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    That’s Just Golden

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

    Me: “Customer service, this is ***. May I have your file number?”

    (The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Airline employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

    Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

    Airline employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

    Me: “Oh my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

    Airline employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where–no pun intended–the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

    Airline employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

    Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

    , | Dallas, TX |

    Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

    Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

    Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

    Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”

    Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

    (I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

    Me: “I was, ma’am.”

    Customer: “NO YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU 3 TIMES!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”

    Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

    (At this point, I’m just like screw it and I apologized and gave her the change.)

    Me: “Have a good–”"

    Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

    Me: “……”

    Not For All The Gold In Azeroth

    | Moore, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Electronics. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you have World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade in stock?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “How much is it?”

    Me: “$50, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Oh, well… if I sleep with you, can I get your discount?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, unfortunately not.” *hangs up*

    Manager: “You should have told her that you would increase the price of the game if she slept with you…”

    A Tasty Threat

    | San Juan, Puerto Rico |

    (At the security checkpoint, I observed a man walking up to the checkpoint with his luggage and a Tupperware container full of soup.)

    Agent: “Sir, you can’t take that beyond this point.”

    Customer: “But it’s my soup!”

    Agent: “Sir, you can’t take a container bigger than 3 ounces.”

    Customer: “But it’s my soup!

    Agent: “I’m sorry, but you either have to eat it here or throw it away.”

    Customer: “But…it’s delicious food!”

    The Price For Solitude

    | Paris, France |

    Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

    Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms – why do you give those to other patients?”

    Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

    (I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

    Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

    Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

    Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

    Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

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