The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

| Reston, VA, USA | Top

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to change my desktop background. Can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, no problem. Are you on your desktop?”

Customer: “Yes, I am.”

Me: “Okay, I would like you to right click on the desktop.”

Customer: “You want me to right click?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Nothing is happening.”

Me: “That’s odd. Well, right click again. Let’s see if anything happens.”

Customer: “Nope, still nothing.”

Me: “Okay, let me come over to your desk. I will try to see what’s going on.”

(I walk over to the user’s desk. As I approach, I notice the user wrote the word ‘click’ twice on the monitor with a sharpie.)

Guess Who Got The Lion’s Share Of The Stupid

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

(I am making my rounds in the Africa area. An American couple is standing in front of the lion compound. There is a clear sign stating it is an African lion.)

Tourist #1: “Excuse me, what animal is this?”

Me: “That would be a lion, ma’am.”

Tourist #2: “Oh, yes. We have them in Utah!”

Me: “Actually, sir, you have mountain lions in Utah. Not African lions.”

Tourist #1: “Then you should tell someone that mountain lions shouldn’t be in the Africa section!”

We Are A Precipitation Mall Nation

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Uncategorized

(We are in the middle of a snow and ice storm that has shut down the city.)

Customer: “I cannot believe you guys are still open. The roads are really bad out there.”

Me: “Yes, I know. The roads are dangerous, but people must really enjoy shopping to take the time to visit the mall today.”

Customer: “I cannot believe that people are risking their lives to come out to the mall. You guys must be losing money staying open when no one is here.”

Me: “True, but as long as they keep coming we will stay open. What is it that I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Oh, I just need to do a return.”

For Bad Parenting These Two Take The Cake

| Olathe, KS, USA | Uncategorized

(I am scanning a large birthday cake for an adult couple.)

Me: “Oh! Is it someone’s birthday today?”

Wife: “Yes! It’s our daughter’s tenth birthday today.”

Me: “Oh, that’s cool. My birthday’s not too far away either!”

Wife: “Really? How old will you be?”

Me: “Seventeen.”

Wife, to husband: “Oh, that was a good year. Do you remember what you did on your seventeenth birthday?”

Husband: “I don’t know. I drank seventeen beers!”

Wife: *laughs* “I’m pretty sure that my seventeenth birthday was the first day I did shrooms. But you look like a lot better kid than we were. I’m sure you won’t do any of that stuff,
right?”

Me: *pause* “That’s going to be $17.43, please.”

About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 2

| Fort Myers, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in an electronics store that sells power adapters as replacements for broken ones. The customer has a complaint, because the replacement plug doesn’t go in all the way. It sticks out about 2 millimeters.)

Customer: “What’ll I do if my grandson sticks his finger on it?”

Me: “Well, sir, first of all, I would hope you’d keep something like this out of his reach. Second, the space is far too small for his finger to touch it. Third, the plug only has 3 volts of electricity coming out. It won’t hurt you.”

Customer: “Prove it!”

(I proceed to plug in the adapter, and hold the tip of it between my fingers.)

Me: “See? No shock.”

Customer: “I still don’t believe you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here.”

(I hand the customer a 9-volt battery.)

Me: “Take this, and put your finger on top of those two bumps.”

Customer: “Fine! What’s the point of this?”

Me: “Well, right now, you’re touching a 9-volt battery on both poles. You have more voltage flowing through you, coming out of that battery, than I do touching this plug.”

(The customer thinks for a minute, as though trying to comprehend what I just said. His fingers are still in place on the battery. Suddenly, he shouts out in pain and throws the battery across the
room.)

Customer: *shouting* “How dare you! You just tried to kill me! I’m going to sue!”

(My manager, who has been watching from the back room via security camera the entire time, comes out.)

Manager: “Sir, if you really think you have a case, go ahead. You’ll be up against witnesses, security cameras with full audio, and basic elementary school science. There is no way a 9-volt battery can hurt you.”

(The customer leaves, looking forlorn and downtrodden.)

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About To Get Charged With Battery

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