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    Without A Cake The Birthday Boy Will Be In Tiers

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    Me: “Oh, hi. Welcome to [Bakery]. What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order a 3 tiered cake for my son’s birthday party.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. We have a design book on that table behind you where you could look at some possible designs.”

    Customer: “Okay. How long would it take you to make the cake?”

    Me: “Well it depends. If you get a simple design you might be able to pick it up by tomorrow afternoon, but if you get a more complicated design it make take 3 to 4 days.”

    Customer: “Oh. That’s not gonna work for me.”

    Me: “Why? What’s the problem?”

    (The customer’s son runs inside the bakery.)

    Customer’s son: “Dad, come on! The party starts in an hour!”

    Logic Board Illogic

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Me: “Hello, this is ***.”

    Caller: “I want to get my money back on a laptop I bought.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Caller: “Nothing’s wrong. My mom won’t let me put internet on my laptop, so I don’t want it anymore.”

    Me: “I don’t give refunds. My warranty only covers breaks.”

    Caller: “So, if I break it you will give me my money back?”

    Pay The Price And Face The Music

    | Langley, BC, Canada | Books & Reading, Musical Mayhem

    (A customer is placing an order for sheet music over the phone.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need books.”

    Me: “What are you looking for?”

    (The customer lists off three more items, all of which need to be ordered).

    Me: “I can order those for you. However, the store requires a full deposit on sheet music orders.”

    Customer: “Okay. How much is the last book? The Three Sonatas?”

    (The Three Sonatas is a collection of various sonatas by a specific composer.)

    Me: “$34.95.”

    Customer: “I just need one, though.”

    Me: “Unfortunately they’re not printed separately. It’s only available in this collection.”

    Customer: “It’s too expensive.”

    Me: “Then you don’t want me to order it?”

    Customer: “I need it.”

    Me: “So I’ll order it.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “I need it. But you give me a discount.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “You order book. I’ll cut out the music I want, and pay discount.”

    Never Judge A DVD By Its Cover

    | USA | Books & Reading, Movies & TV

    Customer: “Hey, what movie did that other customer just turn in?”

    Me:Book of Eli. Would you like to rent it?”

    Customer: “A book? No, I don’t want no book. I hate reading!”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. Book of Eli is the title of the movie.”

    Customer: “I don’t like books.”

    Customer’s friend: “It’s not a book, it’s a movie.”

    Customer: “Well, I bet it’s based on a book, and I hate books!”

    Death By A-Salt

    | Ontario, Canada | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners, Top

    Customer: “I checked your flyer and it said that [Major Brand] margarine was on sale this week.”

    Me: “I don’t believe so, but I will check our flyer to see.”

    (As I’m flipping through the pages she stops when she sees an advertisement for a sale.)

    Customer: “See, right there. It says save $2.98.”

    Me:”I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says save $2.98 when you buy [Company Brand] Margarine, not [Major Brand].”

    Customer: “Oh, well my husband needs the salt-free kind, and [Company Brand] doesn’t make a salt-free.”

    Me: “Well that’s not the one that’s on sale.”

    Customer: “Well he needs a salt-free kind.”

    Me: “Well, then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand] one.”

    Customer: “But it’s not on sale, and he needs a salt-free.”

    Me: “Yes, I heard you ma’am, but if [Company Brand], doesn’t make a salt free margarine, then you will have to buy the [Major Brand].”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. My husband needs a salt-free margarine. If he has a normal margarine, it will spike his sodium and he’ll die.”

    Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand].”

    Customer: “But it’s not on sale.”

    Me: “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “You really don’t care anything about my husband’s health, do you? You don’t care that he could die so easily do you?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s not that I don’t care. You can buy the salt-free [Major Brand].”

    Customer: “But that margarine isn’t on sale! You are just going to stand there and murder my husband!”

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