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    | Scottsdale, AZ, USA |

    (Note: we’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Old man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… oh, here it is!”

    (He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

    Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

    (The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

    Old man: “That’s cold… where’s the toilet paper?”

    Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

    (Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened.)

    America’s Debt Crisis Explained, Part 2

    | Illinois, USA |

    Customer: “Um, this sign out here says $5.98 for a pound of turkey.”

    Me: “Well, sir, if you look at your sticker, you’ll see that it is actually $3.98 a pound this week.”

    Customer: “But, it says that it’s $5.98 a pound. You need to fix this, and you need to fix the price on my turkey.”

    Me: “Sir, the turkey is on sale this week. You got it for $3.98 a pound, instead of $5.98.”

    Customer: “Well, this is just ridiculous. You guys need to get your act straight, and you need to fix my sticker!”

    Me: “You’re getting it for cheaper.”

    Customer: *light bulb goes on* “Ohhhhhhh!”

    Related: America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

    Ah, College, Part 2

    | Iowa, USA |

    (I’m a bouncer in a college bar where you must be 21. Lots of underage people try coming in with fake IDs.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID?”

    College student: “Yeah…”

    (He hands me an ID that says he is 20.)

    Me: “Um, you are only 20.”

    College student: “Yeah, you can read a birthday! Can I go in now?”

    Me: “You have to be 21 to get in.”

    College student: “Oh… *hands me a fake ID* “…how about now?”

    Me: “Now you just lost your fake ID.”

    Related: Ah, College

    I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me Log In

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ****. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “When I try to change my password, I’m typing and it’s just making stars.”

    Me: “OK…that’s normal. It’s a security feature to prevent someone standing behind you from seeing what you’re typing.”

    Customer: “But there’s no one standing behind me…”

    Me: “…”

    Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

    | Puerto Rico | Top

    (I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

    Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

    Girl: “Okay!”

    (She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

    Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

    Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

    Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

    Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

    Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

    Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

    (The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

    Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

    Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

    (The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

    Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

    Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

    Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

    Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

    Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

    Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

    Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

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