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    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer runs in two minutes to closing time.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we’re closing soon.”

    Customer: “What do you mean, you’re closing? But I haven’t had time to get what I want!”

    Me: “We’re open again tomorrow, 9 til 9.”

    Customer: “You should stay open until 10. People need to do their shopping, you know.”

    Me: “Sir, people like you are the reason that people like me don’t have lives.”

    How Spiderwoman Goes Shopping

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

    Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

    Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

    Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “That’s impossible, this is the 3rd floor. ”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

    Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

    Natural Selection In Action, Part 3

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a historic fort and am dressed as soldier from the 1800s. I help tourists find their way around.)

    Tourist: ¬†”Oooh, is that a real gun?”

    Me: “Yes it is, it was made in 1865.”

    Tourist: “Oooh, does it still work?”

    Me: “Yes it does!”

    Tourist: “Can I get a picture of you pointing it at me?”

    Natural Selection In Action, Part 2
    Natural Selection In Action

    Welcome To Retail, Part 2

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (It’s my first day on the job. I just finished scanning all of a customer’s groceries and given her the total when she holds up a roll of paper towels. She hadn’t put them on the conveyor belt.)

    Customer: “Why didn’t you ring this up?”

    Me: “Oh. You didn’t put it down on the conveyor belt. I’ll add it to your–”

    Customer: “Why is it my fault? You should have rung it up the first time!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you didn’t–”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager. ”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Yeah, she didn’t ring this up.” *holds up paper towels*

    Manager: “Ma’am, did you put it on the conveyour belt?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “Then how could she ring it up?”

    Customer: “By sliding it across the beepy thingy, duh!”

    Manager: “How could she if you hadn’t put it down?”

    Customer: “… I don’t know. She just should have!”

    Manager: “Well, then why don’t I take that and we’ll ring that up for you right away.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “Why not, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to pay for them.”

    Manager: “Okay, ma’am. I can return them to the aisle for you.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “What?”

    Customer: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “I’m taking them.”

    Manager: “That’s theft, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Fine!” *slams paper towels on conveyor belt*

    (She eventually pays, but not before flipping us the bird. How nice for my first day.)

    Welcome To Retail

    Not Quite An Open And Shut Case

    | Kittery, ME, USA |

    (This caller was a real-life version of the one in How To Open a Book.)

    Caller: “Hi, I bought a DVD here earlier today, but I can’t get it out of the case. ”

    Me: “Alright, is it a new or pre-owned DVD?”

    (Our pre-owned DVDs are all locked with a piece of red plastic that has to be removed before they leave the store.)

    Caller: “I don’t know. It was like $7.”

    Me: “Well, we have both pre-owned and new movies at that price. Is the case wrapped in plastic?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “Alright, so you’ll need to take the plastic off of the case.”

    Caller: “That won’t break it?”

    Me: “If the case is wrapped in transparent plastic, you are going to need to remove all of that plastic first.”

    Caller: “How? I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Okay. You’ll need to remove the plastic wrap. If you have problems, get a pair of scissors or a knife and use that to cut open the plastic, and then take it off the case.”

    Caller: “Okay, but it still won’t open.”

    Me: “Are there any stickers covering the sides of the case?”

    Caller: “Yes. There’s one on the top. ”

    Me: “You’ll need to pull that off.”

    Caller: “The case still won’t open, though. I don’t want to break it.”

    Me: “Are there any other stickers on the case?”

    Caller: “No. Well, there’s one of the left side that looks like the one on the top.”

    Me: “Right. You’ll have to remove that. And any other stickers that look like it.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. But it’s still not opening.”

    Me: “Any other stickers or plastic wrap?”

    Caller: “No!”

    Me: “Okay… tell me, what does the case look like?”

    Caller: “Well, there’s the side of the case that says the name of the movie and then there’s a black side that looks like the top and bottom.”

    Me: “And what side are you trying to open? The black side?”

    Caller: “No! The side with the title! Why isn’t it opening?”

    Me: “Okay. I want you to put the case down on a table or something. Okay? Now. Put the case face up, like a book, with the front of the case facing you. Okay? Now. Go to the RIGHT side of the case, with the two black pieces of plastic–”

    Caller: “Not the left side?”

    Me: “No. NOT the left side. The RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “So not the side with the title?”

    Me: “No. The RIGHT side. Now. Pull the RIGHT side open.”

    Caller: “It isn’t working!”

    Me: “Are you opening the RIGHT side?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Try the RIGHT side.”

    Caller: “…Oh. Thanks. They shouldn’t make these so hard to open you know!” *click*

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