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    Customer’s A Real Dodo

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Math & Science, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell any extinct fish?”

    (I pause to see if she is messing with me, but she is serious.)

    Me: “No, sorry. They are really hard to come by.”

    Meaty Political Issues

    , | Michigan, USA | Food & Drink, Politics, Uncategorized

    (One of the meats we offer is a barbecued shredded beef, which we refer to as Barbacoa.)

    Customer: “I’ll take a burrito with Barack Obama.”

    Me: “One burrito with barbacoa coming up.”

    Customer: “What’d you call it?”

    Me: “Barbacoa.”

    Customer: “Oh, thank God. I’m a Republican.”

    Very Old Lang Syne

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (I work in a museum in Scotland, where I do activity sessions for young children. I am showing them some artifacts that were originally brought to Scotland by the Romans.)

    Me: “These were brought to Scotland around 2000 years ago by an invading army. Who do you think this could’ve been?”

    Child: “Hitler!”

    Me: “Well, it was a bit early for Hitler.”

    Child: “Robert Burns!”

    Actually, There’s Probably An App For That, Part 2

    | Portland, OR, USA | Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (An older gentleman is shopping for his first cell phone.)

    Customer: “I need a phone that rings loud. My hearing isn’t so good.”

    Me: “Well, this phone has vibrate mode so you can feel it ring.”

    Customer: “Vibrate? You mean like a vibrator?”

    Me: “Well, I suppose so, yes. But the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Related:
    Actually, There’s Probably An App For That

    Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

    | Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    (My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We were using a courtroom that no one was using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

    Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

    Us: “Uh…”

    Woman: “You! You there!”

    Me: “Who, me?”

    Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

    Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

    Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

    Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but…it’s…not.”

    Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

    Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”

    *pause*

    Woman: “But…but you’re wearing a suit!”

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