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    A Bit Nutty

    | Scotland |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. What is the problem with your telephone line?”

    Customer: “The squirrels.”

    Me: “The–what? Sorry?”

    Customer: “Those damn squirrels are watching me.”

    Me: “Uh…do you have a problem with your telephone line?”

    Customer: “Yes, the squirrels have nested on it, and they watch me while I’m sleeping…”

    Me: “I’m sure they’re not.”

    Customer: “You calling me a liar?”

    You Look Nothing Like Your Ad

    | Tennessee, USA | Top

    (A family group was checking in – one lady in the group started telling me about her husband’s recent death from cancer.)

    Customer: “…and he was all eaten up with colon cancer, and he just died.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that is really not any of my business. It seems like a very private matter….”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “I’m not comfortable hearing–”

    Customer: “Are you a Christian?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I knew it! You are evil, and will burn in hell. I’ll speak to your manager in the morning!”

    Me: “Ok. That’s fine.”

    Customer: “I hope you liked your former job.”

    Me: “…”

    (The group went to their rooms. A few minutes later, one of the adult daughters came to the desk.)

    Me: “Yes, Ma’am?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “I just came down because I wanted to see what pure evil looks like.”

    Me: “…”

    High Altitude Expectations

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I overhead my coworker have this exchange while helping a patron.)

    Coworker: “What can I help you find?”

    Patron: “I need pictures from when they used to tie small cameras to birds to take aerial photos.”

    Coworker: “Well, I don’t think that we would have any books for that – let me look online.”

    Patron: “I kinda need this right away; my class starts in ten minutes.”

    Coworker: “I’m looking as fast as I can.”

    Patron: “Well, f***ing look faster! I am going to fail this class now, and it’s all because of you!”

    Coworker: “I found your photos. I’ll send them to the printer right now; it will be 50 cents for the print.”

    Patron: “What the f***? You expect me to PAY for the prints?”

    Coworker: “Yes, yes I do.”

    (The patron hands over the money while swearing under his breath.)

    Coworker: “Enjoy.”

    (She hands him the papers and he runs out, but not thirty seconds later he runs back in.)

    Patron: “I need pictures of the f***ing birds, not the pictures that they took!”

    Coworker: *as she turns off her computer* “Well, it looks like our system is down. You’ll have to come back at a later time.”

    Patron: *storms out*

    Occam’s Razor Phone

    | Colorado, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Mobile Customer Service, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

    Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Pen Envy

    | The Colony, TX, USA |

    (Upon finishing a transaction with a customer, I give her a printed receipt to sign, along with a foot-long novelty pen.)

    Customer: *getting very excited* “Oh. My. God. I love this pen.”

    Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

    Customer: “No, you have no idea. I love this pen. Gigantic pens are my thing.”

    Me: “Oh, well, that’s cool then.”

    Customer: “Can I buy it from you? I collect gigantic pens.”

    Me: “Well, it’s not exactly a sale item, and it’s the manager’s pen anyway, so–”

    Customer: “But I collect them! And this one is just awesome. Here, I can trade you for my pen.”

    Me: “No, I don’t think–”

    Customer: *digs in her purse and thrusts a pen at me* “Here, look! It’s really nice and it writes really well. Look at this – it’s real wood! It’s a REALLY NICE PEN!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’d rather have that nice pen than the manager’s giant pen.”

    (The customer begins to awkwardly try and sneak the huge pen into her purse. I stare at her while she does this, and she stops.)

    Customer: “All right, all right! But I’ll be back for it!”

    Me: “I have no doubt that you will. Have a nice day.”

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