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    Problem Exists Between Bottle And Hand

    | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (I work for a popular coffee chain that sells bottled drinks at the counter. The bottles have a tamper-evident pop-top feature. One day, a customer approached the counter after purchasing one of these drinks.)

    Customer: “Hey, I just bought one of these things and when I opened it the cap popped up.”

    Me: “Yes, they do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “It says ‘Do Not Drink If Button Is Up’.”

    Me: “Yes, it’s a tamper-evident button to–”

    Customer: *speaking very slowly* “I want you to understand what I’m saying here! I can’t drink this – it’s been tampered with!”

    Me: “When you opened the container, the button popped up–”

    Customer: “I’M NOT SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!”

    Me: *headdesk*

    Why Hello, Pheven

    | Australia |

    Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”

    Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”

    Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”

    Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”

    Customer Of The Week: Pure Evil

    | Tennessee, USA | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week:  Good Help
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    That’s Just Golden

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

    Me: “Customer service, this is ***. May I have your file number?”

    (The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Airline employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

    Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

    Airline employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

    Me: “Oh my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

    Airline employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where–no pun intended–the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

    Airline employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

    Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

    , | Dallas, TX |

    Me: “Thank you for choosing ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

    Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

    Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

    Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”

    Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

    (I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

    Me: “I was, ma’am.”

    Customer: “NO YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU 3 TIMES!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”

    Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

    (At this point, I’m just like screw it and I apologized and gave her the change.)

    Me: “Have a good–”"

    Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

    Me: “……”

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