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    Benefits Are All About Sustaining Labor

    | UK | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, benefit section new claims.”

    Caller: “My wife wants to claim for a baby.”

    Me: “Your wife just had a child? How old is the child?”

    Caller: “2 years old.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, if the child is that old you cannot receive additional benefits.”

    Caller: “But we need money.”

    Me: “I understand but it’s too late now, she could have claimed 11 weeks before the child was born or up until it was a year old. There is nothing we can do now.”

    Caller: “So how does my wife get money for a baby?”

    Me: “Well, she needs to be pregnant.”

    Caller: “Okay! I will call you back.”

    Not The Only Hollow Thing In The Store

    | Culver City, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Do you have any record players?”

    Me: “We only have one model, but they’re all sold out right now.”

    (She leaves and comes back five minutes later.)

    Customer: “Ha! I found one! I knew you were lying to me!”

    (She carries the very large and heavy display version of the turntable from a few aisles over.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, I can’t sell you the display.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, for one thing, I can’t open the case around it. Second, the one in there is just hollowed-out plastic. It’s not a working player.”

    Customer: “So, can I get it at a discount?”

    A-Paul-ing Service

    | Carpinteria, CA, USA | Funny Names, Uncategorized

    (I am making drinks and I notice a small mocha for Paul. We have a regular customer named Paul who always orders a small mocha, but at that moment I couldn’t remember whether or not he liked it with whipped cream.)

    Me: *calling out* “Paul? Did you want whipped cream on your mocha?”

    Customer: *not a regular* “Yes, I wanted whipped cream.”

    (I realize that this might be a drink for a different customer also named Paul. I add the whipped cream and hand it off with a smile.)

    Me: “Here you go, a small mocha with whipped cream. Have a nice day, Paul.”

    Customer: “I ordered a large.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me remake that for you.”

    (I make a new drink, figuring that one of my co-workers might have grabbed the wrong size in the rush.)

    Me: “Here’s your large mocha with whipped cream. Sorry for the mix-up, Paul.”

    Customer: “I ordered a pumpkin spice latte.”

    (I start my third attempt at making a drink for this customer.)

    Customer: “…and my name isn’t Paul.”

    When Matter Doesn’t Matter

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have Gatorade?”

    Me: “No, but we do have Powerade.”

    Customer: “Does it have electrons in it?”

    Me: “No, do you mean electrolytes?”

    Customer: “No, electrons.”

    Me: “I hope so.”

    Emulation Alienation

    | Maryland, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

    (Note: It takes me ten minutes to determine the caller is actually on a Mac running a Windows emulation program.)

    Me: “Does your mouse have one big button?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, you are on a Mac? This game is not supported on a Mac. I can’t help you. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t. I am running Windows 98.”

    Me: “Look at the side of the computer. Is there a big apple logo on it?”

    Customer: “Of course there is. It’s an Apple computer.”

    Me: “Which means it’s MacOS. This game does not run on that OS.”

    Customer: “But I am in Windows mode.”

    Me: “Are you using SoftWindows to emulate a Windows 98 OS?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “We don’t support our titles on that.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing the drivers?”

    Me: “No, that wouldn’t work sir.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing other settings?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. Sir, if you want me to help get it working the system it was designed for I would be happy to do that but I can’t help with emulated Window OS’s on a Mac.”

    Customer: “What if I tried it on my games console?”

    Me: “The Windows version of this game won’t work on a…hang on. Take the disk out of the drive and tell me what color the bottom of it is.”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “This is the console version of the game. Did you try it on your console?”

    Customer: “Yes. I worked fine there.”

    Me: “So, why are you trying to run a console game on a Macintosh with an emulated version of Windows on it?”

    Customer: “I thought it would run faster?”

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