A Burning Question

| Sheffield, UK | Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

(The fire alarm has gone off. The fire department have arrived and the whole building is evacuated. A customer attempts to enter.)

Me: “Excuse me, the store is closed due to a fire.”

Customer: “I only want a couple of things.”

Me: “There is a fire. We have evacuated the building.” *points to scared looking customers and employees*

Customer: “I only want bread an milk.”

Me: “The building is on fire! I’m sorry, sir, but we will be unlikely to serve anyone until tomorrow!”

Customer: “Oh! Does that mean the fresh vegetables are on offer?” *tries to push past me*

Me: “No. Nothing is on offer at all because the store is closed.”

(At this point more customers are arriving.)

Customer #2: “So we can’t even pay? Those people got sent home with their stuff for free!” *points to customers loading their cars with stolen goods*

Me: “No, they have stolen those things. They have been caught on camera, and they will be prosecuted when the emergency is over.”

Customer #2: “Oh, so I can get my stuff for free?”

Original customer: “Does that mean it’s free if we eat it all tonight?”

Me: “No. Wait…what?”

Yes To Dismember, No To His Member

| Leeds, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer comes to the counter with his son with a Grand Theft Auto game.)

Me: “Sir, you are aware this is an 18 rated game?”

Customer: “Yes, I am aware of that.”

Me: “It contains sex.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Violence.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Bad Language.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Drug Usage.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Full frontal male nudity.”

Customer: “He’s bloody well not having this!”

(The customer hands the game over to me and walks out.)

And That’s How The Minnesota Vikings Came To Be

| Richmond, VA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hmm. Are you tribal?”

Me: “Um, no. I am white.”

Customer: “No, you are seriously tribal.”

Me: “Well, I’m part Cherokee…”

Customer: “No, that’s not it.”

Me: “I’m part Norwegian?”

Customer: “THAT’S IT!”

Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

| Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

(I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

(He takes out a phone, dialing.)

American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

Me: “Thank you?”

American customer: “Do you sing too?”

May We Suggest The Decaf

| Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

Coworker: “Hi there, what can we get you today?”

Customer: “I want a mocha with THIS much coffee in it.”

Coworker: “Alright, so about two inches of brewed coffee as well as the espresso and all the other stuff?”

Customer: “What is it with you people? How come every time I go here, you have to ask me a million questions? Are you all stupid? All I want is a mocha with coffee!”

Me: “We just want to make sure we make your drink the way you want it.”

Customer: “So what? I don’t care! I’m not answering anymore questions! Just make me my drink!”

Me: “Okay, so I’m just going to put coffee in the cup with–”

Customer: “No! No, no, no, not coffee! Mocha! MOCHA! Mocha with THIS much coffee!”

Me: “So, no coffee. Do you just want a mocha with two inches of espresso then? It usually only comes with–”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! You are all idiots! Let me tell you step by step how to do it. First, walk over to that machine over there and put that brown stuff, COFFEE, into the cup to THIS line and then add the shot…and chocolate…and milk!”

Me: “So you do want brewed coffee in it?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

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