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    Stupidity Killed The Radio Star

    | Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Musical Mayhem

    (I work at a radio station. This caller is live on the air.)

    Me: “Hello! What would you like to hear?”

    Teenage Girl:Fireflies!”

    Me: “By Owl City?”

    Teenage Girl: “Woah! I hear my voice!”

    Me: “Yeah, you’re on the air.”

    Teenage Girl: “Molly! If you can hear this I’m so totally sorry about kissing your brother!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Teenage Girl: “Are you going to play I Like Big Butts or not?”

    Lack Of Heir Conditioning

    | South Carolina, USASouth Carolina, USA | Family & Kids

    Tenant: “The heat in my home hasn’t worked all winter! Do you know how much my children have suffered?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can’t fix the problem if we don’t know about it. Why didn’t you call earlier?”

    Tenant: “I’ve already had my uncle look at the heater. It’s not fixable, and you owe me $60 for having him confirm that.”

    Me: “By law, we have to supply you with heat. We would have replaced your heater and given you wood to burn while doing so.”

    Tenant: “That’s okay. I’m burning the fence.”

    Me: “The privacy fence?”

    Tenant: “Yes! My babies need to be warm.”

    Me: “That’s treated wood.”

    Tenant: “My babies need to be warm!”

    What Wheels Around, Comes Around

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Crazy Requests

    (I am a paralegal at a small law office; it’s 5:01 pm. I answer one last call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

    Caller: “What time are you open until?”

    Me: “We close at 5:00 pm.”

    Caller: “Oh, so you can’t help me today?”

    Me: “Well, all the lawyers are gone for the day, but maybe I can help you. What did you need?”

    Caller: “I need a motorized wheelchair. Can you bring a few over so I can see them? See, I’m in a wheelchair and disabled so it’s hard for me to get around.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a lawyers office.”

    Caller: “Lawyers, what lawyers? I don’t need no lawyers to get a wheelchair!”

    Me: “No, it’s a law office, perhaps you misdialed.”

    Caller: “Listen, I don’t think you understand. I need a motorized wheelchair. My worker has been saying that he’d make the arrangements for me but he’s said that for months.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is a lawyers office. I simply cannot bring wheelchairs to your home.”

    Caller: “So you won’t bring me a wheelchair? I’m disabled and I can’t get out of the house. This is discrimination and I know my rights! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    It’s Going To Be One Of Those Days

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wanting to buy one of those thingies that records stuff on a tape.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. What exactly were you looking to use this for?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to record myself singing and send it to my grandkids.”

    Me: “Well, it sounds like you’d need a voice recorder for that.”

    Customer: “Oh, then I just send them the tape?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, our company discontinued tapes. Almost everything gets recorded onto digital data, like memory cards and such.”

    Customer: “What’s a memory card?”

    (I provide a lengthy explanation of memory card.)

    Customer: “So, then I just mail them the memory card instead of the tape?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You could simply e-mail them the file of the audio clip.”

    Customer: “What’s e-mail?”

    Customer Service With Zeal

    | USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Oh, I just love your accent! Are you British?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m a New Zealander.”

    Customer: “Are you Aussie?”

    Me: “No, I’m a New Zealander.”

    Customer: “Is that part of Australia?”

    Me: “No. We are part of the commonwealth, though.”

    Customer: “New Ziland?”

    Me: “New Zealand.”

    Customer: “True New Zealanders say New Ziland.”

    Me: “I am from New Zealand.”

    Customer: “Prove it!”

    Me: “Would you like some ice-cream from the chilly bin to enjoy at your bach with the whanau? It’s a tropical five degrees outside, miss.”

    Customer: “That wasn’t kiwi, that was gibberish!”

    Me: “Actually, most kiwis would understand that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No way! Prove you’re a New Zealander!”

    Me: *out of desperation* “Sweet! I’m beached as, bro!”

    Customer: “I believe you now!”

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