• A Pain In The Nugget
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    Between A Rock And A Hard Head

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “What is a pebble?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a very small rock…generally smooth.”

    Customer: “Fine, where do you sell pebbles?”

    Me: “Right at the back of the garden section, sir.”

    Customer: “Are your pebbles heat-resistant?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, but I could call one of our garden specialists to help you.”

    Customer: “Never mind! I need heat resistant rocks!” (He shows me a rock.) “Is this rock limestone? Limestone is heat resistant.”

    Me: “I can’t tell if it’s limestone just from looking, but limestone has a lot of calcium in it, so if you dip it in vinegar and fizzes up, it’s probably limestone.”

    Customer: “Forget it! You are worthless! I’ll just stick this in the microwave and see if it’s heat resistant!”

    (He storms off. He came back the next day…for a new microwave.)

    Magnetic Lines Of Farce

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Math & Science

    (An elderly customer we have would order a new credit card, like clockwork, every two weeks.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. This is [credit card company]. We were reviewing your history with us and we noticed that you get a new one every two weeks.”

    Caller: “Of course I do! They won’t work!”

    Me: “What exactly is wrong with it ma’am?”

    Caller: “The magnetic strip isn’t working!”

    Me: “How can you tell this?”

    Caller: “Well, when I put it on the fridge, it just falls off!”

    Cost In The Translation, Part 2

    | Cambridge, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “This food is terrible. I want a refund!”

    (Turns to her daughter and starts speaking in Spanish.)

    Customer: “The food was amazing, actually!”

    Me: *also in Spanish* “I’ll send my compliments to the chef, then.”

    Cost In The Translation

    Matchless Yet Priceless

    | San Diego, CA , USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Okay, that will be $230.11.”

    Customer: “I’ll give you $75 for it.”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “$110.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Our prices are set.”

    Customer: “Okay. $159.”

    Me: “I am really sorry. I can’t bring it down from $230.11. If you’d like, I can help you pick out something within your price range?”

    Customer: “Fine. Throw in that and I’ll get out of your hair.” (Points to a $100 hand held massager.)

    Me: “I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “So much for price match! F*** this!” *leaves*

    Obviously Not An Outsider

    | Sussex, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    (My flower stand is outside right next to a payphone, which starts ringing.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hi is this [Auto Company]?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “[Auto Company]? I need someone to look at my car.”

    Me: “Sorry, this is a pay phone. I just picked it up because I heard it ringing.”

    Customer: “Are you sure you’re not in [Auto Company]?”

    Me: “Nope, I’m outside.”

    Customer: “Can you check?”

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