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    It’s Pr0ning LOLcats And Blogs

    , | Ohio, USA |

    (I was teaching a 60 year-old or so guy how to use the internet.)

    Customer: “So… I can search for… ANYTHING?”

    Me: “Anything.”

    Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

    Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

    Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

    Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

    Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

    (The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

    Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

    (Enjoy your porn, Gary.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    It’s Just Like Disneyland, But With Funny Accents

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (At a fairly new nice french restaurant. Chef comes to dining area to interact with the customers; he has an obvious French accent.)

    Chef: “Hi ladies, how was everything?”

    Customer: “The food was delicious. Where did you learn to cook?”

    Chef: “Well, I was born in France and went to school there.”

    Customer: “Really? Do you speak French? I mean, I know everyone in Europe speaks English, but do you know French?”

    Chef: *walks away disgusted*

    Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    (A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

    Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

    Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

    Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

    Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

    Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

    Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

    Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

    Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

    Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

    Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

    Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

    (She came back.)

    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    | Boston, MA, USA | Top

    (I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

    Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

    Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

    Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

    Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

    Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

    Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

    Me: “No, no you can’t!”

    Existential Dilemmas

    | Piscataway, NJ, USA |

    Me: “Hi, Ms. B***’s office.”

    Caller: “Hi, is Ms. B*** in today?”

    Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?”

    Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?!”

    Related:
    Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown


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