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  • Tricks Of The Trade

    | Denmark | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

    Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

    (I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

    Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

    Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

    (I hand the call to my manager.)

    Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

    Manager: “Promote him?”

    Has More Than A Few Issues

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    (A customer walks in with 5 magazines under her arm.)

    Customer: “Hi, how much does it cost to laminate one A4 page?”

    Me: “That’ll be $0.10.”

    Customer: “Great and um, about how many pages are in a magazine?”

    Me: “I’d say about 100.”

    Customer: “Great, so 100 multiplied by five is 500 hundred right?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “So 500 multiplied by $0.10 would be $50.00 right?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yeah so can you like, laminate each page in the magazine?”

    Me: “Why would you want to do that?”

    Customer: “So I can read them in the bath.”

    H2Slow, Part 2

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (I’m watering plants in my aisle when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Are these real?”

    Me: “Yes they are.” * continues pouring water*

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “I’m watering them, miss.”

    Customer: “Doesn’t mean they’re real.”

    Related:
    H2Slow

    When Non-Stick Causes Friction

    | New York, NY, USA | Home Improvement, Uncategorized

    (A customer approaches me with a pan from one of our non-stick cookware sets.)

    Customer: “I need some pots and pans for our new house. However, I’ve heard this Teflon coating can release toxic chemicals into your food.”

    Me: “Actually, our vendors did away with Teflon years ago and now use a new, much safer variety of non-stick. What you’re holding in fact would really only present a problem if you were to deliberately damage the cooking surface, say by going at it with a hammer and chisel.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I’ll take two sets then.”

    (Several days pass, and the customer comes back and dumps everything he’s bought on my counter.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I know this isn’t really your fault, but I tried using these and the food tastes really funny–like there are still chemicals being leaked into it. I think you’ve been told some dirty lies by your vendors.”

    (I take several of the pans out, and find they all have now have either a small ‘D’ or ‘M’ burned into their cooking surface.)

    Me: “What happened to these?”

    Customer: “Nothing, my family is insistent that we only use one set of pans dairy and the other set for meat so I made sure to label which were which.”

    Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said about damaging the cooking surface?”

    Customer: “You said that would only be dangerous if I used a hammer and chisel. So I took them to my jewelery store and did it with a laser engraver instead.”

    Buffalos In The Mist

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’m looking for some cheese, but I can’t remember what it’s called.”

    Me: “Well, we carry over 100 different kinds of cheese. Is there anything that you know about it?”

    Customer: “It’s a type of Parmesan cheese, and I think it was made from gorilla milk.”

    Me: “Gorilla? Uh, do you mean buffalo?”

    Customer: “They’re the same thing!”

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