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    Geography, My Arch Nemesis, We Meet Again…

    , | San Jose, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** at Santana Row. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Your stores are having midnight releases for ‘World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King’, right?”

    Me: “Yes, certain locations are going to be open, but our store–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “It’s already midnight in the East coast – you can’t you sell them now?”

    Me: “Uhh… unfortunately not.”

    Customer: “BUT WHY?! IT’S MIDNIGHT IN THE EAST COAST!”

    Me: “Well, it’s not midnight here, so, NO, we can’t sell it.”

    Customer: “But people will be leveling up before me!! AGHHH! This is bulls***!”

    Me: “Either way, our location isn’t going to be open for the midnight release. The closest location that will be open for the midnight release is 45 minutes away.”

    Customer: “So if I go there, they should be selling them?!”

    Me: “Probably not. They’re still on Pacific Standard Time.”

    Customer: “What should I do then?! Everyone on the East coast will have a head start!”

    Me: “Maybe you should move to the East Coast.”

    Customer: “What time are you closing?”

    Me: “10:00 pm.”

    Customer: “I’m coming right now!”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    I Just Lost My Appetite…

    | Moscow, ID, USA |

    (A customer comes in with “artistic” nude pictures of herself and her husband, and throws them on the counter.)

    Customer: “What kind of frame should I put on these? They are going in the kitchen.”

    Me: “The kitchen, huh? Well, I can start you off with a few options.” *I show her a few frames*

    Customer: “…and how much would this be?”

    Me: “$350.00 each.”

    Customer: “For $350.00 I’d expect something a little more… phallic.”

    It’s Best To Not Get Involved

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    (I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

    (She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

    Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*

    Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

    | Moore, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

    Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

    Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

    Me: “Holes?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

    Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

    Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

    Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

    Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

    Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”

    Wictor Wictoria

    | Philippines |

    (I used to work for a call center that handled an American credit card account. My coworker relayed the following transaction to me.)

    Customer Service Rep: “Okay, I have your account here; could you verify your full name please?”

    Customer: *garbled name*

    CSR: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t quite catch that… could you spell it for me please?”

    Customer: “T…O…Wee…”

    CSR: “Sorry, was that P?”

    Customer: “No, Wee.”

    CSR: “E? As in Eagle?”

    Customer: “NO! Wee! Wee!”

    CSR: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand…”

    Customer: “Wee! As in Wictor! As in WICTORY!”

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