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    Be Sure They Turn Left At The Bering Strait

    | Utah, USA |

    (A man calls in and leaves the following voicemail…)

    Caller: “Hello, you shysters! You have forty-eight hours to call me or I’ll have the RCMP come and arrest you for fraud. That’s right, the Mounties are coming!”

    Me, to manager: “So, a man is going to have the Mounties arrest me.”

    Manager: “Really. Can they do that?”

    Me: “Not in Utah.”

    Manager: *laughs*

    Me: “It gets better. I gave him the support number and the only people answering phones are in Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to see him sic the Mounties on THEM.”

    Manager: “Let me know if he does!”

    Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

    | Winchester, KY, USA |

    (I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***, are you experiencing a breakdown?”

    Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

    Me: “Ok, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

    Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

    Me: “Alright, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

    Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

    Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

    Trucker: “… a dead one.”

    Cow Skulls For The Numbskulls

    , | Tennessee, USA |

    (A couple from up north comes into our tourist shop.)

    Female Customer: “Oh look, honey!”

    Husband: “Oh, wow!”

    Female Customer: *points to little ceramic cow skull* “Ooh, could I see that?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    Female Customer: “Ooh, this is sooo pretty! What do you call them?”

    Me: “Well, I call them ‘cow skulls.’”

    Female Customer: “Ohhh, honey! She says they’re called “cow skulls”!

    Please Don’t Pet The Employees

    | Dublin, Ireland |

    Customer: “Wow! you look so much like that guy!”

    Me: “Um…what guy, ma’am?”

    Customer: “You know! That rocker guy with that daughter and son.”

    Me: “Do you mean Ozzy Osbourne?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That guy.” *pauses* “You have such a great skin!”

    (The customer begins to grab my face.)

    Me: *starts pulling away* “Uh…ma’am, can you please stop touching my face?”

    Customer: “Why? Come back!”

    Manager: *coming out of his office* “Ma’am, please leave my store and stop harassing my staff!”

    Customer: “But…why can’t I touch his face?”

    Manager: “Out!”

    Related:
    Please Don’t Titillate The Employees
    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    You Say Vacation, I Say D**nation

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    Me: “Do you need some help?”

    Young Teen: “Yes, I’m looking for a book on a country.”

    Me: “Do you want a travel guide, or a book about the history of the country?

    Teen: “A travel guide, I guess. It’s for school.”

    Me: “OK, then. Where would you like a travel guide to?”

    Teen: “Hades.”

    Me:“…you mean, Haiti?”

    Teen: “Yeah, I guess that’s the way we say it here.”

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