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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    A Rainbow Of Flavor

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

    Me: “It tastes like…mangoes?”

    Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

    Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

    Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

    Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

    Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

    Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”

    Not-So-Great Expectations

    | Okemos, MI, USA |

    (It was Memorial Day, and my restaurant happened to be open, although business was very slow. I then received a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, can you tell me if **** restaurant is open today? *naming a competitor*

    Me: “Uh, I really don’t know if they’re open. You know you called ****, right?”

    Caller: “Of course I do, I just assumed you would know if they were open.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not affiliated with them. We really don’t keep track of what other restaurants in the area do with regard to their business hours.”

    Caller: “You’re not being very helpful. I think there should be something you should be able to do.”

    Me: “Have you tried calling them?”

    Caller: “Of course I’ve tried calling them. I’m not an idiot.”

    Me: “What did they say when they answered?”

    Caller: “No one picked up. I called four different times, and no one answered.”

    Me: “Well, that probably means that they’re closed today. If no one is working there, I mean.”

    Caller: “I just want to make sure – can you send someone over there to check?”

    Me: “Um, no, we can’t.”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because we work here. I can’t send an employee out of the restaurant to drive down the road and find out if a competitor is open today. If you really want to find out, I suggest you drive there yourself.”

    Caller: “I’m not going to waste my time and drive to a restaurant where no one answered the phone! My time is valuable.”

    Me: *losing patience* “Clearly.”

    Caller: “Look, I don’t see why this is so difficult. Just send someone down there to see if they’re open. It’s not like you’re working today.”

    Me: “Actually, we are working. Our restaurant is open today.”

    Caller: “Oh, do you have any specials?”

    Me: “…”

    Picky Python

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A lady comes in with an 8-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

    Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

    Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

    Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

    Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

    Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

    Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served, unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

    Customer: “You’re crazy!”

    Me: *calling to manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

    Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

    Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

    Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

    Me: “…”

    Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

    Customer: “I’m going across the street, and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

    (We never saw her again.)

    Eau De Customer

    | Gilford, NH, USA |

    (This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecians in the summer. Usually, they’re a bit standoffish, but polite. This time, not so much.)

    Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

    Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

    Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

    Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

    Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

    Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

    Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

    A Match Made In Size 7

    , | Toronto, ON, Canada | Awesome Customers

    (A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

    Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

    Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

    (I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

    Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

    Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

    Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

    Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

    (Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

    Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

    Man: “We don’t live together.”

    Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

    Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

    (The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

    Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

    Man: “Or else what?”

    Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”

    Man: “… Okay.”

    Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

    (The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

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