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    A Bozo By Any Other Name

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    (The client looks at name on desk; my name’s Hattie.)

    Client: “Your name is so stupid.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad. ”

    Client: “Your parents must really hate you.”

    Me: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”

    Client: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”

    Me: *stifles giggle*

    Client: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”

    One Annoyed Paranoid

    | Nebraska, USA |

    (I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grand Son!” birthday card.)

    Customer: “Hello… I only have this one birthday card.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”

    (The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)

    Customer: “Now how does this know who I am?!”

    Me: “… excuse me?”

    Customer: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”

    Customer: “Well!”

    (She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)

    Customer: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”

    Me: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”

    Customer: “Why do you need my address?!”

    Me: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure. And it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”

    Customer: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”

    Me: “Um, I promise you, I am not. And I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”

    Customer: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!”"

    Me: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”

    Customer: “If you work in the photo department, that could be photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”

    Me: “Umm, okay…” *calls manager*

    Manager: “What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”

    Manager: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”

    Manager: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”

    (My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)

    Manager: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”

    Customer: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON!? YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

    Customer Of The Week: They’re Crazy

    | Ottawa, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: They're Crazy
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Our Great Dumbocracy

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (A woman in medical scrubs with a name badge enters the store and approaches the counter.)

    Customer: “Helllooo! How are YOU tonight?”

    Me: “I’m doing well. How are you?”

    Customer: “Oh, just fine. Are you voting in this year’s election?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “Have you considered John McCain?”

    Me: “Well, no, not really.”

    Customer: “No? Who are you voting for, OBAMA?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “OBAMA! HA HA HA!”

    (She continues to laugh maniacally, inserting “OBAMA” between laughs. After a little while, she comes to the register with a few rentals.)

    Customer: “Hellooo! How are you tonight?”

    Me: “Still doing well… did you find what you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Have you thought at all about this year’s election?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “We just had this conversation.”

    Customer: “Oh. Who are you voting for? I’m voting for Obama. I just want our troops to come home.”

    Me: “You just laughed at me for not wanting to vote for McCain!”

    Customer: *confused look* “Really? I’m so tired when I get out of work!”

    Heaven Sent Deliveries, Moses Speaking

    | Ohio, USA |

    Caller: ¬†”My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

    Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

    Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

    Me: “What would you like me to do?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

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