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    Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

    Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

    Me: “Uhh…no.”

    Caller: “What about mongooses?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Dogs?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

    Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

    Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

    This Is Why We Have Self-Checkout Lanes

    | Portage, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Put that bread in the bag.”

    Coworker: “I don’t want to break it…

    (The grocery bags are already very full.)

    Customer: “No, it’s CRUSTY!”

    (The customer rushes over, grabs it, and STUFFS it into the bag, totally crushing it.)

    Customer: “See? It didn’t break! Can you make the bags more even?”

    (My coworker takes out some of the groceries and evenly weights the bags.)

    Customer: “No, make them more evenly weighted!”

    Coworker: “I just did…”

    Customer: “NO, NOW IT’S NOT FAIR TO ALL OF THE OTHER BAGS!”

    (The customer grabs her bags and literally runs out of store.)

    Death By Citrus

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

    Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

    Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

    Me: “No, the other thing.”

    Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

    Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

    Bar patron: “Deal!”

    It’s All In The Wrist

    , | Oregon, USA | Top

    Me: “Okay, will that be everything for you? For here or to go?”

    Customer: “Here.”

    Me: “That will be $8.42.”

    (The customer pulls out a $1 bill and slaps it on the table.)

    Customer: “Wham!”

    Me: *blank stare*

    (The customer’s girlfriend starts cracking up.)

    Customer: “Oh. whoops! Lets try that one again…” *pulls out a $10 bill* “Wham!”

    Caution: Contents Are Highly Enjoyable

    | Lone Tree, CO, USA |

    (A woman called us on the phone after getting home with a video game she’d just purchased.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just bought a video game, and there’s plastic on it.”

    Me: “OK…”

    Customer: “What do I do? Do I take the plastic off?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am. You have to in order to get the game.”

    Customer: “But nothing will happen, right?”

    Me: “No. Nothing is going to happen.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

    Customer: “All right. I’ll call back if something happens.”

    (I never heard back. I hope nothing horrible happened.)

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