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    Talentless Pool

    | Wisconsin, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer approaches the front desk.)

    Customer: “Can I get a large gauze and band aid? And maybe some ointment as well?”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Customer: “My son swam into the pool wall, and he cut his head open.”

    Me: “Is he okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, just bleeding. He’s so used to swimming in the ocean with no walls. Poor thing.”

    Me: “How old is your son?”

    Customer: “19.”

    All Style, No Substance

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA | Funny Names

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Hair Salon]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was in there last week and I got my hair done by [stylist].”

    Me: “Okay. Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “No, I think it looks great.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, I’d like to come back in and have it re-done.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I thought you said you liked it. Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Every time [stylist] does my hair my friends all tell me how great it looks, this time no one has even noticed I got it done. I’d like to come back in and have it re-done so people will notice it.”

    Me: “Well, [stylist] is very busy this week. I’m not sure if he will be able to get you in.”

    Customer: “But what am I supposed to do?!”

    (By this time I had looked up her name from the caller ID and found the day she came in 6 days prior.)

    Me: “I was here last Tuesday and I remember when you left, your hair looked amazing!”

    Customer: “Oh really? Great! Tell [stylist] I’ll see him for my next appointment in 7 weeks, and I want the color he did this time. I just love it!”

    You’ve Got To Be Kitten

    | Newburgh, IN, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A caller says she’s found a kitten and is getting information on our services.)

    Me: “…we also recommend spaying or neutering the kitten. This can be done around 4-6 months of age.”

    Caller: “What would the cost be for that?”

    Me: “A spay surgery runs about $100, and a neuter runs a little cheaper, around $70.  The spay is a bit more expensive because it’s more invasive and takes more time to do.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. I would definitely do the neuter since it’s cheaper.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the surgery depends on the kitten’s gender. If it’s a female, it’ll be a spay, and if it’s a male, it’ll be a neuter.”

    Caller: “Why the difference?”

    Telling Porkies

    | Wollongong, NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

    (A family sits at a table in a restaurant specializing in steak dishes.)

    Me: “Hi guys, welcome to [restaurant]. Let me just tell you about today’s special, the prime rib with–”

    Customer: “We don’t need to hear this. Just stop.”

    Me:”So, you already know about the special? Great! Would you like to start with any–”

    Customer: “No! We’re vegetarians!”

    Me: “Oh, alright, well we have a few vegetarian dishes on this–”

    Customer: “No! Listen, we know what we want already.”

    Me: “Okay, great. Go ahead.”

    Customer: “Finally! The kids will have the chicken nuggets, my husband will have the chicken burger, and I’ll have the chicken strip salad.”

    Me: “Sure. Anything else?”

    Husband: “I’ll have extra bacon on the burger.”

    Naturally Stupid, Part 2

    | New York, NY, USA | Math & Science, Technology

    Caller: “I can’t access [cable channel]!”

    Me: “Okay, let me assess your problem. When was the last time you tried to access [channel]?”

    Caller: “It was last night.”

    Me: “Alright, was there any out-of-the-ordinary weather last night? Say, like a storm?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there was a thunderstorm. I had nothing to do, so I was trying to watch [channel name], but it wouldn’t let me! It was all fuzzy on the screen.”

    Me: “Sir, I think the thunderstorm interfered with your television power lines, which is why you couldn’t access your channel.”

    Caller: “But I thought your cable company was supposed to make me able to watch any channel in any weather! That’s the whole reason I switched!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, nothing can prevent Mother Nature. When she strikes, we cannot do anything to bring back channels that may have been lost momentarily.”

    Caller: “Who’s ‘Mother Nature’? Is she the one sabotaging my TV?!”

    Related: Naturally Stupid

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