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    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman With Fake Stones

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

    Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

    Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

    Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

    Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

    Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

    (I go and get our diamond tester from the back.¬†If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep.¬†I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

    (I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

    (The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

    Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

    Smoked

    | Spokane, WA, USA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I want one single cigarette.”

    Me: “No problem, can I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What? Do I look 14 to you?”

    Me: “No, you look 18, but unless I get ID I can’t sell them to you.”

    Customer: “Why cant you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”

    Customer: “Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”

    Me: “I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”

    Related:
    Burned

    Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

    Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

    Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

    Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

    Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions, 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

    (After this incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say “Do not include the dash”.)

    Grog Carry Bag, Grog Not Fashion Consultant

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

    Customer’s husband: “Umm… sure.”

    Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    What Goes Around Comes Around

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Me: “Reference Desk, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I have been waiting for a book for months, and it’s overdue.”

    Me: “Okay, I can put it on hold for you and that will trigger our system to call the person who has it out.”

    Caller: “I can’t believe that you let people do this.¬†It’s so rude! Don’t people understand that maybe someone else might be waiting to read that book?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand. Could you please tell me your name and the title of the book?”

    Caller: *tells me her name and the book title*

    (I type in her name, click “Place Hold” and enter the title. An error message pops up: “Cannot place hold. This title is already checked out to this patron.”)

    Me: “Ma’am… there seems to be a problem.¬†I can’t place the book on hold for you because you are the one who has it checked out.”

    Caller: “What? WHAT?! That is impossible! How could that be? I never checked that book out!”

    Me: “Well, it’s out on your card, and it’s quite overdue. I’m going to have to ask you to return it, because there are people waiting to read it.”

    Related:
    An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

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