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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Wireless, Clueless and Hopeless

    | Limburg, Belgium |

    (A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

    Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

    Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

    Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

    Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

    Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

    Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

    Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

    Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

    Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

    Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

    Octomom, The Early Years

    | St. Thomas, ON, Canada |

    (A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

    Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

    Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

    Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

    (I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

    Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Nerve

    | Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good morning, **** speaking.”

    Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another 20 minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “… um, OK. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

    Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

    Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

    Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “Uh, why?”

    Customer: *angry* “I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK YOU WERE OPEN BY ANSWERING YOUR F***ING PHONE!”

    Me: “So…you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”

    Customer: “OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!”

    Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*

    America’s Next Top Model Customer

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (The cashier I was bagging for is a very pretty blonde girl who likes to make herself up, while I’m a fairly plain and simple girl.)

    Customer: *to cashier* “Oh, my, you’re beautiful! You’ll have it made; you’ll have everything you’ll ever wanted. You’ll do well in life.”

    (The customer then looks at me and pauses.)

    Customer: “…you? You’ll do all right…”

    Me: “…”

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