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    Stupid Customers Come With A Sign

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (I notice a customer standing in our fish department examining the turtle tank.)

    Me: “Hello. Do you need help sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I was just looking at your turtles. I have some at home and I’ve been wanting to put goldfish in with them. Can I do that?”

    Me: “You can, but turtles will usually eat goldfish.”

    (He looks genuinely upset at this fact.)

    Customer: “Oh. Well can’t I just put a sign in the tank that says ‘Don’t Eat The Goldfish’ so the turtles will know?”

    Me: “Sir, turtles can’t read.”

    Customer: “They can’t?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Hmm. Well, that’s upsetting.”

    Spewing Obnoxious Gases

    | Sandy, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (I’m putting an item in a customer’s plastic bag after ringing them out.)

    Customer #1: “Uhm… could you maybe use that bag for somebody who wants to kill the environment?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think I can.”

    (I turn to the next customer in line.)

    Me: “Do you want to kill the environment?”

    Customer #2: “Yes!”

    Me: “A bag it is.”

    It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Canada, Technology, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    (I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)

    Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”

    Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”

    Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”

    (I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)

    Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”

    Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”

    Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”

    Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”

    Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”

    Wet The Appetite

    | Staten Island, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)

    Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”

    Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”

    Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”

    Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”

    Me: “Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”

    Customer: “Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”

    Not A Believer

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, how much is an oil change?”

    Me: “$38.99.”

    Caller: “Okay, well usually I bring in a coupon and they give me money off, but I don’t have it with me this time. Can you just give me a discount?”

    Me: “No, we actually need to scan the hard copy itself to enter a discount.”

    Caller: “Well, what if I bring in a make-believe coupon?”

    Me: “A what?”

    Caller: “You know, a make-believe coupon?”

    Me: “Those are good for make-believe oil changes.”

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