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    Team Building Retreat With The Reindeer

    | Merced, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, [hotel]. This is Patrice. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

    Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

    Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

    Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

    Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

    Me: “… You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Pantzilla Gets Schooled

    , | Columbus, OH, USA |

    (At the clothing store where I work, I’ve spent hours folding and sizing jeans into a wall display. A customer comes up starts to look for her size.)

    Me: “Hi there! How are you today? My name is ***. Can I help you find the size or style of jeans you are looking for today?”

    Customer: “No, I’m just looking… thanks.”

    Me: “Alright. Well, you just let me know if you need any help.”

    (As I go back to folding jeans, she pulls out a pile I’ve already fixed, proceeds to destroy it and shoves it back in the wall.)

    Me: “Are you sure I can’t help you find what you are looking for?”

    Customer: “Nah, I’m alright.”

    (She destroys pile number #2.)

    Me: *wincing* “I might be able to help you find the size you are looking for a little faster…”

    Customer: “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

    (She destroys pile number #3.)

    Me: “Ma’am, please let me help you since I know where everything is.”

    Customer: “I said I was okay! Don’t you people have better things to do than bug your shoppers?! I don’t need your help!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m going to help you anyway. I’ve spent nearly six hours refolding and fixing this wall because customers like you come in and ruin it with no regard to the people who have to clean up your mess. Since we size things with the smallest size at the top and the largest size at the bottom, I suggest that you look somewhere near the bottom pile for your jeans!”

    Customer: *jaw drops* “ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!”

    Me: “No, I’m implying it.”

    Customer: “WELL I NEVER!” *storms out*

    (I got written up, but it was totally worth it!)

    She Who Wears The Pants

    | Dover, DE, USA |

    Customer: “… and I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, he doesn’t.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “You don’t need them.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, you don’t.”

    Me: “No offense, sir, but she’s scarier than you are.”

    Customer’s wife: “D*** straight!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Speak For Yourself, Part 2

    , | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, do you carry [garbled]? It’s a spice.”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, this is a retail clothing store.”

    Caller: “So, you don’t have it?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, you may have dialed the wrong number.”

    Caller: “I did NOT dial wrong. ¬†I looked you up in the phone book and this IS the right number, so just tell me if you have it!”

    Me: “We do not.”

    Caller: “What spices do you carry?”

    Me: “We don’t carry spices. We only carry women’s clothing.”

    Caller: “YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO READ A PHONE BOOK!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Speak For Yourself

    Please Do Not Manhandle The Employees

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s very busy at the grocery store, so I hop on cash and take the first customer who walks by. Another customer in the lane behind me grabs my arm and wrenches me around so I am facing her.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, did you just open that cash to serve that customer?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s very busy right now.”

    Customer: “Idiot! When you open a cash you take the first customer in the other line, not the last!”

    (Keep in mind this customer has already unloaded her items in a different lane.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am… as you can see, it’s very busy right now and I just took the first customer I saw.”

    Customer: “Well! That’s very poor customer service!”

    (She grabs my arm and physically turns me around so I’m facing my original customer again. I continue with their order.)

    Customer: “No! I’m not done!”

    (She grabs my arm again and turns me around to face her.)

    Customer: “What is your name?! I’m going to talk to your manager! Call him down here now!”

    Me: “I’ll call the duty manager right away.”

    Customer: “No! I want the STORE Manager! Call him down here now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but he’s gone home for the evening.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’m coming back here at 9:00 tomorrow morning, and I expect you to be here too so we can meet with your manager about your terrible customer service!”

    Me: “Okay! You’ll be here at 9? How about we meet at the police station at 10, and we can meet with them about the bruises you just gave me?” *rolls up sleeve to show the red marks*

    Customer: “I… uh…”

    (She grabs my arm one last time and turns me back to my cash. I finish her order and she rushes out of the store.)

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