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    Seven Of Nine

    | Lafayette, IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Uh…how many pieces are in your nine piece bucket?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Seven. I’m taking two out for you asking that question.”

    Customer: “Seven? That’s a good deal!”

    The Price of Verity

    | New York, NY, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “Excuse me, I purchased this juicer from you yesterday and it doesn’t seem to be working. You have to take it back.”

    Me: “Really? Well I took that right out of the shipping crate it was delivered to us in, so no one here could have possibly have messed with it.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Just let me check something, please.”

    (I take the juicer out of the box and carry it over to the kitchen. Plugging it into an outlet I turn it on and watch as it revs up as normal.)

    Me: “Well it seems to be in working order. Are you sure you hit the power switch on the side here to turn it on when you tried using
    it?”

    Customer: “Hey, you’re supposed to just give me my money back, not check if I’m telling the truth!”

    Slow To Register

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout

    (It’s a busy day with long lines. I am one of the fastest cashiers we have.)

    Me: “Hi, did you find what you where looking for today?”

    (I’ve already processed and bagged about six Items.)

    Customer: “Stop bagging! I don’t want no double scans!”

    Me: “Okay, then.” *moving more slowly* “Did you find–”

    Customer: “No! Stop it! Start over and wait until I have it all on the belt!”

    Me: “Okay.” *I pause but don’t void out the total*

    Customer: “Good now show me the screen.” *grabs the screen*. “What did you scan?”

    (I scroll through the list now about 20+ things. After I start up scanning again, the customer has her eyes locked on the screen.)

    Me: “Ok, now that brings you total to–”

    Customer: “Here!” *slaps her card on the counter* “You young people move to fast! You should slow down! No one likes you being fast!.”

    Three other customers behind her: “We LOVE a fast checker!”

    Their Spelling Is Wrong, But They Are Sticking To It

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet provider]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I am trying to provision my personal modem for your internet and I am having issues. Could you help?”

    Me: “Sure. May I please have your modem id?”

    Caller: “001, E as in igloo, A as in apple, 3251, E as in igloo.”

    Me: “So that was 001, Echo, Alpha, 3251, Echo?”

    Caller: “No. E as in Igloo!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but Igloo begins with an I.”

    Caller: “The heck it does! Igloo is spelled E-G-L-U-E. I have a G.E.D.—you can’t pull one over on me, Mr. Fancy Pants!”

    Sick Of Waiting

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (A woman is several places back in line is with her son who is about 8 years old.)

    Customer’s Son: “Mom? I don’t feel good.”

    Customer: “Hang on, honey. Mommy is going to get her coffee and then she will take you to the restroom.”

    Customer’s Son: “Mom? I feel really sick.”

    (I look up and see the boy is very pale and breathing heavy.)

    Me: “Ma’am? If you would like to take your son to the restroom, we will save your place in line.”

    Customer: “No, it’s okay. We will wait.”

    Customer’s Son: “Mom. I really need the bathroom. I don’t feel good.”

    Customer: “Honey, just wait. We’ll be done in a few minutes.”

    My manager: “Ma’am, please take your son to the restroom. We’ll make your drink while you are in there. On the house. Please!”

    Customer: “No! He will have to wait.”

    (The customer’s son begins to gag and the customers near him move away from, all of them begging her to take him to the restroom immediately. A few even offer to take him themselves.)

    Customer: “I said No! He is just doing this for attention. If you ignore him he will stop.”

    Me: “Ma’am, for the last time. Please take your son to the–”

    (Customer’s son bends over and begins vomiting on the floor.)

    My manager: “Please! Get him out of here!”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to lose my place in line.”

    My manager: “Ma’am, either get him to the restroom or get him outside. Now!”

    Customer: *in a huff* “Well, fine! He’s only doing this for attention!”

    (The customer comes out 5 minutes later leading her fully recovered son by the hand. As I a finish mopping her the boy’s breakfast off the floor she collects her free coffee drink, smiles and leaves, calling out…)

    Customer: “Thank you very much. See you all tomorrow!”

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