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    (Copyright) Piracy On The Seventy Seas

    | USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like three copies of this photo, please.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but this we can’t copy this. It’s a professionally taken photo.”

    Customer: “What?! It was taken on a cruise ship 3 years ago!”

    Me: “I apologize, sir, but we’re not allowed to copy professional photos without the photographer’s consent.”

    Customer: “It was taken on a cruise ship 5 years ago! What does the law have to do with anything!”

    Me: “Sir, the government could fine us fifteen-thousand dollars for going against the copyright on those photos. The law gives the photographer legal ownership of those photos for seventy years.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s been seven!”

    Me: “I said seventy.”

    Customer: “Well, seventy then!”

    And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

    Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

    Customer: “My data is gone.”

    Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

    Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

    (I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

    Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

    Me: “11,383?!”

    Customer: “Is that bad?”

    The Cup Is Definitely Half Empty

    | North Syracuse, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (A woman and her twelve year-old son are buying hockey equipment.)

    Me: “Okay, you’ll also need a cup & supporter for him.”

    Customer: “How do I know what size he needs?”

    Me: “The supporter is based on his waist size. Do you know his waist size?”

    Customer: “Yes, but how do I know what size the cup should be for him?”

    Me: “Well, you’d know better than me! I’d recommend the teen size.”

    Customer: “No. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll need an extra-small.”

    Male To Female Adapter

    | Dublin, GA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Um…. I need some… *whispers* tampons?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Some tampons please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong store.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t. My husband told me to come here and get them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We don’t sell those here.”

    Customer: “But you have to. He said he got some here last week.”

    (I realize she probably means tapcons, which are masonry screws.)

    Me: “Do you mean tapcons?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that could be it. I don’t know why he told me to get tampons. That doesn’t make any sense.”

    Love Isn’t As Priceless As It Used To Be

    | Little Rock, AR, USA | Uncategorized

    (I work in a toy store where customers can custom build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

    Me: “Welcome to [toy store], have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

    Little girl: “Yes!”

    (We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

    Me: “Okay, you want to get the I love you button put in today?”

    Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

    Little girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says I love you!

    Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

    Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

    Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

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