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    For Ditzy Customers, Please Press 2

    | Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I am calling a customer to let them know that their order is in.)

    Me: “May I please speak with Mrs.***?”

    Customer: “Speaking.”

    Me: “Hi there, this is Sarah, I’m calling from [store] to let you know that your order is in, and you can come pick it up anytime.”

    *long pause*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were a recording!”

    Not So Mellow Jello

    | Wood Dale, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

    Me: “That will be $*.** for 3 packs of jello. Will there be anything else for you today?”

    Customer: “No, no thank you. My granddaughter is turning 21!”

    Me: “How nice! Are these for her party?”

    Customer: “She is having a party tonight and asked me to buy her jello so she could have jello shots. I’m so glad she is not drinking and instead just having jello. I must have raised her right!”

    Store Of The D***ed

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Religion

    Me: “Hi, how can help you today?”

    Customer: “Are you a lesbian!?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’ve got real short hair. I heard that women with short hair are lesbians.”

    Me: “So, was there anything I could help you with?”

    Customer: “You can answer my question! Are you a lesbian or not?!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to answer that.”

    Customer: “I don’t want some hell-bound homosexual near me! God will strike you down for disobeying his word!”

    Me: “Okay, okay. If you really must know, no I am not a lesbian.”

    Customer: “Then why do you have short hair??”

    (By this time, my manager, who is male-to-female transgender, walks over.)

    Manager: *in their manly voice* “Is there a problem here, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh dear lord! You’re not a woman!”

    Manager: “Only on paper, sir.

    Customer: *runs out screaming* “This place is d***ed! D***ed I tell you!”

    Not Down Low On The Download

    | Ontario, Canada | Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Yeah, do you have [this game] for PC?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. It’s $30. Would you like to purchase it?”

    Customer: “No thanks. I just wanted to see how much money I saved by downloading it instead.”

    Sweet Candy, Bitter Purchase

    | North Dakota, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (The grocery store has an ongoing deal where a gas coupon for 6 cents off per gallon prints at the bottom of the receipt. The minimum purchase is $30 before tax.)

    Me: “Your total comes to $29.76 before tax.”

    Customer: “It says it’s $30 there!”

    Me: “That’s after tax, sir. The coupon won’t print out unless you spend $30 before tax. If you add a candy bar, maybe?”

    Customer: “It says $30!”

    (He pays for the groceries.)

    Customer: “Where’s my coupon?”

    Me: “Like I told you, it didn’t come to $30 before tax. I told you that if you add a candy bar onto it–”

    Customer: “Well, ring me up for a candy bar and give me my coupon!”

    Me: “It doesn’t work like that, sir. It has to be $30 all at once.”

    Customer: “You’ve got extra coupons back here, don’t you!? Just give me an extra one!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the coupons print at the bottom of receipts. We don’t have them to hand out. They will only print out when you purchase enough items.”

    Customer: “Get me a coupon! I have a d*** candy bar!”

    Me: “I can refund your entire order and then ring it up again with the candy bar. You’ll get the coupon that way, but your card might show a double charge for a brief period of time.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! Do it!”

    (I refund his entire purchase and then ring it up again, this time with a candy bar, putting his subtotal over $30. The 6-cent gas coupon prints out at the bottom. Satisfied, the man leaves.)

    Coworker: “You know that guy doesn’t even own a car, right? He only has a bike.”

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