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    Seriously, It’s Just A Joke

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I am loading guests onto boats at my ride, on which everybody gets wet and all seats are red, when my boss makes a joke over the intercom.)

    Boss: “If you’re in a red seat, you will get wet. The red seats are the wet seats. The blue seats are the dry seats.”

    Guest: “I’d like a blue seat, please.”

    Me: (gesturing at the boat) “All the seats are red.”

    Guest: “But I don’t want to get wet.”

    Me: “This is a water ride. You will get wet.”

    Guest: “Not in a blue seat. He just said.”

    Me: “He was making a joke. See? All the seats are red.”

    Guest: “Okay.” *pause* “Which seats are the dry seats, then?”

    Setting The Wrong Tone

    | Chattanooga, TN, USA | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling [copier company], can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to order some toner for my copier.”

    Me: “Okay, is this for a black and white machine or a color machine?”

    Caller: “Well, the machine is kind of cream-colored…”

    Self-Diservice Checkout

    | Sheffield, UK | At The Checkout

    (A customer is getting frustrated at the self-checkout.)

    Customer: *shouting* “Miss! Miss!”

    Me: *with another customer* “One minute, please, I’m helping this lady right now.”

    Customer: *goes red in the face* “Miss!”

    Me: “Give me a minute, please. I’ll come to you next.”

    (The angry customer starts swearing and hitting the machine. The customer I am working with politely offers to wait while I go to the other customer. I apologize and go to the angry customer.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “The stupid machine stopped working!”

    Me: “An item you have scanned isn’t on the metal bagging pad. Mind if I take a look?”

    Customer: *grunts*

    (I find that all but three items of a 30+ item shop has not been scanned. I explain the situation.)

    Customer: “Oh God, no! I can’t do all this again!”

    Me: “No problem! I’ll just put it all through for you.”

    Customer: “No! It won’t save me any money that way!”

    Me: “You don’t save any money with self-scan checkouts. I mean, you still pay for it all.”

    Customer: “This is stupid! I shouldn’t have to pay for it all if I’m doing your job for you!”

    Can’t See The Wood In The Trees

    | Dallas, TX, USA | At The Checkout

    ( I am ringing up a customer. I pick up a plastic bag and hold it up.)

    Me: “Do you need a bag?”

    Customer: “No, thanks. I’ll save a tree.”

    Me: *jokingly* “Yeah, those plastic trees are really endangered.”

    Customer: *looking shocked and worried* “They are?!”

    When Funding Is Poultry

    | Miami, FL, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, can I have the chicken salad without chicken?”

    Me: “Uh, you mean a regular salad?”

    Customer: “No. I want the chicken salad without the chicken.”

    Me: “Ma’am, a chicken salad without the chicken is just a salad.”

    Customer: *stares blankly* “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “There’s no chicken.”

    *customer stares blankly*

    Me: “It’s cheaper?”

    Customer: “Okay! I’ll have that!”

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