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    Parental Misguidance

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Family & Kids, School, Uncategorized

    (Parents often call to make sure their children are where they are supposed to be or are going to be ready when they come to pick them up.)

    Me: “Computer lab, this is [name].”

    Mother: “Hi, I am looking for my son. I think he’s up there using your computers.”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me what he looks like?”

    Mother: “Well, he’s got medium skin, he’s kind of heavy, and he looks a little slow.”

    Dieters Are Of A Sweet Disposition

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    (A customer approaches the concessions counter.)

    Customer: “Can I have a diet soda?”

    Me: “Sorry, the fountain here is all out of diet soda.”

    Customer: “That’s fine, I’ll just have a regular soda then.”

    (I give her the regular soda that she asked for. I then watch as she goes to the condiment table and grabs about 5-6 packets of artificial sweetener, dumping it all into her drink.)

    Me: “Um…? What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m making it a diet soda.”

    Missed The Doors Of Opportunity

    | Nashvillle, TN, USA | Musical Mayhem, Uncategorized

    (I am running the lights for a concert. The listing online shows the doors open at 6:30 and the music starts at 9. A woman approaches me at my console.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you know when each band is on?”

    Me: “Yes I do, which band are you interested in?”

    Customer: “Did I already miss ‘The Doors’ play, or are they going to be on stage later on tonight?”

    Me: “Um. I think you may have missed your opportunity to see ‘The Doors’ play by a little while.”

    Doesn’t Enjoy Bird Watching But Quite Likes The Woods

    | Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Uncategorized

    (I am sitting quietly in Current Affairs when I get a tap on the back from behind from a student.)

    Student: “Hey. Is Dick Cheney the funny man on TV?”

    Me: “No, he was the Vice President during the Bush Administration.”

    Student: *blank look*

    Me: “You know, he was the one who shot his friend in the face while quail hunting?”

    Student: “Oh my God, he what! Wait, what’s a quail?”

    Me: “It’s a type of bird.”

    Student: “Why on earth would anyone kill a bird?”

    Me: “To eat?”

    Student: “That’s disgusting!”

    Me: “Where do you think chicken’s come from!?”

    Student: “Oh… right. I swear I’m not dumb! I know who Tiger Woods is!”

    Can’t Handle The Screening Process, Part 2

    | Illinois, USA | School, Technology, Uncategorized

    (I teach college computer courses part time. I am introducing my students, who are 18-60 or so, to Windows and a GUI for the first time.)

    Me: “Okay, everyone use your mouse to point at the icon and double-click on it. Once in the program, go ahead with the exercise.”

    (A student raises a hand.)

    Me: “Something not working?”

    Student: “The mouse doesn’t seem to work. I point at the icon and double-click and nothing happens.”

    Me: “That’s strange. Try it right now and let’s see what happens.”

    (The student grabs the mouse, picks it up off the desk and points it at the icon like a gun and double clicks.)

    Student: “See? Isn’t that little arrow supposed to follow too? Anyway, it’s broken, doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Ah, well, see you actually use the mouse here on the mouse-pad like this.” *I demonstrate*

    Student: “Oh my, I get it now!” *grabs the mouse and successfully launches the program*

    (A few minutes go by as the students are working on the exercise, the same student raises a hand.)

    Me: “Getting along with the exercise okay?”

    Student: “I was, but now I need a bigger mouse pad.”

    Me: “Why would that be?”

    Student: “Well look at it. I have the mouse all the way to the right side of the mouse-pad, but I need to make the arrow go even further to the right on the screen. I need a bigger mouse-pad.”

    Me: “Well, you can pick the mouse up–”

    Student: “You told me not to do that.”

    Me: “Right, but in this case–”

    Student: “You’re confusing me.”

    Me: “Let me see if we have a bigger mouse-pad…”

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