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    Pepperoni And A Side Of Dentures, Please

    , | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

    Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

    I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil |

    (I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

    Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

    Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

    Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

    Me: “Your…what?”

    Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

    (I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

    Me: “…for what?”

    Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

    Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

    No Pink Bunnies, But Plenty Of Jackasses

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello, this is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

    Customer: “Okay, so the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

    Me: “…do you know the title, maybe?”

    Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

    Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

    Customer: “Look. Go f***ing find it. I’m very busy!”

    Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

    (Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a ‘fruity sounding’ bookseller. I’m a girl.)

    I’ll Take A Schizo With Cheese

    , | Omaha, NE, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a churro.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve churros. For desserts we have caramel apple empanadas or cinnamon twists if you want to try one of those.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want dessert! I want an enchilada!”

    Me: “You mean an enchirito?”

    (The customer pulls forward without saying anything. I ask a coworker to verify the order at the window because the guy wasn’t making sense.)

    Coworker at the window: “You ordered a beef enchirito, correct?”

    Customer: “NO! I wanted a gordita!”

    It’s A Telephone, Not a Teleporter

    | United Kingdom |

    (Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

    Me: “Your balance is *** amount into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

    Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

    Me: “From another account?”

    Her: “No from the same account.”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You needs funds from another source.”

    Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

    Me: “You mean cash?”

    Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

    Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

    Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

    Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

    (Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

    Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

    Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

    Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

    Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”


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