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    The Mother Of All Sicknesses

    | Mesa, AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need to get an appointment for my son right away!”

    Me: “Okay, has he seen the doctor before?”

    Customer: “No. He had an appointment but he missed it.”

    (I get the patient’s name and check him in the computer. He missed a consult appointment on 8/10 and didn’t call to cancel. He simply didn’t show up. It is now 9/27.)

    Me: “Okay, our next available appointment is October 22nd.”

    Customer: “That’s not soon enough! Don’t you have anything sooner?”

    Me: “That’s our next available routine appointment. If you want to have his primary care physician call and speak with our doctor, we may be able to move it up, but right now I can’t put him in our emergency slots.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “It’s our policy not to give out emergency slots to patients who have previously no-showed appointments.”

    Customer: “What if it’s an emergency?”

    Me: “Given that his original appointment that you missed was six weeks ago, I find that unlikely.”

    Customer: “He’s got hormones in his brain!”

    *long awkward silence*

    Me: “He’s a teenage boy, right?”

    Customer: “It’s an emergency!”

    Related:
    The Mother Of All Excuses

    More Importantly, Who’s Getting The Czech

    | Rome, GA, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    (I overhear this as I am getting dinner.)

    Girl 1: “Hey, if you wanna grab us a table, I’m going to go see what they’re serving today.”

    Girl 2: “Okay.”

    Girl 1: *comes back* “Hey, what is a Pollock?”

    Girl 2: “I’m pretty sure it’s a person of Polish decent. Why?”

    Girl 1: “Oh, I guess they’re frying them over there by the cabbage.”

    (The sign says ‘Fried Potluck’.)

    Questionable Questions

    | Santa Clara, CA, USA | California | Bizarre, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me what time the mall closes today?”

    Me: “Yeah, seven o’clock, so about five minutes ago.”

    Customer: “Okay. And do you know about how long it takes for everyone to evacuate the mall?”

    Me: “I–what? Why?”

    Customer: “Oh, no reason.”

    You And Me Could Write A Bipartisan Romance

    | Durham, NC, USA | Movies & TV, Politics, Top

    (I am the first person to arrive at work in the morning, and I answer a call as soon as I walk into the door.)

    Caller: “Finally! I have been calling since 5 am! You people should be ashamed. I have an emergency!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. No one gets here until 10 am most days. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I have a serious problem! My daughter has planned to have a date sometime today at your theater, and I told her she was not allowed to go! I need you to cancel her ticket!”

    (I see no pre-sales for the day at all.)

    Me: “No one has bought a ticket so far for today, so I can’t really help. Maybe you should just make her stay home?”

    Caller: “Well, I can’t do that. She lives in her own place and I can’t get over there in time to stop her.”

    Me: “Just how old is your daughter anyway?”

    Caller: “She’s 28.”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’s an adult and I cannot refuse her a ticket because you do not approve of her date.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand! He’s a Democrat!”

    A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts

    | Australia | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside/)

    Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

    (We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

    Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

    (We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

    Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

    Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

    Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

    (The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

    Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

    (The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

    Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

    Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

    Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–" *pushes index finger into my chest* "–threatened to break his legs!”

    Me: “I can tell you, now, Ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

    Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

    Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment and disturbing the peace.”

    (The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

    Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

    Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

    Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

    Me: “So do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

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