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    Misunderstanding ‘Friendly Service’

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Okay, your total will be $**.”

    Customer: *pays with card*

    Me: “May I see ID, please? Your card is not signed.”

    Customer: “No! That’s an invasion of privacy. I don’t want you to know my name and try to find me online.”

    Me: “It’s company policy. I’m on camera, and your name is on here anyway.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

    Me: “I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Fine! I don’t want any random friend requests!”

    Me: “I’ll fight the urge, I promise.”

    Owning A Pet Is Having A Ball

    | WI, USA | Uncategorized

    (Customer comes in to buy some more mice because hers aren’t breeding.)

    Customer: “How do you tell if the mice are male or female?”

    Me: “Well, the easiest way to tell is the males have quite prominent testicles.”

    Customer: “I didn’t know mice had testicles!”

    Me: “That’s probably why your mice aren’t breeding.”

    At A Loss For Words

    | NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    (A younger teenager comes into the store with his dad.)

    Customer: “My teacher says I need to get a book for school.”

    Me: “What’s the title?”

    Customer: “I think it was something like ‘Col-ij-it’. Yeah, that’s definitely it.”

    Me: “How would you spell it?”

    Customer: “C, O, L, I, J, I, T?”

    (I search, and nothing comes up.)

    Me: “Do you know the author?”

    Customer: “I know it was a girl. Maybe like Maryanne? Something like that?”

    Me: “Do you mean you need a Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, but I’m not going to college or anything.”

    Oh Call Him At Home, Where The Phone Charges Roam

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen 3 weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

    Me: “Hello sir, this is [name] from [service provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

    Customer Cell Phone: *click*

    Landline: *click*

    (I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

    The Following Stupidity Takes Place In Real Time

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Uncategorized

    (A very intoxicated guest walks in at night.)

    Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

    Guest: “I lost the key to my room.”

    Me: “Do you have your photo ID?”

    Guest: “No, I lost it. My room number is 4321.”

    (Our highest room number is 558.)

    Me: “What is the name on the room?”

    Guest: “Jack. Jack Bauer.”

    Me: “We don’t have a Mr. Bauer staying with us tonight.”

    Guest: “That’s ridiculous! Jack Bauer fights terrorism everywhere! All the time!”

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