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    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A caller is saying that her cable isn’t working. I determine that her TV simply is not switched on.)

    Me: “Okay. I just need you to press the power button on your remote, and your TV will work.”

    Customer: “I can’t find the remote! Make it work!”

    Me: “Don’t worry. Just press the power button on your TV for me.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a power button on my TV!”

    Me: “Okay. Can you do me a favor and read out the buttons you see on your TV?”

    Customer: “The first one says ‘pooer’.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Pooer.”

    Me: “Can you spell that for me, please?”

    Customer: “P-O-W-E-R.”

    Me: “Great, that’s your power button.”

    Customer: “No, it says ‘pooer’.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I assure you that’s your power button. Please just press it.”

    Customer: “Well, they must have misspelled it.”

    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 4
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 2
    Not Remotely Intelligent

    The Price Is Always Right

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Uncategorized

    (I put a customer’s purchase through. The computer automatically discounts the purchase from $35 to $29.)

    Customer: “I’m sorry, you’ve made some mistake. The price isn’t correct on the screen.”

    Me: “Yes, there’s actually a discount on some of your items.”

    Customer: “No. I added the prices as I went around. I’m very good at maths, and you’ve processed the sale wrong.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m confused. You would rather pay the full price?”

    Customer: “Give me your manager.”

    (My manager has overheard most of this.)

    Manager: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “Your staff has processed my sale completely wrong. I demand that you correct this.”

    Manager: “Of course.” *bumps the price up* “The price is $35, ma’am.”

    Customer: *glowering in my direction* “Didn’t hurt, did it?”

    Application Confrontation

    | Turlock, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m walking the floor. A customer walks through the front door and approaches me.)

    Customer: *mutters* “Where do I go to fill out an application?”

    (I have a walkie-talkie and headset on. When the customer asks her question, my manager begins to speak to me over the walkie.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t quite catch that.”

    Customer: *raised voice* “Where. Can. I. Go. To. Get. An. App-li-ca-tion? Don’t they teach you how to listen here?”

    Me: “Yes, they do. Someone was talking in my ear, so I didn’t hear you the first time. You can pick up an application over here.”

    (I walk her to the application kiosk. About an hour goes by, and I get a call on the walkie that a customer wants to see me. It’s the same customer.)

    Customer: “Oh, you again. I just finished with my application. Is there a manager or human resources available to talk to? Should I repeat myself again?”

    Me: “You’re talking to him.”

    Born Yesterday

    | Allentown, PA, USA | History

    (Several teenage patrons are reading the ‘What does your birthday mean?’ keychains.)

    Teenager #1: “Mine’s September 11th. Wasn’t that, like, a bad day in history or something?”

    Me: “How old are you guys?”

    All teens: “Thirteen!”

    (I do quick mental math. I realize they were only six when the twin towers fell.)

    Me: “Yes. It was a very bad day. Members of an extremist group hijacked some planes and–”

    (While reading a keychain from the day the Berlin Wall fell, the second teenager interrupts me.)

    Teenager #2: “Hey! What does ‘co-MUNE-ism’ mean?”

    Righteous Indie-nation

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks over to the first aisle and taps each and every last CD case with his finger while saying either ‘mainstream’ or ‘sell-out’. He proceeds to do this with every single CD in the store, which takes him about 25 minutes. He then walks up to the counter.)

    Customer: “What a bunch of mainstreamers you guys are! Don’t you have anything more obscure?”

    Me: “We do have a pretty large indie section, which you seemed to have skimmed over.”

    Customer: “You call those indie? I’ve heard of every single one of them. They’re all sell-outs.”

    Me: “So, what is it that you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “How the h*** should I know? If I’ve already heard of it, I wouldn’t buy it.”

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