Actually, There’s Probably An App For That, Part 2

| Portland, OR, USA | Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(An older gentleman is shopping for his first cell phone.)

Customer: “I need a phone that rings loud. My hearing isn’t so good.”

Me: “Well, this phone has vibrate mode so you can feel it ring.”

Customer: “Vibrate? You mean like a vibrator?”

Me: “Well, I suppose so, yes. But the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

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Actually, There’s Probably An App For That

Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

| Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

(My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We were using a courtroom that no one was using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

Us: “Uh…”

Woman: “You! You there!”

Me: “Who, me?”

Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but…it’s…not.”

Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”

*pause*

Woman: “But…but you’re wearing a suit!”

Power To The People

| Westchester, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

(I work for a company that provides both phone support and on-site support for residential customers.)

Caller: “Hello, I seem to be having an issue with my internet. It’s not working.”

Me: “Well I’m sure we can fix that. First thing’s first–can we reboot the computer?”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Well, by reboot, I mean restart. I believe you have a [brand] computer. That should be running [operating system], correct?”

Caller: “It’s a something [brand]?”

Me: “Just click on the start button in the lower left hand corner of the screen. Then select ‘Turn off computer’.”

Caller: “I can’t find the start button.”

Me: “Well it might just be hidden. How about we just turn the power off on the laptop.”

Caller: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Just press the power button on the computer. Hold it down, and the computer will turn off.”

Caller: “I don’t know what the power button is.”

Me: “How do you normally turn the computer on or off?”

Caller: “I never have.”

Me: (I check the records to reveal she’s had the computer for 6 months.) “Well, can you possibly find the power button on the computer? It could be on the side. It should be glowing green. It has the power symbol on it.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It looks like this problem will require a tech to be sent out.”

A Not So Pregnant Pause For Thought

| United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Money, Uncategorized

Customer: “Can I have an adult and two students for [film]?”

(The film is rated ‘15’, and the two children with her look like they might not be old enough.)

Me: “Can I just ask your dates of birth?”

First Child: “September 1995.”

Second child: “Umm…”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you the tickets as your son can’t give me a date of birth to confirm he is 15.”

Customer: “Oh, for God’s sake! He was born in August 1995. They’re my children. I think I know how old they are! Now will you sell us the tickets!”

Me: “Wait, they’re both your children?”

Customer: *annoyed* “Yes!”

Me: “And they were only born a month apart?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “You have to be pregnant for nine months.”

Customer: “Yes! So?”

Customer: *realises*

(The customer swears and walks off.)

Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

| Batesville, AR, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

Me: “What discount?”

Customer: “My five finger discount.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”

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