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    Better Safe Than Smart

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “It’s a neoprene laptop case.”

    Customer: “For what?”

    Me: “It’s just a more snug case for your laptop.”

    Customer: “For what?”

    Me: “It’s just to protect your laptop if it’s put in a bag or briefcase.”

    Customer: “You mean, to protect all of my other stuff?”

    Me: “Well yes, to protect all your other stuff from damaging your laptop.”

    Customer: “No. Will this case protect my computer from damaging all my stuff?”

    Me: “It is padded…”

    Customer: “Good, because it’s cheaper than the anti-virus software.”

    Me: *gives up* “…it will definitely protect the things in your
    backpack from getting viruses.”

    Victoria’s Secret Is Out

    | Texas, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.” *pulls out a bra from a bag*

    Me: “Ok, is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: Well yeah, duh. I wouldn’t be returning it if it was fine, would I?!”

    Me: “Ok – what is the reason you are returning it?”

    Customer: “It squeaks…”

    Me: “The bra…? The bra squeaks?”

    Customer: “Yes, it makes noises.”

    Me: “The bra makes noises?”

    (By this time everyone standing in line starts laughing at her and making comments.)

    Customer: “Shut up! Don’t you dare laugh at me – inferior creatures!”

    (People in line now really start to laugh.)

    Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m really sorry the bra makes noises, but I cannot return this, you’ve worn it. You can’t return an–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “LORD! Give me patience! Or I will strangle this creature of yours! Now, Mr. A**hole, you are going to give me my money back for this thing. I cannot be walking around with a talking bra on me – people will think I’m nuts!”

    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |

    Supervisor: “Well, it says here that you have five books that are overdue. Would you like to renew them?”

    Patron: “What do you mean, overdue?”

    (The supervisor shows the patron the overdue titles on the monitor.)

    Patron: “We returned those books! I can’t believe this kind of stuff happens! What kind of library is this anyway?”

    Patron’s young child: “But Papa, I saw one of the books at home, remember? In the–”

    Patron: “Shut UP!”

    (Ironically, one of the books he claimed to have returned was, “Teaching Your Child Good Manners.”)

    Patience (Not) Be Thy Name

    | Ohio, USA |

    (Note: this call takes place at 2:15 pm.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling blank blanker cable. How may I help you today?

    Caller: “I was supposed to have a tech out here between 2pm and 4pm! Where the h*** is he?

    Me: “Sir, the tech is scheduled for anytime between the hours of 2 and 4, so he is not late. He is on his way.”

    Caller: “I want a credit for the install fee. I shouldn’t have to pay an install fee if the tech is late.”

    Me: “Sir, he is not late. He has until 4pm to get there.”

    Caller: “I want to speak to a supervisor now!”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, but a supervisor will tell you the same thing…”

    Caller: “I don’t wanna talk to you! You don’t know what you are doing! give me a supervisor, now!”

    Me: “no, I will not do that.”

    Caller: “You have to! It’s the law!”

    Me: “No, it isn’t; it isn’t even company policy. You can wait for the tech, or you can cancel the appointment. Which would you like to do?”

    Caller: “Oh… the tech is here.” *click*

    I Think I Struck Me Some Gold, Pa

    | New Berlin, Wisconsin, USA |

    (It was our restaurant’s policy to keep the front door unlocked after closing if there were still customers seated in the dining room. ¬†Unfortunately, this meant people were free to wander in, even though we couldn’t serve them. One night, a teenage couple came in after we were closed.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “I can’t perform any more transactions; I don’t have a cash register anymore.”

    Customer: “So, what, everything’s free?”

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