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    Gestapo, Taco, Same Difference

    | UK |

    (I work in a retail store that sells kind of quirky and alternative items. As it is nearing Christmas, I was doing the gift-wrapping while a co-worker was ringing up items.)

    Lady: *hands a mug*

    Me: *begins giftwrapping the mug* “Nothing to it. Just
    like wrapping a tortilla!

    Lady: “What would you know about tortillas? You’re blonde!”

    Me: “Well, my mother loves–”

    Lady: “Shut up! You blondes think you’re so much better than everyone else! You’re not! You need everyone else to do all the work for you! You’re all useless, and you’ll never be the master race!”

    Me: “Erm…”

    Lady: *pays and storms out*

    Frequent Diers Club

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi there.”

    Customer: *smiles* “I got out o’ rehab yesterday. I was in fer 16 weeks! I was in fer the drink.”

    Me: “Oh, right…”

    Customer: “I went fer a drink to celebrate last night, just 1 or 2 ya know. I got carried away and woke up in a hospital the’ mornin, tubes in ma nose and s***. They brought me back 9 times.”

    Me: “9 times… they resuscitated you?!”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve died a few times now. Been hit by 12 cars, been through 4 windscreens… in all been brought back over 30 times a think.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What’s that thing with lotsa lives?”

    Me: “A cat?”

    Customer: No, more than a cat… oh wait, yeah! They call me the cat! But I have more than a cat… they call me Supercat!”

    Me: “Don’t you think you should cut back on the drinking?”

    Customer: “Och, I just gotta stick to ma limits and no drink 3 litres. 1 litre is ma limit!”

    His Bigness Is None Of Your Business

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is ***, *** speaking, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Ah, hello. ¬†I was just wondering… you see, I run an adult dance club outside of town.You know, with male strippers and such.”

    Me: “… uh huh.”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, we order our clothing through a store usually, on the internet. ¬†But I have a new man and we need some clothes for him and he’s… large.”

    Me: “… uh… huh?”

    Customer: “Well he… he’s very large.”

    Me: “Um, well… what.. was your question?”

    Customer: “Oh. ¬†Well,¬†I was wondering what kind of fabric you might recommend for a someone in our business.”

    Me: “Oh. ¬†Well, I would think something black. ¬†We have some see-through stuff. ¬†I might suggest a shimmer see through fabric. ¬†We have some of those…”

    Customer: “Oh good, good. Well, how much fabric do you think we’d need?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on his size.¬†If you take some measurements, I can–”

    Customer: “Well, the thing is… it’s his… his business. ¬†Can I tell you about his business…?”

    Me: “Go ahead…”

    Customer: ¬†”He is 12 inches long and three inches wide. ¬†Three inches! Have you ever heard of such a thing!”

    Me: “No, can’t say I have…”

    Customer: ¬†”Three inches wide! ¬†I didn’t even know they made them that wide. ¬†Do you know anyone like that? ¬†That long and that wide?”

    Me: “Uh… well, my friend is… I’ve never seen him… but his girlfriend tells me he’s… exceptionally… long.”

    Customer: “Oh? ¬†Your friend?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “But you’ve never seen it?”

    Me: *inwardly wanting to die* “No.”

    Customer: “Would he be interested in exotic male dancing?”

    Me: “Let’s focus on the fabrics. So you want to know how much you’ll need.¬†Now, I can’t see you needing more than two yards in total. ¬†Probably less.”

    Customer: “And that will cover his business…?”

    Me: “That… will cover… his business.”

    Customer: ¬†”Because he’s big. Now your friend, how did you say you knew he was so big?”

    Me: “Okay… you know what? ¬†I’m terribly sorry but my job isn’t to recruit my friends for an exotic dance club. ¬†Why don’t you measure your man, bring me the measurements and I will show you how much you need.”

    Customer: “Now, is he a black man?”

    Me: “Thanks for your call… goodbye.” ¬†*click*

    I Think We’ve Found The Problem

    , | Concord, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

    Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

    Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

    Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

    Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

    (After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

    Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

    Me: “I was just joking!”

    Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

    Sustenance In The Wilderness

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (Our store is near the university campus, right next to the dorms. I received an odd call one day.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my daughter lives in the dorms right next to you, and I was wondering what your store is.”

    Me: “It’s a gas station, and inside there’s a convenience store with soda, snacks, stuff like that.”

    Caller: “Is it a grocery store?”

    Me: “No…it’s a gas station and convenience store. We have chips, candy, etc. We have a fountain with soda, and also coffee.”

    Caller: “So it’s a grocery store?”

    Me: “No…we don’t have grocery products. We have a SMALL supply of cheap toilet paper, milk, and tampons. I doubt your daughter would come here for anything except the ATM and coffee, or gas if she drives.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to make sure my daughter will be okay. What kind of store is it?”

    Me: *starting to get annoyed* “It’s a gas station. There are pumps in the front to get gas at. We also have snacks. It’s a convenience store and a gas station.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand. She’s away at college and I don’t know
    if she’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’ll be fine. Have a nice day, good bye.” *hanging up*

    (A few minutes later, a skinny blond girl enters the store.)

    Girl: *talking on her cell phone* “Yeah, Mom, they have coffee, soda, gum, chips, and an ATM…it’s a convenience store, Mom. Yes, they sell gas – there are pumps outside!”

    Me: *headdesk*

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