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    She Fought The Law… And The Law Won

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA |

    (This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

    Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

    Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

    Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

    Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

    Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

    (I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

    Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

    Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

    Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

    (Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)

    What Strange Magic Is This

    | North Carolina, USA |

    Me: “Sporting Goods, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

    Me:¬†”What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

    Customer:¬†”I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

    Me:¬†”Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand.¬†It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

    Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*

    It Doesn’t Take Much To Get A Guy Going

    , | Easthampton, MA, USA |

    (I work at the drive-thru of a certain fast food restaurant that has milkshakes that come with these massive tube straws, roughly the width of a nickel, and bright blue.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You’ve got those blue straws, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, we do. They come with our Sundae Shakes.”

    Customer: “Cool. Gimme two. Don’t forget the straws!”

    Me: “Okay….”

    (I tell him the total and ask him to pull up…)

    Customer: “You sure these come with those blue straws?”

    Me: “Yes, they do…” *hands him his change*

    Customer, to his girlfriend: “Blue turns me on…”

    (I grab the straws and hand them out the window. After they pulled away, I burst out laughing for a good five minutes.)

    All Hail Wikipedia

    | Peterborough, ON, Canada |

    (A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

    Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

    Me: “Just a second.”

    (At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

    Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

    Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

    Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

    Customer: “Please stop.”

    Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

    Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

    Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

    Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

    Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

    Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

    (I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

    Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU!”

    Puzzle on Wikipedia

    Leonard Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

    Old lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

    (I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely…)

    Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

    Old lady, sadly: “It was Leonard.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

    Old lady, now indignant: “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!

    Related:
    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave


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