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    Speak For Yourself, Part 2

    , | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, do you carry [garbled]? It’s a spice.”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, this is a retail clothing store.”

    Caller: “So, you don’t have it?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, you may have dialed the wrong number.”

    Caller: “I did NOT dial wrong. ¬†I looked you up in the phone book and this IS the right number, so just tell me if you have it!”

    Me: “We do not.”

    Caller: “What spices do you carry?”

    Me: “We don’t carry spices. We only carry women’s clothing.”


    Speak For Yourself

    Please Do Not Manhandle The Employees

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s very busy at the grocery store, so I hop on cash and take the first customer who walks by. Another customer in the lane behind me grabs my arm and wrenches me around so I am facing her.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, did you just open that cash to serve that customer?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s very busy right now.”

    Customer: “Idiot! When you open a cash you take the first customer in the other line, not the last!”

    (Keep in mind this customer has already unloaded her items in a different lane.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am… as you can see, it’s very busy right now and I just took the first customer I saw.”

    Customer: “Well! That’s very poor customer service!”

    (She grabs my arm and physically turns me around so I’m facing my original customer again. I continue with their order.)

    Customer: “No! I’m not done!”

    (She grabs my arm again and turns me around to face her.)

    Customer: “What is your name?! I’m going to talk to your manager! Call him down here now!”

    Me: “I’ll call the duty manager right away.”

    Customer: “No! I want the STORE Manager! Call him down here now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but he’s gone home for the evening.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’m coming back here at 9:00 tomorrow morning, and I expect you to be here too so we can meet with your manager about your terrible customer service!”

    Me: “Okay! You’ll be here at 9? How about we meet at the police station at 10, and we can meet with them about the bruises you just gave me?” *rolls up sleeve to show the red marks*

    Customer: “I… uh…”

    (She grabs my arm one last time and turns me back to my cash. I finish her order and she rushes out of the store.)

    Next Up: Watching Paint Dry

    | Sudbury, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Welcome to *** tech support. How can I help you this morning?”

    Caller: “I keep getting pop-ups to update my computer, but I don’t have internet. I don’t want internet.”

    Me: “Alright. I can show you how to turn off the notifications.” *shows customer*

    Caller: “Thanks. Now, how do I know if my computer is working?”

    Me: “Do you see any error messages?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s test it out. Can you open a program for me?”

    Caller: ¬†”Um, I don’t know how to do that.”

    Me: “So, you don’t use the computer to play music, games, or to use the word processor?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “What do you use your computer for?”

    Caller: “Well, I just watch it to see what it does.”

    Me: “Oh… is it doing anything right now?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Then thank you for calling **** tech support. Have a good morning.” *click*


    | Kennewick, WA, USA |

    Customer: “How much is a large popcorn and large drink?”

    Me: “That would come to $11.50.”

    Customer: “S***! That’s f***ing highway robbery, man! How do you sleep at night?”

    Me: “Sir, I work on my feet for 8-hour shifts at minimum wage. I don’t even buy concessions at the movies because they’re so freaking expensive and they don’t pay me enough here to turn around and spend my paycheck back on them.”

    Customer: “Good point. I’ll have a medium popcorn and medium soda, please.”

    Me: “Would you like to up-size those to larges for just 50 cents each?”

    Blue Haired Drug Pushers

    , | Boston, MA, USA |

    (One evening, an elderly irish woman, complete with white hair, a cane, and a heavy accent, comes up to the photo counter to pick up some pictures she dropped off earlier.)

    Customer: “I would like to have a discount on these photos I just printed. Can you give me 5 of the 20 for free?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we really can’t do that.”

    Customer: “I’ll give you some perks.”

    Me: “Perks?”

    Customer: “Percs. You know… percs.”

    (Customer reaches out to shake my hand and places 3 pills in it.)

    Customer: “Those are good percs, I know you’ll like them!”

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