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    A New Form Of Payment

    | Fort Lauderdale, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’ll make you a deal.”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    Customer: “You give me these glasses, and I’ll let you take a picture of me wearing them, and hang it up in your store.”

    Me: “Um…what?”

    Customer:“Yeah, like all these pictures you have of people hanging up.”

    Me: “Those are professional models.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a model.”

    Me: “…”

    My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

    Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

    Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

    Me: “Er…ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

    As Long As You’re Happy

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Customer: “If I buy a popcorn, can I get a drink for $2?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry; everything is full price.”

    Customer: “My man that I’m dating is such a cheapskate! He only gave me $5! He’s such an a**hole! *pause* “You need to find a rich one.”

    Me: “Ha ha, yeah.”

    Customer: *leans across the counter and lowers her voice* “A rich one…who’s good in bed.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: *as an afterthought* “I guess he should have a good heart, too.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    That’s Commitment

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling your local 24-hour pharmacy, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, what time do you close?”

    Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re open 24 hours.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous. How can you put up with that?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “So if I show up at 4 in the morning with a prescription, you’d be there?”

    Me: “Yes sir, we’d be open.”

    Customer: “And what time do you open?”

    Me: “Sir…we never close, we are always open. Think of it like a 24-hour diner; there’s always someone here to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh man, that must stink – when do you get time to go home and sleep?!”

    Me: “Er…we have cots in the back.”

    Airtight Conclusions For Windbags

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A customer comes in attempting to return a worn, filthy $39 dress that’s covered with hair.)

    Me: “Our company’s policy states that we cannot return worn merchandise. I’m sorry, but we can’t give you your refund.”

    Customer: “I never wore this. I want my money back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dress is stained with your makeup, and has your hair on it. I refuse to take this item back.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your store manager.”

    Me: “I am the store manager.”

    Customer: *takes a few steps back* “Look at me. I’m dressed head to toe in your clothing. I make more money in a year than you will in a lifetime.”

    Me: “That may be so, but I’m still not taking your dress back. It seems that the price shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t know who I am. You’ll be lucky to have a job in the morning!”

    Me: “If you earn as much as you say, wouldn’t my year of unemployment cost more out of your income taxes than the price of the dress?”

    Customer: *storms off*

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