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    More Than A Few Crossed Wires

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, can you tell me how to get to your store? I’m coming from the north end of the city.”

    Me: “OK, you’ll need to head south on 14th Street–”

    Caller: “Whoa whoa whoa… slow down, you’re going too fast.”

    Me: “OK, sorry. You will need to head south–”

    Caller: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice! Now explain it to me like a civil human being, and tell me how to get to your f***ing store!”

    Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am. If you just head south–”

    Caller: “What in God’s name is wrong with you? All I want to do is get to your f***ing store so I can get some f***ing music! Is that so d*** much to ask for? Look young lady, I just got out of brain surgery and I can’t deal with your bulls*** right now. You need to talk slowly to me. OK, forget it, you’re wasting my time. I’ll find my way there myself! *hangs up*

    Ed Begley Jr. Starts To Cut Back

    | Brookfield, WI, USA |

    Me: “Would you like paper or plastic?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’d like one of those nice canvas bags, please.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, one of those reusable canvas bags. Like the ones that she’s got!” *points to the next customer in line*

    Me: “Uh, well, we don’t have those here, unfortunately. All we’ve got is paper or plastic. If you want a canvas bag, you’d have to buy one and bring it yourself.”

    Customer: “What a load of crap! Why should I want to save the environment if I have to pay to do it?!”

    Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

    Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

    Me: “Uhh…no.”

    Caller: “What about mongooses?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Dogs?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

    Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

    Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

    This Is Why We Have Self-Checkout Lanes

    | Portage, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Put that bread in the bag.”

    Coworker: “I don’t want to break it…

    (The grocery bags are already very full.)

    Customer: “No, it’s CRUSTY!”

    (The customer rushes over, grabs it, and STUFFS it into the bag, totally crushing it.)

    Customer: “See? It didn’t break! Can you make the bags more even?”

    (My coworker takes out some of the groceries and evenly weights the bags.)

    Customer: “No, make them more evenly weighted!”

    Coworker: “I just did…”

    Customer: “NO, NOW IT’S NOT FAIR TO ALL OF THE OTHER BAGS!”

    (The customer grabs her bags and literally runs out of store.)

    Death By Citrus

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A bar patron pulls out an orange from his pocket and proceeds to pull out a knife that he starts cutting it open to eat it. Bear in nmind, I’m a bouncer, so this doesn’t exactly fly.)

    Me: “Can I see that real fast?”

    Bar patron: “What? Yeah!” *hands me the orange*

    Me: “No, the other thing.”

    Bar patron: “Yeah, I said you can have some of my orange, man.”

    Me: “Here, I’ll trade you. You give me the knife, and I keep your orange.”

    Bar patron: “Deal!”

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