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    How About Our Boogers, Lint And Toejam Sandwich

    | Fayetteville, TN, USA |

    Customer: “I want to know why you made his sandwich before you finished making mine.”

    Worker: “… because yours wasn’t finished heating up yet.”

    Customer: “I didn’t want a hot sandwich.”

    Worker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Company rules say we’re required to heat the bacon for a BLT.”

    Customer: “I didn’t ASK for bacon!”

    Worker: “You ordered a BLT…”

    Customer: “I know. I didn’t want bacon!”

    Worker: “BLTs have bacon on them, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No they don’t!”

    Worker: “Perhaps you wanted the BMT instead?”


    Worker:That has bacon on it.”


    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3

    | Tech Support |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want to get on the Internet.”

    Me: “Alright, are you interested in dialup or DSL?”

    Customer: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re speaking Greek to me!”

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    Think Unpoopy Thoughts

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?”

    Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.”

    Customer: “But what is it measuring?”

    Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.”

    Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?”

    Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.”

    Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.”

    (I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.)

    Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right?

    (My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.)

    Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!”

    Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood

    | Myrtle Beach, SC, USA | Bigotry, History

    (A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”

    Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”

    Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”

    Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”

    Me: “Not even close.”

    Tourist: “Cuban?”

    Me: “No.”

    Tourist: “What are you, then?”

    Me: “I’m Native American.”

    Tourist: “So am I.” (She’s white as notebook paper.)

    Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”

    Tourist: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”

    Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”

    Me: “Just take your change.”

    … And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us

    Red + Blue = Purple (Bruises)

    , | Central Illinois, USA |

    (It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. ¬†This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!”

    Coworker: “How old are they?!”

    Customer: “In their 20s.”

    Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!”

    Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.”

    Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?”

    Customer: “No, from Democrats!”

    (My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.)

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