(Stereo)Typing With A Laptop

| West Palm Beach, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need to know how to lock my laptop. I picked it up the other day, and there were all these porn sites in the history! My son is seventeen. I told him to stop using it, but you know how they are at that age!”

(I chuckle in agreement.)

Customer: “Wait, how old are you?”

Me: “Well, I’m just a couple years older myself.”

Customer: “Well, you know what I mean!”

A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 3

| Silverdale, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like Swiss cheese, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take Provolone then.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar. It is on the sign right here.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have Swiss.”

Me: “I think we have some in back. One moment.”

(My manager takes the American cheese into the back room. He cuts holes in a few of the slices, and brings them back out.)

Me: “Here you are. Swiss cheese.”

Customer: “I knew you guys always hid some in back!”

Related:
A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 2
A Hole In Your Thinking

Definitely Not In Pittsburgh

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to me while I’m stocking the shelves. She looks distraught.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I assist you in anything?”

Customer: “Yeah. My friend said he needs some more cheeseheads at his Super Bowl party. I can’t seem to find them. I found Cheese-Its, Cheese-Nips, but no heads. Where are they?”

Me: “Cheeseheads, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a nickname for Green Bay Packers fans.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, where can I find those?”

Manly Beers Are Truly Cosmopolitan

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(The bar has 100 beers on draft and 207 in bottle. We give customers a beer menu due to the large number of beers that are constantly changing.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Can I get you started with something to drink?”

Customer: “I’d like a beer. What have you got on draft?”

Me: “Well, sir, we have 100 beers on draft. I can give you a minute to look over the menu if you like. I know there’s quite a lot to choose from.”

Customer: “I don’t want to read this. Just tell me what you got.”

Me: “I haven’t quite memorized them sir. They change almost every day. I can recommend something if you like. Or you can try one of our beers of the month.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything fruity. I’m no pansy see? What dark beers you got?”

(I list a few dark lagers, ports, and stouts. The customer and I go back and forth for a few minutes because he doesn’t recognize anything. I offer to get him samples to make the process easier.)

Customer: “Ah, forget it. I’ll just get a mojito.”

Belaboring The Flavoring

| CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “You only have 28 different flavors of ice cream. You’re supposed to have 31 flavors.”

Me: “Ah, yes. The company dropped the ‘flavors’ thing over a decade ago. Some smaller stores have as few as 16. The larger store downtown has 40 flavors. I should point out we do have four flavors of frozen yogurt as well, so that’s 32.”

Customer: *angry* “That’s false advertising! Your sign says ’31 flavors’! You’re supposed to have 31 different flavors!”

Me: “Ma’am, like I said. They dropped ‘flavors’ from the logo and signs over a decade ago. This store is less than eight years old. If you can find something that says ’31 flavors’, I will give you a quart of ice cream.”

Customer: *pointing* “Right there! Are you blind? Thir-ty-one f-l-a-v-o-r-s!”

Me: “What portion of it says ‘flavors’?”

Customer: “It’s right there! Under the 31!”

Me: “Look at the sign. Tell me what it says.”

Customer: “I don’t need to look at the d*** sign to… oh.”

(She pauses.)

Customer: “Oh. Pint of mint chip, please.”

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