November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

| Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Uncategorized

(I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

Hiss-terical Contest

| London, UK | Pets & Animals, Top

(It is closing time. I come across a man in the reptile section staring intently at one of our pythons.)

Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the store will be closing in about–”

(The customer silences me and continues to watch the snake.)

Me: “Sir, did you–”

Customer: “I heard you. I’ll be out in a minute. This brat mcan’t last much longer.”

(The snake moves to the side, and so does the customer. It slithers back to its original position and he  suite. I notice his eyes are quivering all this time and he hasn’t blinked once.)

Me: “Sir, forgive my asking but are you trying to have a staring contest with Archie there?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You do know snakes can’t blink, right?”

Customer: “Oh, now you tell me? I’ve been challenging this brat for the last ten minutes!”

Must Be That Time Of The Month

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Funny Names, Uncategorized

(A customer calls in to order tickets.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [theater], how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to order tickets to see your show!”

Me: “Alright then, and which show were you looking for?”

Caller: “You mean there’s more than one?!”

Me: “That’s right, we have 6 shows in our season, and 12 from people who rent our space.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t like that many choices!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. Maybe we can narrow it down. Would you like to see one of our current shows or something within the month?”

Caller: “What Month is this?!”

Me: “It’s January.”

Caller: “No, I don’t like January! What else is there?”

Me: *pause* “February?”

Caller: “Hmm. February. FEB-ruary. F-F-F-Feb. No, I don’t like that either!”

Translation Is No Small Feat

| Alabama, USA | Language & Words, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [supermarket]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, can I speak to someone in the ladies wear department?”

Me: “That’d be me. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought some scrubs at another store and I was wondering what the ‘S/CH’ on the tag means?”

Me: “It means it’s a small.”

Customer: “But what does the ‘CH’ mean?”

Me: “It’s the Spanish abbreviation for small.”

Customer: “But ‘CH’; isn’t that American?”

Me: “The letters C and H are used in a lot of different languages, including Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, how strange!”

Should Have Gone For (M)Academia

| California, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Customer: “What’s in the White Chocolate Macadamia cookie?”

Me: “White chocolate and macadamias.”

Customer: “Oh, duh,. That was a stupid question.”

Me: “It’s okay, people ask me all the time what kind of nuts are in the ‘Chocolate Almond Joy’.”

Customer: “Oh yeah, ha ha! Walnuts!”