Drives You Round The U-Bend

| Big Rapids, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “The fish tank I have is really dirty and starting to smell, so I want to clean it but someone told me that I can’t use tap water in a fish tank.”

Me: “Yeah, you either have to get spring water or buy a bottle of water conditioner, and just add that to the tap water.”

Customer: “Oh. What if I use toilet water instead of tap water?”

It’s Also A One-Way Trip

| Netherlands | Uncategorized

Me: “*** Post Office, can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to get God’s address.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have an actual address for God.”

Customer: “But how can you know where to deliver letters to God without an address?”

Me: “We deliver them to the church down the street.”

Customer: “So you are telling me you don’t actually deliver the letters to God himself?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: “I cannot believe you lie to all these people and deliver those letters to some crappy church!! I need my letter to be delivered to God directly! I hate you!”

Me: “I am very sorry, sir. I guess you’ll have to go deliver the letter yourself. But look on the bright side, it saves you a postal stamp!”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess so.” *click*

Branded As Stupid

| St. Augustine, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “There is a brand that they sell only in Europe. Do you have that brand?”

Me: “It’s a shoe brand?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And they sell it only in Europe?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Do you know where you are?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we just don’t have that brand.”

Shout Until You’re Bleu In The Face

| Newberg, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in the dining room at a retirement home. I’m offering an elderly woman soup.)

Me: “Hi there, Susie! Would you like some soup tonight?”

Elderly Woman: “What?”

Me: *raising my voice* “Would you like some SOUP?”

Elderly Woman: “WHAT?”

Me: *I put mouth right by her ear and basically yell at her* “DO YOU WANT SOUP?”

Elderly Woman: “Why are you speaking French?”

Dissecting Lies, Brit By Brit

| Vermont, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, this is [tech center]. I’m [name] from Vermont. How may I help you?”

Customer: “What’s Vermont? Is it a state?”

Me: “Yes. It’s in New England.”

Customer: “No it’s not. You’re lying!”

Me: “No, miss. It was the 14th state to join the Union. It is definitely a state in New England.”

Customer: “New England, you say? Well then why don’t you have a British accent?”

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