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    I Never Met A Simile I Didn’t Like

    | Gothenburg, Sweden |

    (I work at an amusement park. On this day I’m overseeing Skee-Ball, where you roll balls up a ramp to make them hit 4″ wide holes on the wall.)

    Customer: “How does this game work?”

    Me: “Well, it’s kinda like bowling, but without the pins.”

    Customer: “But a bowling ball doesn’t fit in those holes!”

    Me: “No…”

    Idiotic Costume Ideas, Vol. 1

    | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    (A man comes into the store. He’s covered in tattoos, sporting a buzz cut and a solid gold grill, and wearing a wife beater. He comes up to me.)

    Man: “Uh, yeah, do you guys have a KKK costume?”

    Me: “No… no, we don’t.”

    Man: “Oh, uh, do you know where I could get one?”

    Me: *repulsed* “I guess you could make one, but you’re not going to find it in any store in town.”

    (He walks off, but returns about 5 minutes later.)

    Man: “Do you have a Lorena Bobbitt costume?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Man: *leaves*

    Coworker: “Who the h*** would WANT one?!”

    Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Old man: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

    Me: “Oh yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

    Old man: “So, you have it?”

    Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

    (We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

    Me: “This is it.”

    Old man: “How much?”

    Me: “$12.99.”

    Old man: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

    Don’t Mess With Mum

    | Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

    (I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Mum: “Yes?”

    Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”

    (The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

    Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

    Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

    Mum: “Can I see the plate?”

    (Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

    Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

    Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Mum: “F*** off!”

    Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

    | Willimantic, CT, USA | Top

    (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

    Me: *walks out of the cooler*

    Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

    Me: “I don’t mind it.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

    Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

    Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

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