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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Meet Satan Clause, Santa’s Maladjusted Brother

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walked in about 30 minutes before we closed on Christmas Eve. We were closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night was buying last minute gifts.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

    Customer: “A converter Box.”

    Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

    Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

    Me: “If you go to DTV.gov, you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail in rebate scam. Nevermind…”

    Me: “Ok, shall I ring this up for you?”

    Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry, what’s the rush?”

    Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in 15 minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

    Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

    Me: “Christmas Eve.”

    Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Manager: *facepalm

    Another customer: *bursts out laughing*

    Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

    Cultural Diversity Is A-Dora-ble

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A customer wearing very affluent clothing walks over holding a “Dora the Explorer” plush doll.)

    Customer: “Hello, can you help me?”

    Me: “Certainly, what I can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking one of these, but in white.”

    Me: “Oh, you mean like this?” *shows the customer a similar plush toy but wearing a white dress*

    Customer: “NO! NO! One that is WHITE!”

    Me: *puzzled* “I’m sorry, but this is the only other one we have in stock…did you see it on our website? Was it another style of clothing?”

    Customer: “NO! WHITE, LIKE ME!” *points at her face*

    Me: “You mean…a Caucasian Dora?”

    Customer: “YES! Where do you have them?”

    Me: “Ma’am, Dora was designed to help people from different backgrounds come to understand their common ground; Dora therefore doesn’t come in a different skin tone. She is what she is.”

    Customer: “WHAT? That is RIDICULOUS! Give me a WHITE DORA!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but they simply don’t exist…”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll take my business elsewhere!” *storms out*

    How To Tell You’ve Lowered Your Standards

    | Deming, NM, USA |

    (I was finishing checking out an elderly man’s purchases when this exchange happened.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “When you’re 85 years old and you wake up with a pulse, and your next door neighbor isn’t hitting you over the head with a shovel, you’re having a good day.”

    Me: “…”

    The Bigger The Lie, The Higher They Fly

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (The captain of our aircraft had stepped off to get some paperwork as customers were boarding. One passenger looked up front and turned to our flight attendant.)

    Passenger: “Why is there only one pilot up there?”

    Flight attendant: “She is the first officer. The Captain will be back in a bit.”

    Passenger: “Can they fly the plane with only one pilot?”

    Flight attendant: “The other pilot will be back in a moment. He is taking care of some paperwork.”

    Passenger: “Why are there two seats if there is only one pilot?”

    Flight attendant: *gives up* “Well, sir… actually, she is just setting up the airplane and telling it where to go. In a few moments, she’ll push the start button and leave. The plane will fly us all the way there with no pilot at all.”

    Passenger: “Oh! That’s neat!” sits down, apparently satisfied*

    Someone Needs To Get Ctrl-Alt-Deleted

    , | Newark, DE, USA |

    (A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

    Caller: “Copy and paste?”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

    Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f***ing paste!”

    Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

    Caller: *hangs up phone*

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