food restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a chicken nugget kids meal.”

    Me: “Alrighty then, what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “Sweet and sour.”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, but what would you like to drink?”

    Customer: “I just told you, I want sweet and sour with my nuggets!”

    Me, catching on to their game: “Okay… what would you like to dip?”

    Customer: “Coke!”

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