What’s Red Or Blue And Dumb All Over

| Alaska, USA | Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

(I work for a cruise line. We ported in a small town where we were too big for the local harbor, so we had to tender the passengers ashore in smaller boats. The passengers are lining up to be issued a tender ticket so they could go ashore. The tickets just happen to be red or blue, but the colors don’t mean anything.)

Passenger: “What’s the difference between the red tickets and the blue tickets?”

Me: *joking* “Well the red tickets operate as a life preserver in case of an emergency, the blue tickets will turn to stone and take you straight to the bottom. You’ll have to decide among yourselves who gets what.”

(The entire line behind the passenger bursts into hysterical laughter, I’m having difficulty holding a straight face, but the original passenger is staring at me completely horror-stricken.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m joking…there’s no difference.”

Passenger: “Are… are you sure?!”

How Not To Courier Favor In The Marriage

| Flint, MI, USA | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(A customer calls about a delivery.)

Me: “Ma’am we can’t guarantee your delivery by any certain time. If you look at the order you’ll see it says estimated delivery date.”

Caller: “I don’t care what it says. All I know is that it says today’s date between 8 am and 5 pm.”

Me: “Ma’am, that was just the estimated date. Your order will be to your house on Monday.”

Caller: “Are you stupid? It has today’s date on it.”

Me: “Is there anyone else in your home that I can speak to about this?”

Caller: “My husband, hang on.”

(She puts husband on the phone.)

Me: “Sir, could you please explain to your wife that the delivery is not guaranteed today? The date on the order is an estimate and it will be there on Monday.”

Caller’s Husband: *yelling at wife* “God d*** can’t you f***ing read! It says estimated date right there. It will be here Monday! Tell the guy you’re sorry for being a dumba**.”

(He puts wife back on the phone.)

Caller: “I’m sorry I didn’t see that. Have a nice night.” *click*

A Good Icebreaker

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hello, I’d like a hot blended mocha, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t make you a hot blended mocha, I’d be happy to make you an ice blended mocha, or a hot or iced mocha, but I can’t make a hot blended mocha.”

Customer: “What? Why can’t I get a hot blended mocha? It’s what I want!”

Me: “Well, a blended drink is blended with ice, so I can’t really make it hot once it’s blended with ice.”

Customer: “Well why not? Why can’t you just blend the drink and then heat it up for me?”

Me: “I guess I could do that ma’am, but then it wouldn’t really be a blended drink anymore. And it probably wouldn’t taste very good, to be perfectly honest.”

Customer: “I just want a hot blended mocha. I don’t understand why this is so difficult!”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, ma’am, you got it.”

Customer: “Finally! Thank you!”

(I proceed to make her a regular mocha.)

Me: “Here’s your hot blended mocha ma’am.”

Customer: “Mmm! Perfect! Now just remember this for next time!”

They Must Have Learned From Vader’s Wheezing Problem

| Calgary, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Movies & TV, Uncategorized

(An angry looking young couple storms into the convenience store.)

Man: “You sell cigarettes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “You smoking b******!”

Me: “I don’t smoke. I’m not the one that picks out the–”

Woan: “That is f***ing illegal!”

Me: “No, actually, it’s not.”

(The woman pulls something out of her purse and writes a message on it. She slams it on the counter and she and her husband storm off. I look at it later and it is a picture of a Death Star. The message reads ‘This is coming to get you!’.)

Out Of Tune-a With The Menu

| San Jose, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I am working as a waitress in a sushi restaurant. A handicapped customer comes in and orders 5 rolls off of our special rolls menu. I bring the customer her food.)

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “These are the rolls you ordered, ma’am.”

Customer: “I didn’t order these. I don’t eat fish.”

Me: “Ma’am, you specifically pointed at these rolls. The ingredients are mainly tuna and salmon. It is listed on the menu.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish! You are discriminating against me because I am in a wheelchair. I didn’t order this!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is exactly what you ordered. If you don’t eat fish, you should have ordered chicken or beef teriyaki.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish! Bring me my rolls!”

Me: “These are your rolls.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”

Manager: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Your waitress brought me the wrong rolls. I want my rolls.”

Manager: “This looks to be exactly what you ordered.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish!”

Manager: “It’s listed with fish on the menu, but okay, we’ll take these back. What would like instead?”

(The customer orders the same rolls.)

Manager: “Ma’am, you just ordered the exact same rolls.”

Customer: “They have fish in them?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Customer: “Is that because I’m handicapped?”

Manager: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I’m leaving and I’m not giving you a cent of my money. You shouldn’t falsely advertise. You should say when there will be fish!”

Manager: *to me* “You hungry?”

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