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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • It’s Called Healthyitis

    | Maine, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is Megan. What is your call regarding?”

    Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

    Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

    Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

    Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

    Patient: “Actually, none.”

    Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

    Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

    If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

    | San Jose, CA | Top

    (Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing by dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

    Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

    Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

    Me: “Haha, yeah.”

    (Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

    Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

    (As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

    Customer: “Oh my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”

    Great Benefits: Medical, 401k & A Crystal Ball

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

    Me: “Well, that depends – does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

    Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

    Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

    (I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

    Customer: “So you think she would like these?”

    Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

    Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

    Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

    Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

    Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

    Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt, I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

    Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, they should!”

    (She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.

    Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

    Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s…”

    Many Hats, But An Empty Head

    | Lawrence, MA |

    (We were having a sale on used DVDs. The price reductions were delayed in the computer system download, so we had to re-price every item manually. A customer came up with several used movies for purchase.)

    Me: “All right sir, your total is $249.75.”

    Customer: “What? Did you miss some? I added it up, it should be more.”

    Me: *after checking* “No, sir. We’re in the middle of doing our price changes, so all the movies you have that are marked $12.99 each are actually marked down to $9.99 each.”

    Customer: “What? That’s illegal. The price sticker has to have the correct price on it.”

    Me: “Sir, as I said, we’re in the process of re-stickering all of the DVDs. The 25 movies you’re buying are actually cheaper than you thought they would be.”

    Customer: “But they’re priced wrong. That’s illegal.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you we are doing nothing illegal, and if you’d like–”

    Customer: “It is illegal, I’M A LAWYER!”

    Me: “OK…I can adjust the price so that the movies are all $12.99 instead of $9.99 if you’re really angry about saving $75.00. Is that what you want me to do?”

    Customer: “Well, no.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do then?”

    Customer: “I think I should get some free movies.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any free movies.”

    Customer: “I’m a lawyer. It’s illegal. You need to give me 5 free movies or I’m calling the authorities.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you anything for free. As it is, you thought the price of these DVDs was much more than it turned out to be, so you’re already getting a deal…”

    Customer: “I don’t care. This is horrible service! This is no way to run a business. If I ran my restaurant this way, I’d be out of business!”

    Me: “So, are you a lawyer or a restauranteur?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Would you like to pay for the movies, or would you like me to cancel the sale?”

    Customer: *hands over credit card*

    First Ocean To The Right, Then Straight On ‘Til Drowning

    | Vancouver Island, Canada |

    Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

    Man: “What’s the quickest way to get to Hawaii?”

    Me: “…probably via Vancouver International Airport.”

    Man: “What?”

    Me: “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not actually a travel agent. I can put you in touch with someone who can book you a flight–”

    Man: “I don’t wanna fly there! I could’ve done that from Seattle! I’m going to drive.”

    Me: “Over more than twenty-five hundred miles of ocean?”

    Man: “You can’t fool me. I know it’s not that far. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly there through the Canadian part of America.”

    Me: “…no, Canada’s not–”

    Man: “I’m gonna report you for being unhelpful, missy. Now give me god**** directions to Hawaii if you don’t want your a** fired.”

    Me: “Turn left on to any pier you come across, and then drive straight on – you’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry about the water. You can probably sue for damages.”

    (Amazingly, he left, perfectly happy with my directions to essentially drown himself.)

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