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    Buuuurn

    | Northern California, USA |

    (A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

    Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

    Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

    (He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

    Water You, Stupid

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Top

    (While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

    Me: “Whose bag is this?”

    Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

    Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

    Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

    (I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

    Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

    Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

    Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This

    | California, USA |

    (The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

    Hotel Guest:¬†”What is that sound?”

    Me:¬†”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.”

    Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

    Hotel Guest:¬†”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!”

    Me: *bangs head on the counter*

    Caught Brown Handed

    | Belgium |

    (In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

    Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

    Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

    Daughter: “Um, mum…”

    Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

    Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

    (Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

    Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

    Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

    Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

    (Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

    Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

    | Dundee, Scotland, UK |

    (A South American customer and his wife were browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

    Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

    Me: “Well you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

    Customer: “I can see that, I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

    Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you, we’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

    Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

    Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

    Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

    Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

    (His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

    Customer: “You should know things like that; you do work here. What’s the point?!”


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