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    What Wheels Around, Comes Around

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Crazy Requests

    (I am a paralegal at a small law office; it’s 5:01 pm. I answer one last call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

    Caller: “What time are you open until?”

    Me: “We close at 5:00 pm.”

    Caller: “Oh, so you can’t help me today?”

    Me: “Well, all the lawyers are gone for the day, but maybe I can help you. What did you need?”

    Caller: “I need a motorized wheelchair. Can you bring a few over so I can see them? See, I’m in a wheelchair and disabled so it’s hard for me to get around.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a lawyers office.”

    Caller: “Lawyers, what lawyers? I don’t need no lawyers to get a wheelchair!”

    Me: “No, it’s a law office, perhaps you misdialed.”

    Caller: “Listen, I don’t think you understand. I need a motorized wheelchair. My worker has been saying that he’d make the arrangements for me but he’s said that for months.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is a lawyers office. I simply cannot bring wheelchairs to your home.”

    Caller: “So you won’t bring me a wheelchair? I’m disabled and I can’t get out of the house. This is discrimination and I know my rights! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    It’s Going To Be One Of Those Days

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wanting to buy one of those thingies that records stuff on a tape.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. What exactly were you looking to use this for?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to record myself singing and send it to my grandkids.”

    Me: “Well, it sounds like you’d need a voice recorder for that.”

    Customer: “Oh, then I just send them the tape?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, our company discontinued tapes. Almost everything gets recorded onto digital data, like memory cards and such.”

    Customer: “What’s a memory card?”

    (I provide a lengthy explanation of memory card.)

    Customer: “So, then I just mail them the memory card instead of the tape?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You could simply e-mail them the file of the audio clip.”

    Customer: “What’s e-mail?”

    Customer Service With Zeal

    | USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Oh, I just love your accent! Are you British?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m a New Zealander.”

    Customer: “Are you Aussie?”

    Me: “No, I’m a New Zealander.”

    Customer: “Is that part of Australia?”

    Me: “No. We are part of the commonwealth, though.”

    Customer: “New Ziland?”

    Me: “New Zealand.”

    Customer: “True New Zealanders say New Ziland.”

    Me: “I am from New Zealand.”

    Customer: “Prove it!”

    Me: “Would you like some ice-cream from the chilly bin to enjoy at your bach with the whanau? It’s a tropical five degrees outside, miss.”

    Customer: “That wasn’t kiwi, that was gibberish!”

    Me: “Actually, most kiwis would understand that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “No way! Prove you’re a New Zealander!”

    Me: *out of desperation* “Sweet! I’m beached as, bro!”

    Customer: “I believe you now!”

    Prices Are Frozen

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (Two young children under the age of 10 walk into the shop without an adult.)

    Boy: “Is the ice cream free?”

    Me: “No.”

    Boy: “How much is it?”

    Me: “The cheapest one is a little over a dollar.”

    (Both the children go into the restroom for a while before coming out again.)

    Boy: “How much is the ice cream now?”

    Feline Felony

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

    (I am finishing my break and heading back to the checkout, a woman frantically calls me over and asks me if she’s allowed to take a free cat food sample, and I tell her yes. About 10 minutes later she comes through my lane, with 50 or more cat food samples stuffed down her top, cradled in her arms, and in her handbag.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, the free samples are one per customer.”

    Customer: “I was just picking some up for my friends.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your friends will have to come and pick up their own sample.”

    (She sighs and throws all the samples that she was holding in her arms onto my checkout.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you also have a lot more of our samples down your top and in your bag. You can’t have those ones, either.”

    Customer: “How dare you! I will have you know that I am currently eight months pregnant!”

    Me: “I told you that you could have a free sample ten minutes ago, and you weren’t pregnant then.”

    Customer: “Oh, s***!”

    (She empties all the samples from down her top onto the floor and sprints from the store, trailing escaped samples from her handbag as she goes.)

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