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    I Hear Santa Has The Same Issue

    | Arizona, USA |

    (I work in a call center where we take reservations for a Christmas event.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “My wife has a severe phobia of midgets. Will the elves be actual little people?”

    Me: “The people dressed as elves are normal sized, but I can’t guarantee any of the patrons won’t be midgets.”

    May I Recommend A Good Crime Drama While I Have You?

    | Kern County, CA, USA |

    (90% of the calls the bookstore receives are to ask our hours, check stock, or to ask when a book will be released. With that in mind, the phone rings one afternoon.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to know a release date.”

    Me: “Sure, what is the title?”

    Customer: *gives a strange number, not the type bookstores use*

    Me: “What? Is that a title?”

    (The customer gives the number again, and I am not finding anything like it in the computer database.)

    Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

    Customer: “A release date! I need to know when my son will be released.”

    (It’s then that I realize she means Booking, not Books.)

    Me: “Uh, we’re a book store.”

    Customer: “What number is this?”

    Me: *gives the store phone number*

    Customer: “I didn’t call that number.” *hangs up*

    Invasion Of The Spacey Wedding Guests

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A young woman wanders up to the bridal registry counter, her eyes and mouth wide open in amazement. She is alone – no cell phone or bluetooth headset in sight.)

    Me: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Wow! You know why I’m here?!”

    Me: “…I don’t know why you’re here, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

    Customer: *aside* “HOLD ON MOM!” *to me* “I need Emily’s registry.”

    Me: “I have more then one Emily in the system…do you know her last name, or the groom’s name?”

    Customer: “More then one Emily? WOW! His name is Rocco!”

    Me: “I don’t have an Emily and a Rocco….”

    (The customer grabs my computer screen so she can see, and points at an e-mail address on the screen.)

    Customer: “Rockinred@***.com – THAT’S HIM!!”

    Me: “That’s his e-mail address, not his name. His name is Richard.”

    Customer: “THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL HIM! HOLD ON, MOM!”

    Me: “Okay, he goes by his e-mail address. That’ll be right up for you.”

    (Customer wanders off, staring at nearby shiny objects.)

    It Was Either That Or Get Shocked By The Kite Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | History

    Customer: “I need a biography of Benjamin Franklin.”

    Me: *I take him to the history section* “Here’s his autobiography.”

    Customer: “That means he wrote it himself, right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

    Customer: *eyes widening* “They could do that back then?”

    If You Control Your Movements Enough, Then Yes

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I approach a lady looking at a particular paint being advertised as good for faux painting techniques.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, does this paint come with the stripes in it?”

    Me: “Um… you mean, if you paint the wall with that paint, will
    stripes magically appear?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: *stifling laughter* “No.”

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