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    His Bigness Is None Of Your Business

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is ***, *** speaking, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Ah, hello. ¬†I was just wondering… you see, I run an adult dance club outside of town.You know, with male strippers and such.”

    Me: “… uh huh.”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, we order our clothing through a store usually, on the internet. ¬†But I have a new man and we need some clothes for him and he’s… large.”

    Me: “… uh… huh?”

    Customer: “Well he… he’s very large.”

    Me: “Um, well… what.. was your question?”

    Customer: “Oh. ¬†Well,¬†I was wondering what kind of fabric you might recommend for a someone in our business.”

    Me: “Oh. ¬†Well, I would think something black. ¬†We have some see-through stuff. ¬†I might suggest a shimmer see through fabric. ¬†We have some of those…”

    Customer: “Oh good, good. Well, how much fabric do you think we’d need?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on his size.¬†If you take some measurements, I can–”

    Customer: “Well, the thing is… it’s his… his business. ¬†Can I tell you about his business…?”

    Me: “Go ahead…”

    Customer: ¬†”He is 12 inches long and three inches wide. ¬†Three inches! Have you ever heard of such a thing!”

    Me: “No, can’t say I have…”

    Customer: ¬†”Three inches wide! ¬†I didn’t even know they made them that wide. ¬†Do you know anyone like that? ¬†That long and that wide?”

    Me: “Uh… well, my friend is… I’ve never seen him… but his girlfriend tells me he’s… exceptionally… long.”

    Customer: “Oh? ¬†Your friend?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “But you’ve never seen it?”

    Me: *inwardly wanting to die* “No.”

    Customer: “Would he be interested in exotic male dancing?”

    Me: “Let’s focus on the fabrics. So you want to know how much you’ll need.¬†Now, I can’t see you needing more than two yards in total. ¬†Probably less.”

    Customer: “And that will cover his business…?”

    Me: “That… will cover… his business.”

    Customer: ¬†”Because he’s big. Now your friend, how did you say you knew he was so big?”

    Me: “Okay… you know what? ¬†I’m terribly sorry but my job isn’t to recruit my friends for an exotic dance club. ¬†Why don’t you measure your man, bring me the measurements and I will show you how much you need.”

    Customer: “Now, is he a black man?”

    Me: “Thanks for your call… goodbye.” ¬†*click*

    I Think We’ve Found The Problem

    , | Concord, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

    Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

    Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

    Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

    Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

    (After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

    Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

    Me: “I was just joking!”

    Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

    Sustenance In The Wilderness

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (Our store is near the university campus, right next to the dorms. I received an odd call one day.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my daughter lives in the dorms right next to you, and I was wondering what your store is.”

    Me: “It’s a gas station, and inside there’s a convenience store with soda, snacks, stuff like that.”

    Caller: “Is it a grocery store?”

    Me: “No…it’s a gas station and convenience store. We have chips, candy, etc. We have a fountain with soda, and also coffee.”

    Caller: “So it’s a grocery store?”

    Me: “No…we don’t have grocery products. We have a SMALL supply of cheap toilet paper, milk, and tampons. I doubt your daughter would come here for anything except the ATM and coffee, or gas if she drives.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to make sure my daughter will be okay. What kind of store is it?”

    Me: *starting to get annoyed* “It’s a gas station. There are pumps in the front to get gas at. We also have snacks. It’s a convenience store and a gas station.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand. She’s away at college and I don’t know
    if she’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, she’ll be fine. Have a nice day, good bye.” *hanging up*

    (A few minutes later, a skinny blond girl enters the store.)

    Girl: *talking on her cell phone* “Yeah, Mom, they have coffee, soda, gum, chips, and an ATM…it’s a convenience store, Mom. Yes, they sell gas – there are pumps outside!”

    Me: *headdesk*

    Something With Sprinkles, I’d Wager…

    , | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a large coffee and something for my wife…maybe an apple cruller?”

    (He pays for his stuff and I see him walk out to a car parked right in front of the store. He gets in, but the car doesn’t move. After about a minute, he storms back into the store.)

    Customer: *loudly* “What kind of donut do you recommend for a hatchet-faced old witch?!

    Me: “Uh….”

    For My Next Trick…

    | Terrace, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

    Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

    Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

    Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

    Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

    Me: “With your car keys?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

    Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

    Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

    (I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

    Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

    Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

    Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

    (My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

    Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

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