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    The Magical Mocha Phone

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I used to repair phones for an office.)

    Customer:¬†”My phone is broken.”

    Me: “Can you please describe the problem?”

    Customer: “It’s broken.”

    Me: “In what way?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Do you have a dial tone? ¬†Can you not dial a specific number?”

    Customer: “Nothing happens. It’s broken.”

    Me: “Where is your desk?”

    Customer: “Second floor, cube ***.”

    (Upon arriving, I find the phone with no lights, no dial tone, no anything. On a hunch, I ask…)

    Me: “Did you spill coffee in it?”

    Customer: “No!”

    (I grab the phone, tilt it and coffee pours out.)

    Me: “Huh.” *glares at customer*

    Customer: “I DIDN’T spill coffee in it!”

    Me:¬†”Riiight.”

    Family Values, Part 2

    | Guadalajara, Mexico |

    Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why haven’t I received my movie?”

    Me: “Which one was it?”

    (He gives me the name of the movie, and I check on the computer to see if that title is available.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have it on stock yet, but we will have your copy by Wednesday.”

    Customer: “But you have it already for rental!” *goes to the shelf and brings me one of the cases*

    Me: “Yes, but those are for rental only. We receive a few copies for rental only, and a few days after we get the ones for sale.”

    Customer: “Then give me this one.”

    Me: “That one is exclusively for rental.”

    Customer: “F*** it. I’m leaving!” *storms out of the store with the DVD*

    Me: “Hey!”

    (I call mall security. A few minutes later, a guard comes laughing to the store.)

    Guard: “Is this the stolen DVD?”

    Manager: “Yes, thank you.”

    Guard: “We found him trying to get in his car and two kids were inside. When we got him the kids started to cry, but not because we were taking his grandpa into custody.”

    Me: “Then why?”

    Guard: *laughs* “They were crying because they weren’t getting the movie today.”

    Related:
    Family Values

    Maybe We Should Shellac Them Next Time

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “I’d like to complain about these donuts I bought.”

    Me: “Okay, Madam, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “They’re stale. I bought them, went to eat them and they’re stale! I want my money back!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Let me have a look at them and we’ll sort this out.”

    (I look at the bad donuts.)

    Me: “Ah, I see your problem, Madam. When did you buy these?”

    Customer: “About two weeks ago. Why?”

    Me: “Well, the use by date was about ten days ago which explains why they were stale.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “You have to eat them by the use by date or they’ll go stale. I can’t give you your money back.”

    Customer: “This makes no sense! I didn’t get a chance to eat them so I want my money back!”

    All Signs Point To No

    , | Oregon, USA |

    (A customer pulls up and parks in a handicapped spot in front of the store.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a fresh squeezed orange juice.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we just cleaned our juicer and the chemical that we use had to dry or else it’s toxic. We won’t be able to squeeze any juice until tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What the f***? This is the second time this has happened.”

    Me: “Well, we clean it a half hour before we close–”

    Customer: “You should put up a sign!”

    Me: “Oh, um. Well, I’ll mention that to my manager–”

    Customer: “PUT UP A SIGN!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t have the authority to do that, but I’ll–”

    Customer: “JUST PUT UP A SIGN!”

    Me: “Oh, and you’re parked in a handicapped zone.”

    Customer: “THEY SHOULD–”

    Me: “Yes, they have a sign up, sir.”

    So Much For Being Patriotic

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Customer: “I’m looking for a clock radio.”

    Me: “Certainly. Our clock radios are over on these shelves here. Is there any particular style or brand you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “This one looks alright. It’s made here, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I believe that one is manufactured in China.”

    Customer: “S***, you’re kidding! Well, what about this one?”

    Me: “That’s also a [electronics brand], ma’am; that’s also made in China.”

    Customer: “S***, I DON’T WANT ANY BLOODY CHINESE S***. SHOW ME ONE THAT ISN’T CHINESE!”

    Me: “Well, this particular model over here is a [another reputable electronics brand], with all of the same functions.”

    Customer: “Not from China?”

    Me: “No, this one’s made in Japan.”

    Customer: “S***, I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT ANY F****** CHINESE GARBAGE! *points to first radio* “Just give me that one there.”

    Me: “Uh… ma’am, that one is made in China, and the last one wasn’t…”

    Customer: “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A S***?!”

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