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    One Last Parting Shot, Part 2

    | Panama City, FL, USA |

    Me: Thank you for calling ***. How may I assist you?

    Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I can’t call out.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

    Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

    Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

    Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

    Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

    Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

    Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

    Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

    Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

    Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

    Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number and see what happens when you hit send.”

    Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

    (She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

    Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

    Related:
    One Last Parting Shot

    It’s All Downhill From Here

    | London, ON, Canada |

    (I’m making small talk with a customer while waiting for his computer to boot up. This is after talking about the weather in his area. The following takes place without missing a beat.)

    Me: “Yeah, well, I have a friend from Indiana.”

    Customer: “Really? Where did you meet him?”

    Me: “Actually, it’s a her.”

    Customer: “Oh, lucky guy!”

    Me: “I met her through her husband.”

    Customer: “Oh, not so lucky.”

    Me: “He’s my supervisor.”

    Customer: “Ouch.”

    Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

    | Eatonville, WA, USA |

    Drunk customer: “Nice hair, man! ”

    Me: “Uh, thanks…”

    Drunk customer: “Grow that s**t out, man! Hair farming is not out of style!”

    (Two nights later he returns, much less drunk this time.)

    Same customer: “GET A F****ING HAIR CUT!”

    (You gotta love working late at a gas station in Methville, USA.)

    What Is This Culturally Monolithic Country Coming To

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good evening sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a good movie.”

    Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth…¬†it was excellent.”

    Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

    Customer: “What the s*** is that?”

    Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

    Customer: “What the f*** is that?¬†We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish!¬†I want it in American!”

    (He storms off and promptly returns with Apocalypto.)

    Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

    Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a g**d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

    Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

    (He walks back up about 10 minutes later with Letters From Iwo Jima in his hand.) 

    Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

    Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

    (I give a look to my coworker who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad Letters From Iwo Jima is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)

    Maybe Microsoft Makes Them

    | California, USA |

    (A customer has no power to a CD-ROM drive and has a disc stuck inside.)

    Me: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. You need to find yourself a paperclip and unbend it a bit, so you have something to stick in the little hole next to the volume dial.”

    Customer: “So… a paperclip, you say? Can I order that from you? I’m not sure what that is…”

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