Creative Creature Literature 101

| Memphis, TN, USA | Top

Customer: “Do you have How to Catch a Mole?”

Me: “I don’t know of that book, let me check.”

Customer: “I have to read it for school.”

Me: “No, we don’t have that.”

Customer: “It’s really famous. I think Dante wrote it.”

Me: “Dante? ”

Customer: “Or someone like that.”

Me: “What class is this for?”

Customer: “English Literature.”

Me: *inspiration strikes* “You mean Taming of the Shrew!”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Defeats The Porpoise

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

Child: “Mister, how do the waves work?” *points to wave pool*

Me: “There are big machines out the back that make the waves, mate.”

Child: “But my daddy says there are dolphins in cages that make the waves.”

Me: “Sorry buddy, no dolphins.”

(10 minutes later…)

Father: “You told my son there any dolphins.”

Me: “There aren’t.”

Father: “This is false advertising! Where are the dolphins! I was told there were dolphins!”

Me: “Nope, no dolphins.”

Father: *brief silence* “How about whales?”

Almost Makes You Want To Re-Tire

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “They charged me $110 for working on my car?!”

Me: “What did you have done?”

Customer: “I just came because the car said service was needed on the car.”

Me: “Yes, you got an oil change and tire rotation, state inspection and a car wash.”

Customer: “Tire rotation? Aren’t they always like, rotating as I drive?”

Me: “Yes, but the tires are removed and swapped, the tires on the rear are moved to the front, and the fronts to the rear. It’s to help the tires wear out evenly.”

Customer: “They wear out?”

Me: “Eventually, yes. They do.”

Customer: “Why?”

(I try to describe traction, friction, and the breakdown of soft compounds like tire tread over concrete.)

Customer: *blank stare* “Isn’t my car pretty?”

(As the customer leaves, they pull on the door about three times before they see the push sign.)

Those Must Be The Mighty Ducks

| Wellington, New Zealand | Uncategorized

(Two customers are unloading $250 of cat food and bread onto my checkout.)

Me: “Hey, you having a good day?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you got a lot of cats?”

Customer: “No. We just leave it outside overnight.”

Me: “Oh, right. What’s with the bread, you having some sort of party or something?”

(Keep in mind this is a good 50 loaves of bread.)

Customer: *vaguely* “Oh no, we’re going to the duck pond later today.”

Multi-person Multi-tasking

| Dallas, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company name], how may I help you?”

Customer: “You guys clean my pool and I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Would you have your pool cleaner pick up my dry cleaning and bring it to my house when he comes to clean the pool?”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not a service we offer.”

Customer: “But it’s just right down the street.”

Me: “Ma’am, first of all we would need the ticket they give you to pick up your clothes. Have you thought about getting a personal assistant? I have the name of a company who–”

Customer: “FINE! I’ll just get the landscaper to do it!” *hangs up*

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