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    Quantity Does Not Equal Quality

    | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi – could you send me one of your free connection CDs?”

    Me: “Sure!”

    (I pull up her account and see that she’s already ordered 50 copies.)

    Me: “Uh, ma’am? It seems you’ve already requested several CDs. Is there a reason you need another?”

    Customer: “Well, yes! I used up the other CDs already.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can re-use the CDs. Have you been throwing them away?”

    Customer: “No. I put them into the little slot and they just slide in, and the computer keeps them. I thought it was like a bus ticket!”

    (I recommended that she go to a local repair shop. They in turn removed almost 100 CDs from the inside of her case.)

    Allergy Season Nightmare

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

    Me: “OK, what’s your account number?”

    Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

    Me: “No Ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

    Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s ***.”

    Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

    Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

    Me: “OK, it’s coming up now…”

    Customer: *sneezes*

    (About 10 seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…”

    (I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

    Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

    Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

    Customer: “YES YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”


    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F***ING HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

    Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”


    Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

    Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

    Getting Your Priorities Straight, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (A customer comes in with four very young kids.)

    Customer: “Does [R-rated police drama] have any nudity in it?”

    Me: “No, but it’s incredibly violent.”

    Customer: “…but there’s no sex or nudity, right?”

    Me: “No, it’s just really violent and bloody.”

    Customer: “I’ll have one adult and four kids, please!”

    Related: Getting Your Priorities Straight

    Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ

    , | Wisconsin, USA |

    (Our restaurant is in walking distance of an assisted living center so many of regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

    Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

    Special Needs Adult: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

    (An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

    Customer: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

    Special Needs Adult: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

    Customer: “Oh my god!”

    Me: “So if I got this right you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

    Special Needs Adult: “Yes, that’s right!”

    Me: “You know what I think you need? A high five!”

    Special Needs Adult: “You know I do!”

    (I high five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high five.)

    Customer: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

    Now That’s What I Call Customer Service

    | Florida, USA |

    (A customer used to come into the store about once or twice a month. She walks up to the new releases, and then proceeds into the center of the store where we don’t have many security cameras and stuffs the movies into her purse. We knew she had been doing it for quite some time, but we legally aren’t allowed to stop her. However, we got a new manager.)

    Me: “Just leave her alone, she’ll be gone soon.”

    Manager: “Watch this.”

    (The manager walks up to the woman as she finishes stuffing the movies into her purse.)

    Manager: *smiling* “Good evening, ma’am, can I help you steal anything else today?”

    (The customer goes white and runs out of store. She never shows up again.)

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