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  • Rectify The Situation

    | UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”

    Me: “Why do you need it?”

    Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

    Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

    (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)

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    Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!

    Age Is Only A Social Security Number

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Politics, Uncategorized

    (I am ringing up a middle-aged man.)

    Customer: “You go to school, son?”

    Me: “Yes sir, I’m a college student.”

    Customer: “Good good. Be sure to start paying into social security. I’m going to need it soon.”

    Benefits Are All About Sustaining Labor

    | UK | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, benefit section new claims.”

    Caller: “My wife wants to claim for a baby.”

    Me: “Your wife just had a child? How old is the child?”

    Caller: “2 years old.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, if the child is that old you cannot receive additional benefits.”

    Caller: “But we need money.”

    Me: “I understand but it’s too late now, she could have claimed 11 weeks before the child was born or up until it was a year old. There is nothing we can do now.”

    Caller: “So how does my wife get money for a baby?”

    Me: “Well, she needs to be pregnant.”

    Caller: “Okay! I will call you back.”

    Not The Only Hollow Thing In The Store

    | Culver City, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Do you have any record players?”

    Me: “We only have one model, but they’re all sold out right now.”

    (She leaves and comes back five minutes later.)

    Customer: “Ha! I found one! I knew you were lying to me!”

    (She carries the very large and heavy display version of the turntable from a few aisles over.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, I can’t sell you the display.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, for one thing, I can’t open the case around it. Second, the one in there is just hollowed-out plastic. It’s not a working player.”

    Customer: “So, can I get it at a discount?”

    A-Paul-ing Service

    | Carpinteria, CA, USA | Funny Names, Uncategorized

    (I am making drinks and I notice a small mocha for Paul. We have a regular customer named Paul who always orders a small mocha, but at that moment I couldn’t remember whether or not he liked it with whipped cream.)

    Me: *calling out* “Paul? Did you want whipped cream on your mocha?”

    Customer: *not a regular* “Yes, I wanted whipped cream.”

    (I realize that this might be a drink for a different customer also named Paul. I add the whipped cream and hand it off with a smile.)

    Me: “Here you go, a small mocha with whipped cream. Have a nice day, Paul.”

    Customer: “I ordered a large.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me remake that for you.”

    (I make a new drink, figuring that one of my co-workers might have grabbed the wrong size in the rush.)

    Me: “Here’s your large mocha with whipped cream. Sorry for the mix-up, Paul.”

    Customer: “I ordered a pumpkin spice latte.”

    (I start my third attempt at making a drink for this customer.)

    Customer: “…and my name isn’t Paul.”

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