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  • On The Importance Of Appropriate Segue-ways

    | Virginia, USA |

    (Note: I look a little young for my age, but not by that much.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for someone who can help me find a book.”

    Me: “I can help you. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “What? You can’t possibly work here. You look like you’re about 12.”

    Me: “Actually, I’m 20. What can I help you find?”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Where’s your manager? I can’t believe he has little kids working.”

    Me: “I can assure you, I’m 20.”

    Customer: “Let me see your ID, then.”

    Me: “What?”

    (She then turns to my boyfriend, who has come in to visit me.)

    Customer: “Are you her boyfriend?”

    My boyfriend: “Yes…”

    Customer: “How can you date someone who looks like that?”

    My boyfriend: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “That’s disgusting. I think you’re a pervert!”

    (The customer then turns back to me, and without skipping a beat asks…)

    Customer: “Where are the romance novels?”

    It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

    | Dublin |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

    Customer: “Well *** brand says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

    Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

    Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

    There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.)

    Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?”

    Me: “…make her…ashes into a tiara?”

    Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?”

    Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?”

    Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.”

    (I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally I answer.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.”

    Fifi Lives Another Day

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (A rich-looking older lady was on vacation from Florida, and stopped by our store.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.”

    Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.”

    Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff*

    (Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!)

    One Man’s Art Is Another Man’s Political Agenda

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, this is **** Video.”

    Customer: “Yes. I would like a refund. This movie is in a different language!”

    Me: “What movie is it?”

    Customer:Pan’s Labyrinth.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. That’s a foreign film. If you’d like, you can comen exchange it for an English-language film.”

    Customer: “Why do they do that?”

    Me: “Do what, sir?”

    Customer: “Make movies in other languages.”

    Me: “It wasn’t made in America, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not giving them immigrants any of my money!”

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