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    Either That, Or Like Eeyore

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m recording a group of 15 year-old rappers.)

    Me: “Do you like the way that sounds?”

    Rapper: “Yo, can you make me sound like, um… like a maaaaan?”

    Me: “Um… I’m not really sure I know what you mean.”

    Rapper: “Like, I wanna sound like a big man, ya know?”

    Me: “Hrm. Okay, let’s try this…” *I lower the pitch of his vocals a bit* …”like that?”

    Rapper: “Yeah! Perfect, now I sound all strong!”

    Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

    Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

    Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

    Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

    Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

    Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

    Me: “Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

    Only The Undead Ones

    | Georgia |

    (Our store is in a mall, but instead of having the gates like most stores, we have big glass doors. Th mall closes at 9 pm; at 9:30 pm, a customer comes up to the door.)

    Customer: *pulls at the door, then knocks*

    Employee: *goes over to the door and unlocks it*

    Customer: “Are ya’ll closed?”

    Employee: “Yes, and so is every other store in this mall.”

    Customer: “Why? Ya’ll should stay open at night. Ain’t that when your customers come out?”

    The Only Thing That Didn’t Arrive Is Your Brain

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Hello, I see you opened a PayPal dispute for this item. It looks like your item was delivered, as shown by the delivery confirmation number. ”

    Customer: “I would like a refund. This item didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: “All custom orders, like your ring, are shipped to be received within 14 business days from the date of purchase. It looks like your item arrived a day or so outside of that timeline. I’m sorry it was delayed in transit, but I’m happy that it wasn’t lost in the
    mail and did arrive safely! If you have any further questions, I’d be happy to help.”

    Customer: “This didn’t arrive in a timely matter. I’d like a refund.”

    Me: “If you’d like to return the ring, you can do so within 7 days from the date you received your purchase. If you wish to do so, please return the ring to the address on the package, and please include the receipt.”

    Customer: “I’d like a refund for this item, because it didn’t arrive in a timely manner. I like the ring, I just want a refund.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to accept a return on this item. Please send it, as I mentioned above, to the address on the package within the next 7 days.”

    Customer: “I like the ring, I just want a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t issue a refund unless you send back the ring.”

    Customer: “But it didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry you’re unhappy with the length of time the USPS took to deliver your package. I’m more than happy to issue a refund for your purchase price if you send the ring back to me.”

    Customer: “I want to keep the ring, and I want a refund. It didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

    Me: *wants to die*

    Maybe They’re Having A Pow Wow At Starbucks

    | Tahlequah, OK, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Coworker: “Yes, may I help you?”

    Customer:¬†”I just wanted to say how disappointed I am with your town!”

    Coworker: “Okay, why is that?”

    Customer: “I haven’t seen an Indian! This is suppose to be Cherokee Nation, and I haven’t seen one Indian! We came all the way down here from Illinois and wanted to see Indians!”

    Coworker: “Come again?”

    Customer: “All we’ve seen are normal people! We want to see Indians!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, they dress and look just like the rest of us.¬†If you want to see reenactments, you need to go to Tsa-La-Gi outside town.”

    Customer: “They don’t dress like that all the time?”

    Coworker: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What about teepees?”

    Coworker: “That’s plains Indians, ma’am, and no. They don’t live in teepees.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *mutters while walking away* “… came to see Indians and all we get are regular people…”


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