The Phone Is On, But No One’s Home

| California, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hey, How can I help you?”

Customer: “Turn off my phone!” (She thrusts her cell phone at me, urging me to take it.)

Me: “Um…okay. One moment.” (I look at the screen; the screen is blank.) “Are you sure it isn’t already off?”

Customer: “Turn off my phone!”

(I press one of the arrow keys to test if the phone is on, and the screen comes to life, informing me the keypad is locked.)

Me: “Oh, it is on. But it’s locked. If you let me unlock it, I can-”

Customer: “I don’t want you touching my phone!”

Me: “But you-”

Customer: “Can you turn my phone off or not?”

Me: “No, sorry, I can’t.”

Customer: *taking back the phone* “If this goes off in the theater, it’s not my fault!”

Related:
The Lights Are Off But Sadly Someones Home

Too Ham Fisted To Realize

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do you have any kosher ham here?”

Me: “No, I don’t think there is such a thing.”

Customer: “Darn it! I’ve been to three stores today, and none of them had it either. My husband’s parents are in town, and they’re Jewish. I wanted to make them dinner.”

Me: “I don’t think Jews are allowed to eat pig.”

Customer: “Duh, that’s why I need to get it kosher, so they can eat it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think they make any kosher ham.”

Customer: “What about pork?”

Freedom Fries Aren’t Free

| Canada | Uncategorized

(A customer man tries to pay with with American money.)

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t take American currency? That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but it’s a private business, not corporate, and the owner doesn’t accept foreign currency.”

Customer: “Foreign currency? Bah! We should have conquered you people a hundred years ago!”

Me: “Actually, sir, America invaded Canada a few times. However, they were defeated each time.”

Customer: “Yes, well that wouldn’t be the case today! Now give me some good old American fast food! You can’t take that away from me!”

Me: “Would you like French Fries with that?”

Judging Helps You To (Ac)Quit Unhealthy Eating

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(A woman comes into my cashier line with a single bag of chips.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “You rang me up last time! Don’t judge me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “You’re judging me! Stop judging me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was just asking if you found everything.”

Customer: “Stop judging me!” *begins gasping hysterically*

Manager: “Ma’am, how can I assist you? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “She’s judging me! She’s going to call my husband!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have no idea who your husband is. I won’t be calling him.”

Customer: “You rang me up last time and now you’re judging me!”

Manager: “What did she say to you?”

Customer: “Nothing! But she knows I bought these chips yesterday!”

Me: “Ma’am, I may have rung you up yesterday, but I don’t recall doing so. I handle hundreds of transactions.”

Customer: “You’re lying! You know I bought these chips and you know that I’ve eaten the whole bag already and you’re going to call my husband! I was going to sneak these into the house so he wouldn’t know I’d finished the bag but you’re judging me!”

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “You’ve got an accent.”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve heard that. I’m not from here.”

Customer: “You’re American?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from upstate New York.”

Customer: “But American, right? You’ve got a visa? You need one to work here?”

Me: “No, I don’t have a visa–”

Customer: “Holy s***! You’re illegal? They know you’re illegal here?”

Me: “I’m not illegal. I’m from upstate New York, near Canada.”

Customer: “Oh, if you’re from Canada, you’re not really illegal then. Canada’s like America, just different. Welcome to our country. I’m looking for a book. You probably only read books in Canadian, but I can help you with the language and you can find me a book here.”

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat

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