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    Something With Sprinkles, I’d Wager…

    , | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a large coffee and something for my wife…maybe an apple cruller?”

    (He pays for his stuff and I see him walk out to a car parked right in front of the store. He gets in, but the car doesn’t move. After about a minute, he storms back into the store.)

    Customer: *loudly* “What kind of donut do you recommend for a hatchet-faced old witch?!

    Me: “Uh….”

    For My Next Trick…

    | Terrace, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

    Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

    Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

    Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

    Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

    Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

    Me: “With your car keys?”

    Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

    Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

    Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

    (I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

    Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

    Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

    Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

    (My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

    Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

    If At First You Don’t Succeed…

    | Keystone, CO, USA |

    (A guest was locked out of their condo, but since they booked through a separate company, I couldn’t let him back in.)

    Customer: “So…there’s no way you have a master key that can let me in?”

    Me: “No. Our keys don’t work for other company’s units.”

    Customer: “But..I have a key. It just doesn’t work.”

    Me: “We can’t make new keys for units we don’t manage.”

    Customer: “So…if there’s a fire….”

    Me: “In that case, you’d want to get OUT of the building.”

    Customer: “Right….”

    We Only Have The Other Kind

    | Kansas, USA |

    Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

    Me: “Various prices – what version are you looking for?”

    Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

    It’s All In The Details

    | Noord-Brabant, Netherlands |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I had a High Tea a few days ago at your place. Could I speak to your manager?”

    Me: “Yes, but perhaps I could help you as well?”

    Customer: “No, I would like to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “All right, one moment please.” *hands over the phone to the manager*

    Manager: “Hello, what could I help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry, but I really have to complain about this: a few days ago we had this High Tea at your place, but the napkins weren’t good.”

    Manager: “What was wrong with the napkins?”

    Customer: “The napkins weren’t folded like in the photograph in the restaurant information folder we got.”

    Manager: Uh…I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “They weren’t folded like in the picture!”

    Manager: “Was there anything else that didn’t go well?”

    Customer: *pauses* “No, the rest of it was actually wonderful. The cakes and sandwiches were lovely, and the service was really good. There was nothing wrong with that.”

    Manager: “…”

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