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    Clearly Not The Better (Or Smarter) Half

    | Memphis, TN, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to rent Mr. Hoople Oople.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m not familiar with that one. Is it a comedy or drama? Our movies are alphabetical, so I’m sure I can help you locate it.”

    Customer: “It’s a music video.”

    (I take him over to the music and concert section. Nothing of that sort is found.)

    Me: “Hmm, is that the name of the band or the venue?”

    Customer: “No, it’s a movie. Mr. Hoople Ooople.”

    Me: “No, I’m not showing anything by that name. We have a book over here that we can look up movies by actor or actress.”

    Customer: “Richard Dreyfuss was in it.”

    (I find nothing.)

    Me: “Sir, maybe we don’t carry this film.”

    Customer: “You do, my wife called and you said you had it!”

    (I check with the other counter clerks. One of them looks confused but a light goes off in his head, and he goes and grabs a box off of the shelf.)

    Customer: “See? I told you! Mr. Hoople Ooople!”

    (The customer holds up a box which says “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” He checks out.)

    Co-Worker: “I’d have had no idea what he was talking about either, but his wife called an hour ago and asked about it…with the right name, of course.”

    You Drive Me Crazy

    | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer is trying to make a deposit through the drive-up part of the branch, but he’s on foot. Note that we also have a small lobby for walk-in customers.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, this is for cars only. Can you come inside so we can process your transaction?”

    Customer: “What difference does it make?”

    Me: “It’s against our policy for customers to be on foot at the drive-up window.”

    (The customer walks backward, puts his hands as if he was steering a car and walks up to the window again.)

    Customer: “VROOM, VROOM! I’m in a car now. Will you help me?”

    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher department, please?”

    Me: “The butcher department?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I decided I don’t want the big turkey any more.”

    Me: “Uh, ma’am, this is the city morgue.”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item
    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Posthumous Post-modernism

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    Customer: “Can you help me find a book?”

    Me: “Sure! What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “It’s called The Scarlet Thread.”

    Me: “I haven’t heard of that one. Let me look it up really quick.”

    Customer: “It’s by Jane Austen if that helps.”

    Me: “Um, I don’t think it is.”

    Customer: “No, it’s by Jane Austen.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m pretty sure Jane Austen never wrote a book called The Scarlet Thread.”

    Customer: “Oh, well you probably haven’t heard of it because I think it’s one of her new books.”

    Turn That Crown Upside Down

    | Bellingham, WA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Do you have a Crown Club Card?”

    Customer: “Crown Club? More like Clown Club! What a worthless program!”

    Me: “Actually, if you had a Club Card today, you would get a
    coupon for a small popcorn for $1.”

    Customer: “Where do I sign up?”

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