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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Yes, Boarded Up Windows Will Send The Right Message

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    (Our store was recently renovated with big glass front windows.)

    Customer: “Wow, they renovated.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you afraid someone might come and shoot out the windows?”

    Me: “No, actually, it hadn’t really crossed my mind.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be concerned!”

    Me: “I’m not. I can’t say I’ve worried over that.”

    Customer: “Well, this IS downtown. These things happen! You should be worried!”

    Blood Pressure Go Up, Blood Pressure Go Down

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m calling to clarify information on a form this guy sent in.)

    Caller: “Do you realize I’m on the ‘Do Not Call During Dinner’ list!?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry that–”

    Caller: “You f***ing insurance agents! Do you realize that [another insurance company] totally f***ed me over?! Do you realize how much money they cost me? Those f***ing guys got put in jail and now I have to pay more money!”

    Me: “Sir, this has nothing to do with–”

    Caller: “I do not like being sold things during dinner!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not trying to sell you anything–”

    Caller: “All you f***ing insurance people just want to roll me over and sodomize me!”

    Me: “Sir, this is on behalf of your existing company, and it’s regarding a form you yourself sent in. I have it in front of me now and I just had a few questions.”

    Caller: *totally friendly* “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

    There Can Be Only One Insane Customer

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    (A guy comes in looking a bit haggard.)

    Me: “Hi sir! Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Let’s move to the back of the store.”

    (He takes my arm and we walk to one of the last shelves of the store.)

    Customer: “I need a book on immortality.”

    Me: “All right – we’ve got science fiction over here…”

    Customer: “No, I need to research immortality. I’m immortal. See this scar on my neck? A guy cut me a couple days ago and it’s almost healed. I’m immortal.”

    (I stare at the large cut on his neck that is laced together with stitches).

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure if we have any books like that.”

    Customer: “Well, can you buy me a sword from the store next door?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “I promise I’ll pay you back. I’ll give you my ID so you can track me down later and everything. I need a sword.”

    Me: “Really, I could get fired for that.”

    (The customer looks up and then starts sniffing the air.)

    Customer: “They’re coming. I have to go!” *runs out of the store*

    Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

    Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

    Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

    Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

    Me: “…”

    Precious Gems, Precious Few Brain Cells

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

    Me: “Oh, garnet?”

    Customer: “No..”

    Me: “Ruby?”

    Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

    Me: “Um…yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

    Me: “Um…topaz?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that one…”

    Me: “Lapis?”

    Customer: “No…. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

    Me: “…no, I’ve never thought that…”

    Customer: “Well, it should be!”

    Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire…”

    Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

    Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

    Customer: “Any sapphires?”

    Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

    Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them… who would I talk to about that?”

    Me: “…Adam?”

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