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    Slightly Better Than The Answer To Life, The Universe And Everything

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “I want to buy some lottery tickets.”

    Me: “Okay. Which game, and how many?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to give away my secret plan!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t tell me what you want, I can’t sell you the appropriate ticket. I need to know what you want to get it for you.”

    (There’s a long pause during which she just blinks at me and the clerks behind me.)

    Customer: “… oh. Well, I’ll take two Super Lottos, then…”

    I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Top

    (The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night the kid’s mother found me.)

    Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl Alice that was working last night!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I am.”

    Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I was here for that.”

    Mom: “Well, the police told me a girl named Alice told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

    Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

    Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

    Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

    Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

    Mom: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

    Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “Well, sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

    Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

    Me: “You might be a while ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

    Shoplift And Drag And Haul Away

    | Georgia, USA |

    (Furniture stores typically require the sales staff to discretely follow customers in order to be on hand if there are any questions.)

    Me: “Welcome to *** Furniture.¬†Do you see anything you like?”

    Customer: “What’s that supposed to mean? What, you think I’m gonna take something? I got money.¬†I ain’t gotta steal nothing from your store.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I was just checking to see if you needed any help. I didn’t think you were trying to take anything.”

    Customer: “I ain’t no shoplifter. I said I got money. What, you think I’m gonna try to take something outta here?”

    Me:¬†”It’s a furniture store, ma’am. If you can fit a loveseat in your pocket, you’re welcome to it.”

    Customer Of The Week: It’s The Icons

    | USA | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: It's The Icons
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story:
    When Nomenclature Goes Amok

    Airheaded

    | Orange County, CA, USA |

    (A man and his girlfriend are standing towards the front of the line to board an airplane. I’m a passenger who overhears their conversation.)

    Airline employee: “We are now boarding numbers 1 through 30.”

    (The man begins to walk away, but his girlfriend stays put.)

    Girlfriend: “Where are you going?”

    Man: “They called numbers 1 through 30.”

    Girlfriend: “But my number is 6!”


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