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    The Trouble With Seeing In Black And White

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    Caller: “I need to exchange this movie. It’s the wrong one.”

    Me: “Which movie were you looking for?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “Um, what does it say on the case?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “What does it say on the video cassette itself?”

    Caller:Big Momma’s House.”

    Me: “I’m thinking you have Big Momma’s House there, Ma’am.”

    Caller: “But…”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “But… there’s white people in it.”

    Me: “There are a few of us about, ma’am. We do sneak into the odd movie here and there.”

    Caller: *click*

    Insert Butt Crack Here

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m having a problem with my suppositories. They’re not working at all!”

    Me: “Okay, let me get the pharmacist for you so he can help you.”

    (The customer decides to just yell the same question over two counters to the pharmacist in front of at least 10 other people.)

    Pharmacist: “Ma’am, would you like to come over to our consultation are so we can talk about this privately?”

    Customer: “No, I just want to know why my suppositories aren’t working!”

    Pharmacist: “Well, okay. Are they melting before you insert them?”

    Customer: “No, nothing like that!”

    Pharmacist: “Are they breaking up into pieces before you use them?”

    Customer: “No, no, nothing like that! They’re all in one piece and the same shape and all that stuff! I know how to follow the d*** directions!”

    Pharmacist: “Are parts of the foil wrapper sticking to it at all?”

    Customer: “What wrapper?!”

    (Note: the suppository wrappers are aluminum foil with sharp edges. Ouch.)

    Must Be One Of Them Transdimensional Cameras

    | Maryland, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m here to pick up my pictures.”

    (I grab the customer’s pictures and she proceeds to look through them. She then hands one of the pictures to me.)

    Customer: “Can you print this the other way?”

    Me: “The other way?”

    Customer: “Yes, flip it around.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (Confused, I go into the lab, insert the film negative into the machine upside down and print a mirrored image for the customer.)

    Me:¬†”Here you go!”

    Customer:¬†”No, no, no. Flip it around!”

    Me: “I did. See, it’s mirrored.”

    Customer:¬†”No, no, no. My husband took the picture.¬†Can you flip it around and print him?”

    Me:¬†”…”

    Full Of S***

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

    Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

    Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

    Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

    Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

    Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a g**d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

    Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! ¬†I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

    Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

    Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

    Going Bananas

    | Oildale, CA, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

    Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

    Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class, that will–”

    Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his ball off!?”

    Me: “Well…”

    Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

    (Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

    Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

    Veterinarian: “Now, Sarah, I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Veterinarian: “Well lets not have this happen again…” *turns back to customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we did, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

    Customer: *storms out*

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