October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Can’t Vouch(er) For His Intelligence

| Miami, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Cheeseburger and a small coke.”

Me: “Alright, your total is $2.99.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your total is $2.99, sir.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. It’s free!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I won some of your scratch off things and got a free cheeseburger and small coke!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, you should have said that sooner. Well, give me the coupons then.”

Customer: “I had to bring them?”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3

| Brisbane, Queensland, Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, what’s the time in the UK now?”

Me: “Its 9pm. They’re ten hours behind.”

Customer: “Oh, so if I call the UK in another half hour, what time will it be?”

Me: “It’ll be 9:30pm.”

Customer: “You mean if half an hour passes here, it will also be half an hour later there?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *surprised* “Oh! So that’s how it works?”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

Replacing One Clause With Another

| Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m talking to a caller about warranty issues for their kitchen appliance.)

Me: “Unfortunately sir, that serial number tells me that your appliance is out of warranty. Do you happen to have a sales receipt or other proof of purchase showing it was purchased during the warranty period?”

Caller: “No, it was a gift. I just got it for Christmas.”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that sir. Is there any way you would be able to get the receipt from the person who got it for you? Or even a bank or credit card statement showing the date of purchase?”

Caller: “But it was a gift!”

Me: “I understand, sir, but without a proof of purchase, there’s nothing I can do under warranty. Are you positive you can’t check with the gift-giver and see if you can get something showing the date of purchase?”

Caller: “It was from Santa!”

Product May Require A Certain Level Of Manurity

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

(A customer lifts bag of steer manure onto the counter.)

Customer: “I’ve got a question. What makes steer manure different from mushroom manure?”

Me: “Well, steer manure is made from the droppings of–”

Customer: “Wait. You said droppings? As in waste?”

Me: “Yes. Manure is made from decomposed waste.”

Customer: “So…What exactly is a steer?”

Me: “It’s just another name for a cow.”

Customer: “So steer manure is…oh, God. Oh, God!” *leaves without buying the manure*

Some Computer Owners Just Can’t Hack It

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Top

(A customer walks up to the counter and sets a plastic shopping bag down.)

Customer: “You have to help me!”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to assist you, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Customer: “I’m being hacked! You have to get them to stop using my computer!”

Me: “Do you have your computer with you so that I can see what’s going on?”

(She just turns the bag upside down. Parts of a laptop spill everywhere motherboard, LCD panel, hinges, keyboard, palm rest, etc.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? Why did you dismantle your computer?”

Customer: “That’s the only way to get them to stop! When computers are powered down, they aren’t really off! Those people in India are hacking into them while you have them off and are using it
to teach their kids how to speak English! That’s why jobs are outsourced!”

Me: “I really don’t think I can help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, put back together my computer! I have a warranty with you people. I’ll get the FBI or police to help me with the hackers.”

Me: “Our warranty does not cover you taking apart your computer.”

Customer: “Oh my God! You’re one of the people helping those hackers, aren’t you?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Aren’t you?!”

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