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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Natural Selection At Work

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am in concessions and a customer comes up bleeding pretty good.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering where your first aid station is?”

    Me: “It is that gazebo right over there.”

    (I point to a gazebo about 30 feet away.)

    Customer: “Uh…where is it?”

    Me: “The gazebo right over there. The hut that has the ‘First Aid’ sign hanging on it.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (He walks half way over to the station but stops and looks at the hand sanitizer on a post for a couple seconds but then comes back.)

    Customer: “Okay, where is this place?”

    Me: “It is the hut right over there. It’s about 20 feet away from you.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t see it.”

    Me: “Would you like me to walk you over there?”

    Customer: *pauses to think* “Nah, I’ll just let the chlorine stop the bleeding…” *starts walking away*

    Me: “Sir! You can’t bleed like that in a pool!”

    A Burning Question

    | Sheffield, UK | Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

    (The fire alarm has gone off. The fire department have arrived and the whole building is evacuated. A customer attempts to enter.)

    Me: “Excuse me, the store is closed due to a fire.”

    Customer: “I only want a couple of things.”

    Me: “There is a fire. We have evacuated the building.” *points to scared looking customers and employees*

    Customer: “I only want bread an milk.”

    Me: “The building is on fire! I’m sorry, sir, but we will be unlikely to serve anyone until tomorrow!”

    Customer: “Oh! Does that mean the fresh vegetables are on offer?” *tries to push past me*

    Me: “No. Nothing is on offer at all because the store is closed.”

    (At this point more customers are arriving.)

    Customer #2: “So we can’t even pay? Those people got sent home with their stuff for free!” *points to customers loading their cars with stolen goods*

    Me: “No, they have stolen those things. They have been caught on camera, and they will be prosecuted when the emergency is over.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, so I can get my stuff for free?”

    Original customer: “Does that mean it’s free if we eat it all tonight?”

    Me: “No. Wait…what?”

    Yes To Dismember, No To His Member

    | Leeds, UK | Uncategorized

    (A customer comes to the counter with his son with a Grand Theft Auto game.)

    Me: “Sir, you are aware this is an 18 rated game?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am aware of that.”

    Me: “It contains sex.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Violence.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Bad Language.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Drug Usage.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Full frontal male nudity.”

    Customer: “He’s bloody well not having this!”

    (The customer hands the game over to me and walks out.)

    And That’s How The Minnesota Vikings Came To Be

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hmm. Are you tribal?”

    Me: “Um, no. I am white.”

    Customer: “No, you are seriously tribal.”

    Me: “Well, I’m part Cherokee…”

    Customer: “No, that’s not it.”

    Me: “I’m part Norwegian?”

    Customer: “THAT’S IT!”

    Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

    | Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

    (I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

    Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

    (He takes out a phone, dialing.)

    American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

    Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    American customer: “Do you sing too?”

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