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    Always Right, Unless There’s Not Enough Light

    | Harare, Zimbabwe |

    (Note: this story takes place at a bank in Zimbabwe.)

    Teller: “Good morning sir, how may I help you?”

    Me: “Good morning, please may I withdraw 100 billion?”

    (This is about 1 US dollar.)

    Teller: “I’m very sorry sir, but we do not have enough sun.”

    Me: “What!?”

    Teller: “We cannot give you money because we do not have enough sun.”

    Me: “Why do you need sun to give me money?”

    Teller: “Oh, we are having a power cut, and the solar panel isn’t receiving enough sun to run the computers.”

    Me: *laughs* “Thank you very much for the best excuse, ever.”

    Teller: “You’re welcome sir, have a good day.”

    Fighting Fire With Fire

    | Belgium | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

    Father: *beaming* “No.”

    Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”

    Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

    (I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

    Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

    Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”

    Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

    Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

    Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

    Customer 3: “Hold on…”

    (The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

    Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

    Father: *still beaming* “No.”

    Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

    Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

    Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

    (At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

    Father: “You’re lying.”

    Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

    (One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

    Well Whadya Know, It’s Working Now

    | Peoria, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “My phone service isn’t working.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll see what I can do. What wireless company do you have?”

    Customer: “I don’t have wireless.”

    Me: “… I’m not sure I’m following you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What’s not to follow? I said my PHONES AREN’T WORKING!”

    Me: “Okay, but in order to assist you, I need to know what service you have.”

    Customer: “AT&T.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t contract AT&T wireless in the store.”

    Customer: “Look, lady, it’s not WIRELESS. My HOME PHONES aren’t working, and I can’t get a hold of my son and I’m worried. The service has been on the fritz all day. I need you to FIX IT!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t fix your home phone service. You’ll have to call your provider.”

    Customer: “What are you, stupid? I bought the phone from you!”

    (She probably had bought the telephone through us, because we sell some made by/for AT&T. But we don’t do the service at all.)

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do the service. We are just the phone retailer. Is there something wrong with the phone itself?”

    Customer: “NO. It works fine, but I can’t actually CALL anywhere. Now, I need this FIXED. I’ve been without a phone all day, every phone in the house is messed up, and I can’t call my SON. I don’t have a phone at ALL! Do you understand?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I do, but like I said, we have nothing to do with your service. We just sell the PHONES. You have to call AT&T to see what’s wrong with your service.”

    Customer: “And just how am I supposed to do that, smarty-pants? I DON’T have a PHONE that WORKS!”

    Me: “With all due respect, ma’am, how did you call US?”

    Customer: “B*tch.” *click*

    Fowl Behavior, Part 2

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (At the deli where I work, every couple hours I cook up between 12 and 20 whole chickens. They’re kept in the hot holding cabinet for customers to grab.)

    Customer: “I need ten.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “These whole chickens. I need ten of them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s all we have, because we’re closing soon.”

    Customer: *rolls her eyes and takes absolutely everything left out of the holding cabinet*

    (Another customer approaches me soon afterward.)

    Another customer: “Excuse me, that lady just grabbed a chicken out of my hands, claiming it was hers. Will there be any more?”

    (Yes, that’s right. The first lady was going around taking chickens from other customers. Unbelievable.)

    Related:
    Fowl Behavior

    The Art Of Persuasion

    | New Hampshire, USA |

    (This is on one of the busiest days we’ve ever had. We literally had to stop letting people into the park)

    Guest: “Why can’t I go into the park?! I drove here from Cape Cod!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the general manager said we’re not allowed to let anyone else in. We’re at capacity.”

    Guest: “Why can’t I go in now? There are a ton of people leaving!”

    Me: “There are a few things, sir. The general manager said we can’t allow anyone else in, we have weather coming which might halt operations, and even if we let you in, you honestly wouldn’t have fun. There are a ton of people in there.”

    Guest: “I DROVE HERE FROM CAPE COD! YOU HAVE TO LET ME AND MY FAMILY IN!”

    Me: “Sir, your options are you can stay here and complain to me about not being let in, or I can let you in, and you can pay $35 to complain to me that there are too many people inside the park. How’s that?”

    Guest: “On second thought, I’ll just go to the beach.”


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