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    Maybe Microsoft Makes Them

    | California, USA |

    (A customer has no power to a CD-ROM drive and has a disc stuck inside.)

    Me: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. You need to find yourself a paperclip and unbend it a bit, so you have something to stick in the little hole next to the volume dial.”

    Customer: “So… a paperclip, you say? Can I order that from you? I’m not sure what that is…”

    Terms Of Endearment

    | Arizona, USA |

    (I work for an internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. What can I do to assist you today?”

    Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. “You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

    Me: “Well sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

    Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

    Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

    (There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

    Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

    (At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

    Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

    Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get 10 of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

    Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

    Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Oh, Bite Me

    | Auckland, New Zealand |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to check my balance on my account.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Can I get your customer number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “Okay, sir. You have a balance of $513.26, and we need to get $360.00 of this paid off immediately to avoid referral to debt collection.”

    Customer: “Screw you. I’m no overstayer. Unlock my d*** account!”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t unlock the account until we’ve received some form of payment.”

    Customer: “F*** you man. I’m going to call your head office and have you deported.”

    Me: “Um, I was born in this country, so I can’t really be deported to another country. This still won’t get your account unlocked. If you can pay–”

    Customer: “Get the f***ing account turned on or I’m coming around there, and I’m going to eat you!”

    Me: “Eat… me?”

    Customer: “D*** right! I’m going to have you eaten and deported. We’re going to claim back our land and eat all you b**tards, then have you kicked out of the country!”

    Me: “Please pay your bill. I’m terminating this call.” *click*

    Welcome To Retail

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is Kevin.”

    Customer: “YOU SON OF A B****, YOU SOLD ME A DEFECTIVE MONITOR! I never in my life have had to deal with such bull s*** in my life. I don’t know what type of f***ing black magic you did to make it work at the store, but–”

    Me: “Ma’am, did you push the power button?

    Customer: “… Oh, thank you.” *click*

    Me: *sigh*

    Supervisor: “Yo dude, what’s up?”

    Me: “I need a raise…”

    As Long As It Tastes Like Chicken

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Lady: “I’d like a half pound of ham.”

    (I slice the ham, wrap it, and hand it over.)

    Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    (She opens up the package, sniffs the ham and makes a face).

    Me: “Is there something wrong with the ham?”

    Lady: “Yes. It smells very hammy.”

    Me: “Am I to understand that you’re complaining that our ham smells like ham?”

    Lady: *walks away in a huff*

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