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    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living, Part 2

    , | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    (Everyone I work with knows I’m gay. A customer has just paid for her order.)

    Customer: “Stop staring at my boobs!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “You heard me!”

    Me: “Lady, I was just counting the money you gave me.”

    Customer: “No, you were staring at my boobs and pretending to count the money. Let me talk to your manager right now! I’m going to get you fired!”

    (Before I can say anything, one of my male coworkers comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my chest.)

    Coworker: “I’m the manager. Are you bothering my boyfriend?”

    Customer: *takes her food and leaves*

    Coworker’s girlfriend, to me: “Hey, wanna come over tonight?”

    Related:
    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living

    But How Do They Squeeze Him Into This Tiny Little Case

    , , | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the counter with a DVD.)

    Me: “You all set?”

    Customer: “Is this a Rick James DVD?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “So you mean I can put this in my DVD player and look at Rick James!?”

    Me: “Yes, I believe that is the technology.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m gonna have to try it out, man!”

    Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

    Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

    Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

    Customer: “You married at all?”

    Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

    Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

    Me: *mouth agape*

    (Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

    Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

    Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

    Me: *mouth still agape*

    Related:
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Satan Needs The Nougat

    | Florida, USA |

    (A mother and her young son come up to me, each with their own items to buy. I finish ringing up the mother and start with the little boy.)

    Mother: *to son* “Isn’t it nice to buy your toys with your own money?”

    Son: “Yeah.”

    (The son begins to reach over the conveyor belt for some candy.)

    Mother: “Oh, you don’t need that. Put it back.”

    Me: *to the boy* “Your total is $6.66.”

    Mother: “Oh, no, no, no! Buy that candy!”

    The Free-Range Children Are Out Back

    | Cardiff, UK |

    (We are the charity for a small but state-of-the-art kids hospital, and run tours for potential donors, maximum 6 people per tour.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, **** Charity, how can I help?

    Caller: “I want to organize a visit.”

    Me: “Ok, great. What day?”

    Caller: “Next Wednesday. Now, tell me, is there somewhere they can stop and eat?”

    Me: “There’s a cafe nearby.”

    Caller: “Good. Am I right that there is an area where the patients can be petted?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Never mind – where can I park the coach?”

    Me: “…coach?”

    Caller: “Yes, we want a visit for 50 elderly people. Your representative said it was possible.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, we can only take 6 people at a time.”

    Caller: “Well, what are the rest of them going to do?!”

    Me: “Ok, can I ask who told you it was all right to bring more than 6 people?”

    Caller: “Yes! She definitely said it was all right! We had an initial talk by a lady who brought along her lovely Labrador…”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: *realizing* “This isn’t the Dogs’ Trust Hospital that I’ve called, is it?”

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