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    3D Vision Vs Pre-Vision

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Movies & TV, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Two.”

    Me: “For which movie?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “Which movie would you like to see?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “Can you hear me?”

    Customer: “Yes, I said two!”

    Me: “I heard that, but you have to tell me which movie you want to see before I can sell you a ticket.”

    Customer: “Oh, I have to pick one?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well how should I know what I want to see? I haven’t seen any of them yet!”

    Suffering From A-Salt

    | Alabama, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Top

    (I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

    Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

    Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

    (She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

    Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

    Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

    Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

    (As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)

    Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*

    Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

    Bird Brained, Part 6

    | Kansas City, KS, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “No, just the bird seed will do.”

    Me: “Alright then.”

    Customer: “CACAAWW!”

    (Moments later, a similar bird call comes from the other end of the store.)

    Me: “What was that?”

    Customer: “Oh that’s my wife. We do that so we can always find each other wherever we go.”

    Related:
    Early Bird Brained
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4
    Bird Brained, Part 5

    You’ll Just Have To Weight

    | Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Could you add the tomato I sampled to the total price?”

    Me: “Do you mean you ate it?”

    Customer: “Yes, please add it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we charge tomatoes by the pound, so that would be kind of hard to do.”

    Customer: *thinks for a second* “Well, I weighed 157 pounds before I ate it…”

    Assault And Battery

    | Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

    (The next day, I call the customer.)

    Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

    Customer: “No, why?”

    Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

    Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

    Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

    Customer: “Very good sir.”

    (4 minutes later, he calls back.)

    Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

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