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    Conspiracy Weary

    | Peterborough, NH, USA |

    (When special order books come in we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order – some book about 9/11.)

    Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

    Me: “Um…Ok, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

    Customer: “Thanks.”

    Me: “…would you like a bag, sir?”

    Customer: *starts laughing* “No thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”

    You’ve Got An Honest Signature

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

    Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

    Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

    Me: “Ha – Ok…”

    Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

    Me: “That’s…good?”

    (By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

    Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

    Me: “Um…that’s too bad.”

    Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

    Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

    Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the F*** out of my basement!”

    Me: “…”

    Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    I Always Travel By Rocket

    | Flagstaff, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

    Me: “233 miles.”

    Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

    Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

    Just A Little Closer…

    , | Oregon, USA |

    (A customer purchased a copy of a popular anti virus program. About 2 hours later I received a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a **** anti virus program from your store, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “What about it isn’t working? Did you install the program?”

    Customer: “It’s not interfacing with my system.”

    Me: “Not…interfacing? I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.”

    Customer: “I set the box next to my computer, and it’s not doing anything at all. Nothing is happening on my computer! This program is defective.”

    Me: “Um…well, you have to open the box and insert the CD into your computer, then install the program before it will run.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! How do I do that?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer Of The Week: Wince Of Thieves

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: Wince Of Thieves
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

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