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    Darwin Called, He Wants His Prehensile Thumb Back

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I hear you need some help getting your car opened?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my battery went dead and so I can’t get my doors open!”

    Me: “Did you lock your keys in your car?”

    Caller: “No, it’s just that I have electronic locks, and the battery is dead so I can’t get the doors open!”

    Me: “Um, did you try to open the door manually?”

    Caller: “How do I do that? ”

    Me: “You stick your key into the door lock on the outside of the door. Turn it and it should unlock.”

    Caller: “OH! YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

    A Little Bit Too Honest There

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I used to work at a sporting goods store, when a young guy of about 12-14 years of age came in.)

    Customer: “Hi, can you tell me where I can find a jock, like for playing baseball?”

    Me: “Oh, you mean a protective cup? Sure, they’re right over here.”

    Customer: “Thanks. Oh, are there sizes?”

    Me: “Yeah, they’re–”

    Customer: *whispers* “I think I’m a small.”

    Me: “They’re according to waistband.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “I’ll be over there if you need anything else.”

    Ask A Stupid Question, Part 3

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I’m delivering some pizzas and “quepapas.” They come with ranch dressing for dipping but my co-worker forgot to put the ranch in the box.)

    Customer: “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna have a look at the quepapas, because last time I got them they were cold.”

    Me: “Sure thing, not a problem.”

    Customer: *opens box* “Where the heck is the ranch dressing?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I guess we forgot to put it in the box. I could go back and get it for you if you would like.”

    Customer: “Well yeah! How am I supposed to eat them without ranch dressing?!”

    Me: “I would try sticking it in your mouth, followed by chewing and then swallowing…”

    Customer: “Good one, jacka**!” *slams door*

    Related:
    Today, All My Questions Shall Be Stupid
    Ask A Stupid Question …
    Ask A Stupid Question, Part 2

    Either That, Or Like Eeyore

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m recording a group of 15 year-old rappers.)

    Me: “Do you like the way that sounds?”

    Rapper: “Yo, can you make me sound like, um… like a maaaaan?”

    Me: “Um… I’m not really sure I know what you mean.”

    Rapper: “Like, I wanna sound like a big man, ya know?”

    Me: “Hrm. Okay, let’s try this…” *I lower the pitch of his vocals a bit* …”like that?”

    Rapper: “Yeah! Perfect, now I sound all strong!”

    Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

    Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

    Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

    Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

    Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

    Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

    Me: “Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

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