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    Time To Bring Out The Iron Maiden

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (So I had 3 tables of teenagers. Everyone seemed to understand that this restaurant was themed. We don’t let people use forks or knives, or spoons. You use your hands, end of story.)

    Male Customer: “My friend here wants to know how she eats the soup.”

    (I look to his friend, a tall dirty blonde, and sigh to myself.)

    Me: “You grab the handle of the bowl, bring it to your mouth, and then sip. Use two hands if it’s too heavy.”

    Female Customer: “Ok.”

    (She lifts bowl to her face, but instead of just going for a sip, she turns her head in on it so her nose ends up going in the soup. She flips.)

    Female Customer: “Are you sh*tting me! This is bullsh*t! I shouldn’t have to eat like this! It’s so…so–”

    Me: “Medieval.”

    (Her friends snicker.)

    Female Customer: “Yeah it is! And I think it’s unfair that I don’t get any utensils! Are you sure I can’t get a fork for my soup?”

    Me: “Wait a second, did you just say fork? I’m not sure about you but usually a spoon works better for me. Also, they don’t exist here.”

    (Everyone laughs at her.)

    Female Customer: “Fine fine, I’ll eat with my hands I guess. If you ask me it’s just stupid.”

    Me: “It’s a part of the experience.”

    Female Customer: “But maybe I don’t want the experience!”

    (And it’s moments like that, and many others, that make me wonder why anyone would waste 80 bucks for a themed restaurant, and not want the experience.)

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

    …Or Look Under “C” For Clueless

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “*** Plumbing, how can I help you?”

    Customer: Yeah, do you guys clean ducts?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t do that.”

    Customer: “Then who does do it?”

    Me: “I’m not sure but you could probably find a duct cleaning company in the phonebook.”

    Customer: “Ok, how do I do that?”

    Me: “Open the phonebook…and look for duct cleaning.”

    Customer: “Ok, what do I look under?”

    Me: *bangs head on desk* “I’m guessing the letter D might be a start…”

    Shortest. Honeymoon. Ever.

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A woman approaches me at the cash desk and pulls out a pair of underwear to return.)

    Woman: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept returns on intimate apparel.”

    Woman: “Why not? I haven’t worn it.”

    Me: “It’s against our company policy for health reasons.”

    Woman: “Well this is ridiculous! I bought these to wear on my honeymoon and I didn’t end up wearing them, so now they’re useless!”

    (The woman storms out of store, leaving the underwear on the counter.)

    Me: *wonders just what happened on the honeymoon*

    Not So Sweet Toothed

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.)

    Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”

    Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”

    Lady: “I’m a dentist…”

    Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?”

    Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.”

    Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”


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