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    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (I had just started a new IT job for a large school district and was not expecting the level of stupidity I would be dealing with on a regular basis. Within my first 3 weeks, I receive a phone call from a school.)

    Clerk: “Hi, I am trying to use this new system on these computers and I attempting to make my account. My Principal got me started but now I am stuck.”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Clerk: “Well, it is asking me for First Name and I have no idea what I am supposed to type.”

    Me: “You’re at the registration screen? Um…well I think you are supposed to enter your name.”

    Clerk: “Oh…okay…wait. No, it’s asking me for something else.”

    Me: “What now?”

    Clerk: “It says…last…name…what do I put here?”

    Me: “Probably your last name.”

    Clerk: “Oh, thanks…oh Jesus, now it’s asking for my phone number! What the hell am I suppose to put here! Why can’t I just do it the old fashioned way?”

    Me: “You mean pen and paper?”

    Clerk: “Yes! It was so much easier. These fancy computers are just so complicated. I never understand what I am suppose to do!”

    (I bit my tongue and just let her ramble on about how ‘First Name’ was such an incredibly hard concept to grasp.)

    Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Technology, Top

    (Back story: the customer was getting a blue screen of death on their computer.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was wondering if you could tell me who general failure is and why he is trying to read the C drive on my computer?”

    Me: “Ummm…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I said that some guy named General Failure is reading my C drive.”

    Me: “How did you come to this conclusion?”

    Customer: “When I booted up my computer I get a big blue screen that says “General failure reading drive C,” and I demand to know who this person is!”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, if you don’t mind I am going to place you on hold for about 10 minutes while I do an investigation as to who this person is…”

    (I placed customer on hold and told my co-workers. We laughed our asses off for 10 minutes.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I was able to find some information for you. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to confirm who this ‘General Failure’ is; I am sure he doesn’t work for us. The other thing is that your hard drive is fried, and I would advise you to try to pull any data you can off the drive and invest in a new one. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…no thank you.”

    (Customer hangs up and we laugh our asses off some more.)

    Pyromaniac In Aisle 11

    , | Orange County, FL, USA |

    Customer: “What the f**k, you shortchanged me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I gave you the exact amount of change that is on the receipt.”

    Customer: “BULLS**T! YOU SHORTCHANGED ME YOU STUPID LITTLE F**K! I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I will go get a manager for you right away.”

    Customer: “F**K YOU, YOU LITTLE PIECE OH S**T! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. YOU WILL PAY!”

    (At this point the customer began to storm down the aisles. She lit a cigarette and began setting merchandise on fire. Afterwards she ran from the store because she realized that she had in fact had gotten the right amount of change!)

    This Job May Involve Occasional Groping

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (A VERY high customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “I NEED A WATCH!”

    Me: “Alright…did you have anything in mind?”

    Customer: “Not too expensive, with a leather band, and it has to match theeeessseee.” *points to his brown leather bracelets*

    Me: “Okay, what about something like this?” *holds up watch*

    Customer: “NO THIS ONE!”

    (He points to a VERY expensive watch with a black metal band that meets NONE of his above mentioned requirements.)

    Me: “Well, that watch is rather expensive…”

    Customer: “NOT TOO EXPENSIVE!”

    Me: “Okaaay…what about these?” *points to customizable watches*

    Customer: “I like those two! I like them because they’re round.” *one of the watch faces is, in fact, square*

    Me: “…”

    (Customer now attempts to answer his ringing phone, accidentally drops it, and while attempting to pick it up, falls onto my male boss. He groggily apologizes, then staggers out of the store to take the call, leaving behind his purchase from another store.)

    Boss: “Is that guy high?”

    Me: “As a kite.”

    Boss: “Oh, okay. Because he just groped me.”

    Me: *dies laughing*

    (Customer now returns, accompanied by a friend. Customer continues to be stupid, while friend tries to shoplift. After all this has gone on, customer and friend go to talk to Boss.)

    Them: “So are you guys hiring?”

    Boss: “Am I hiring druggies or shoplifters? NO.”

    What They Really Think

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid your SIM card has been destroyed due to entering your PUK code too many times. You will have to get a new one.”

    Customer: “Ok, thanks.”

    (Some moments pass and he hasn’t hung up. I put the phone on mute.)

    Customer: “Stupid b**ch!” *miscellaneous other insults*

    *mute off*

    Me: “Uh, sir, you might want to disconnect the line, I’m still here.”

    Customer: “OH F***!” *click*


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