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    Will Somebody Please Think Of The Pr0n

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, *** Computers. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my computer has a ton of viruses. I was told I need a complete wipe. Can you guys do that?”

    Me: “Yes we can sir. Can I just ask why you think your computer needs a full wipe?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well my son was looking at porn a few days ago, and now it won’t work at all. That’s why I’d like my computer wiped.”

    Me: “Alright, then sir. You can bring in your computer anytime today. I just want to ask if there’s any files you want us to save before you do.”

    Customer: “Yeah, can you save my porn?”

    Me: “I’m… sorry?”

    Customer: “Can you save my porn?”

    Me: “Yes sir, we can definitely save all your… files. We just aren’t able to move any programs over unless you have the CD.”

    Customer: “No, I have all the CD’s. I’ll do it all myself. I just want to know if you can save my porn.”

    Me: “Yes sir, we can save all your files. Word documents, JPEGs–”

    Customer: “–and my porn.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Great. I’ll bring it in this afternoon.” *click*

    (Fortunately, he never came in.)

    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (I’ve just done a sales pitch for internet service.)

    Customer: “Oh honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know that to do with the internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

    Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

    Me: “I don’t know, I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

    Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

    Related:
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

    Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

    Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”

    Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”

    Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

    Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”

    What. The. F***.

    | Knoxville, TN, USA |

    (I work in a deli, and the new girl gets a call about party trays; she hands the phone to me.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Sorry about the wait. Do you know which tray you want?”

    Male caller: “I just need some information about party trays.”

    Me: “Alright, what would you like to know?”

    Male caller: “How many should I order for a bachelorette party with 8 women for 6 hours? They’re hiring me to be the entertainment, and they’re paying me $300 to be a garbage disposal. They said they’ll go out and get more if I don’t bring enough. Would you?”

    Me: “Would I… what?”

    Male caller: “If you were paying me $300 to be the entertainment and garbage disposal, how long do you think it would last? I want to know what I’m in for. They’re gonna put me in a dress and makeup and tie me up and feed me the leftovers to see how much I can hold. Would you?”

    Me: “No, I wouldn’t. Sir… I–”

    Male caller: “No, if you were paying me $300 to be entertainment and the garbage disposal and put me in a dress and tie me up so I couldn’t get out… They’re going to pay me a $150 dollar bonus to take a vacuum cleaner and hook it up to me and vacuum. I want to know what I’m in for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect–”

    Male caller: “Would you?”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to my manager. He might be able to help you.”

    Male caller: *click*

    Too Much Of A Good Thing

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Where is your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “These cones are the problem. There are too many.”

    Me: “You bought too many cones?”

    Customer: “Kid, read this for me. That box says 12 cones, right? Well I bought it for my daughter’s birthday party yesterday and opened it up to find 14 cones. That’s false advertising! I could sue your a** off for doing that. Now get me the g**d**n manager!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered.”

    (I open the box, remove two cones, and hand it back to him.)

    Customer: *muttering* “A man’s got to get his money’s worth…”

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