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    The Inadvertent Thief

    | Northern Ireland, UK | Top

    Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [store] down the street.”

    Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

    (She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

    Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

    Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

    Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

    Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

    (She suddenly stops and looks at the tube in her hand. Her expression turns to horror and she legs it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)

    And Yet He Lives With A Nut

    | Barrie, ON, Canada |

    (A customer with her toddler comes into the store while I’m working on another customer’s order.)

    Customer: “I want to know if your peanut butter cookies have nuts in them.”

    Me: “Yes, yes they do.”

    Customer: “Oh, well my son is allergic to nuts. Do you have any that don’t have nuts?”

    Me: “You could try the oatmeal raisin.”

    Customer: “No, he doesn’t like raisins.” *picks up a different cookie*

    Me: “Um, those are white chocolate macadamia nut, which also have nuts in them.”

    Customer: “Well do you have anything that is nut-free here?!”

    Me: “We have cakes with fruit in them, muffins, bagels, croissants and scones. Would he like those?”

    Customer: “You people don’t care about my child!” *storms out of the store, child in tow*

    Me, to coworker: “How is he still alive?”

    Coworker: *shrugs*

    Talk About Creepy

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Top

    (It’s 3:30 am, and a hotel guest wanders into the back office that is clearly marked for staff only…)

    Guest: “My phone isn’t working. I need to call someone… it’s really important.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t be back here. Please go back into the lobby and I will reset your phone line.”

    Guest: *points at a chair* “Can’t I sit here?”

    Me: “No. Go back out into the lobby, right now.”

    Guest: *sits down* “I came here with a girl and she left me. Now I need to call for another girl.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, really, but you can’t sit here. You can’t be back here. Please, go back into the lobby.”

    Guest: *gets up* “Sorry. I’m upset.”

    Me: “Give me a minute and I’ll reset your phone line and then call your room to see if it goes through.”

    (I reset his phone and call his room. He leaves, only to come back 5 minutes later.)

    Guest: “It still isn’t working. I’m really unhappy. Do you know where I can get a prostitute?”

    Me: “I’m sure if you walk outside on the street and go to the corner you can find one, but you can’t bring her back here.”

    Guest: “That isn’t safe.”

    Me: “I’m sorry… I can’t help you, sir.”

    Guest: “Are you a prostitute?”

    Me: “No!”

    Guest: “I’ll pay you $160.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not a prostitute, and I’m going to call security.”

    Guest: “No, you won’t. You’re a prostitute. How about $280? How much do men normally pay?”

    Me: “Do I look like a prostitute? I’m a receptionist. I do paperwork and check people in. I don’t sleep with them.”

    Guest: “All of the girls that I know who are receptionists at night are prostitutes.”

    Me: “Well, I’m not. Can you please go back to your room?!”

    Guest: “I’m from Miami.”

    Me: “Good. Can you please go back to your room?”

    Guest: “Fine. Tomorrow I’m going to complain about the service here!”

    Me: “… because I won’t sleep with you for money?”

    Guest: “Will you just come sleep with me? I just need thirty minutes.”

    Me: “No.”

    Guest: “I’m talking to the manager tomorrow.”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. Good luck…”

    (He finally leaves, and I make a note of this encounter. I discover the next day that he was refunded $20 due to my poor service. I have no idea what he told the receptionist when he checked out, but she clearly didn’t read my note!)

    Hopefully They Didn’t Fly, Because Someone’s Walking Home

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Hotel Guest: “I was charged for two movies last night that I did not watch.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately I can not adjust these movies off. They were completely viewed from beginning to end–both movies.”

    Hotel Guest: “That’s absurd, there’s no way I saw those movies last night. I was asleep. What are the movies that were watched?”

    Me: “They’re adult movies, ma’am…”

    Hotel Guest: *enraged* “I DID NOT WATCH ANY DIRTY MOVIES!”

    Me: “Is there someone else in your room that may have ordered them?”

    Hotel Guest: “It’s just me and my boyfriend…”

    Me: *tight smile*

    Hotel Guest: “Oh. My. God. He ordered porn. We’re at a romantic getaway and he orders porn! I’m going to kill him!”

    Related:
    Hopefully, She Got The House

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    She Saw Seashells And Social Strata

    | Petaluma, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you have any floating candles?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we have a Fourth of July set of red, white and blue star-shaped floating candles, and we also carry a set shaped like seashells.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I saw those. The seashells are too ghetto. Do you have any plain white ones?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid the seashells and the stars are all we have. They’re too… ghetto, did you say?”

    Customer: “Yeah, this is for an outdoor party, you know? Thanks anyway.”


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