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    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

    | Carbondale, IL, USA |

    Me: “Animal hospital, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

    Me: “… what, sir?”

    Caller: “Prostitute dogs, do you have them there?”

    Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

    Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

    Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

    Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

    Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

    Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

    Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “That’s bull***t. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

    It’s Your Fault That It’s My Fault

    , | Braintree, MA, USA |

    (This customer shows up at the store to pick up two rugs she had supposedly ordered, but I am unable to find them.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I am having some trouble finding your rugs in the store. Did somebody give you a claim check or receipt when you bought the rugs?”

    Customer: “No I ordered them over the phone.”

    Manager: “Okay ma’am, we are going to need some proof of your purchase because we can’t find the rugs you ordered.”

    Customer: “WHAT? I don’t have time for this!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, do you remember what day you ordered the rugs or who you spoke to?”

    Customer: “Oh, it was sometime last week. I don’t remember who I spoke to. Can’t you just get my rugs for me?”

    Manager: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have any records of you ever ordering rugs from us. If you could wait just a moment I could check the system again and see if anything comes up.”

    Customer: “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”

    Manager: “Okay, we’re going to go upstairs and check our records a final time.”

    Customer: *keeps yelling as we walk away*

    (As we search for her rugs, she leaves the store. A little while later, she calls the store back.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! I called earlier about some rugs I ordered. I actually ordered them from another store. I’m surprised that you didn’t know that!”

    1-800-DUHHHHH

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    Me: “Operator…”

    Customer: “I need to call long distance to New York.”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, you need to hang up and dial ’00′ for the long distance operator.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a ’00′ button on my phone. I only have a ’0′!”

    Like Father, Like Son

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA |

    (A guy walks up to the register carrying his two or three year old son and places him on the counter.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us?”

    Guy: “No, and I don’t want one either. No!”

    (The little boy grabs the stylus from the PIN pad and starts trying to draw.)

    Little boy: “No! No! No! No!”

    Me: *jokingly* “See, look what you taught him.”

    (The guy tries to take the stylus from his son.)

    Guy: “Give me the d*** pen!”

    Little boy: “Give me the d*** pen! Give me the d*** pen!”

    How Many Ways Can You Say Woof

    | Palm Beach, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yeah, can I help you?”

    Customer: “My son is in the hospital because of a car accident, and I want to get him a sympathy card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; the sympathy cards are right over here.”

    (The customer goes through the cards for a few minutes, and then comes back to find me at the counter.)

    Customer: “I found a card for him from me, but I also need one from his dog.”

    Me: “His… dog?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to send him a card from his dog to show him that he cares.”

    Me: “I don’t think we carry sympathy cards from pets. But, we do have blank cards with pictures of dogs on them that you can use.”

    Customer: “No! It has to be a SYMPATHY CARD!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we just don’t sell that card.”

    Customer: “Yes you do! I saw one like it just a few weeks ago! I want to see your manager!”

    Manager: “Is there a problem ma’am?”

    Customer: “YES! I need a sympathy card for my son from his dog!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t carry that type of card.”

    Customer: “Yes you do! I saw it here a few weeks ago!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but we’ve never sold that type of card here before. You could fill out a blank card if you like? They’re pretty cheap, and some have pictures of dogs on them.”

    Customer: “Uggghhh!” *throws hand up in the air*

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