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    Come Fly The Stupid Skies

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I was flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzzed the flight attendant.)

    Flight Attendant: “What can I help you with?”

    Passenger #1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”

    Passenger #2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”

    Flight Attendant: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”

    Passenger #2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”

    A Rainbow Of Flavor

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

    Me: “It tastes like…mangoes?”

    Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

    Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

    Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

    Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

    Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

    Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”

    Not-So-Great Expectations

    | Okemos, MI, USA |

    (It was Memorial Day, and my restaurant happened to be open, although business was very slow. I then received a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, can you tell me if **** restaurant is open today? *naming a competitor*

    Me: “Uh, I really don’t know if they’re open. You know you called ****, right?”

    Caller: “Of course I do, I just assumed you would know if they were open.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not affiliated with them. We really don’t keep track of what other restaurants in the area do with regard to their business hours.”

    Caller: “You’re not being very helpful. I think there should be something you should be able to do.”

    Me: “Have you tried calling them?”

    Caller: “Of course I’ve tried calling them. I’m not an idiot.”

    Me: “What did they say when they answered?”

    Caller: “No one picked up. I called four different times, and no one answered.”

    Me: “Well, that probably means that they’re closed today. If no one is working there, I mean.”

    Caller: “I just want to make sure – can you send someone over there to check?”

    Me: “Um, no, we can’t.”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because we work here. I can’t send an employee out of the restaurant to drive down the road and find out if a competitor is open today. If you really want to find out, I suggest you drive there yourself.”

    Caller: “I’m not going to waste my time and drive to a restaurant where no one answered the phone! My time is valuable.”

    Me: *losing patience* “Clearly.”

    Caller: “Look, I don’t see why this is so difficult. Just send someone down there to see if they’re open. It’s not like you’re working today.”

    Me: “Actually, we are working. Our restaurant is open today.”

    Caller: “Oh, do you have any specials?”

    Me: “…”

    Picky Python

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A lady comes in with an 8-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

    Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

    Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

    Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

    Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

    Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

    Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served, unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

    Customer: “You’re crazy!”

    Me: *calling to manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

    Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

    Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

    Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

    Me: “…”

    Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

    Customer: “I’m going across the street, and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

    (We never saw her again.)

    Eau De Customer

    | Gilford, NH, USA |

    (This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecians in the summer. Usually, they’re a bit standoffish, but polite. This time, not so much.)

    Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

    Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

    Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

    Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

    Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

    Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

    Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

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