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    No Debit, But Plenty of Loonies

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (At the gas station where I work, a young woman staggers in drunk and tries to buy a bag of chips on debit.)

    Me: “Okay, that will be $1.35 on debit.”

    (The customer picks up the pin pad and proceeds to swipe a quarter through the slot.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “That’s a quarter.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know. For some reason it won’t work. Is this thing turned on?”

    Me: “But… that’s… that’s not a debit card. Do you have a debit card?”

    Customer: “I’m TRYING! But it won’t work!”

    Me: “It’s plastic? Kinda rectangle shaped? Has your bank name on it?”

    Customer: “Why won’t it work?”

    Me: “You know what? I don’t think that one is working. Do you have another one? Sometimes these machines won’t like a card for no real reason. It happens.”

    Customer: “Oh ya? I get that at my work too…”

    (She proceeds to put away the quarter and pulls out a loonie instead.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I see the problem now. All of our card systems are down. They must have crashed with all the people buying things today. Do you have cash instead?”

    Customer: “Sure, no problem.” *pulls out 20 dollar bill* “Keep the change. It’s only a few dollars anyway. I don’t want it….”

    Me: “Sure, thanks!”

    (She wanders off to pass out in the bathroom for 3 hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to call the cops on her.)

    Right Next To The Special Chinese Gefeltifish

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    Customer: “Miss, I need some ranch for my crab rangoon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, we don’t serve ranch here.”

    Customer: “What kind of g**d**ned Chinese restaurant doesn’t have ranch? What? You don’t have barbeque sauce either?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. I’m very sorry. I could walk down to the pizza place next door and get you a container of ranch.”

    Customer: “NO! I WANT YOUR SPECIAL CHINESE RANCH!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not serve ‘special Chinese ranch.’ I’m very sorry, but like I said, I ca–”

    Customer: “WHATEVER, YOU G**D**NED C**T!” *storms out*

    My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

    Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

    Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

    Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

    Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

    Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

    Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

    Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “My left boob popped.”

    Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

    Customer: “The water kind.”

    Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

    Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

    Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

    Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

    Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

    Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

    Me: “… A diode?”

    Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

    Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

    Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

    Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

    Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

    Customer: *click*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Bonus Points If He Manages To Tie His Shoes

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

    Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “Where are you located?”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

    Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

    Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

    Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

    Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

    Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

    Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

    Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

    Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Huh?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*

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