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    Methinks His Digital Mistress Was Sabotaged

    | Muskegon, MI, USA |

    Customer: “My husband spilled a milkshake on his laptop’s keyboard.”

    Me: “Okay, well it appears that you have our accidental service plan, so let’s get you squared away and get this laptop fixed.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s great! when will it be back?”

    Me: “Two to four weeks.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s not good.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Customer: “Do you give loaners?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid we do not.”

    Customer: “Great! You mean he wont be able to watch his porn then?!”

    Me: *blank look*

    He’ll Raise The Dead And Validate Your Parking

    , | Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (A woman comes in to my clinic with her 6-year-old daughter and approaches the receptionist.)

    Customer: “Hi, I need my daughter’s eyes fixed.”

    Employee: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “My daughter. She’s blind. I need you to fix it.”

    Employee: “Oh, um…is she totally blind? Can’t see a thing? How about light?”

    Customer: “No, she’s completely blind.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t think we can help you. How long has she been this way?”

    Customer: “Oh, all her life. She was born blind.”

    Employee: “…why didn’t you look for help earlier?”


    (After listening in on the conversation, I decide step in.)

    Me: “Is there a problem here?”

    Customer: *pulls her daughter’s arm* “Yes. My daughter is blind and you need to fix it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing we can do. We don’t treat things like that here.”

    Customer: “NO! You call yourself an eye doctor! You must be able to fix her, and you WILL!”

    Me: “Like I said, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, god**** you all to h***! I’m going somewhere that will actually help us!”

    Me: “Ask Jesus, I heard he was good at that.”

    Customer: *storms out*

    I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

    | Towson, MD, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things, we sell food.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

    (He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

    Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

    (I call the manager, who walks over.)

    Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least…carrots.”

    Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

    Customer: *walks out*

    Walking A Thin Line

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss – what size are you?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want to buy these pants for my granddaughter, my dear, and she’s about your size.”

    Me: “Oh, well…the jeans I’m wearing right now are from this store, and they’re a size 4.”

    Customer: “WELL! She is certainly not that fat!”

    Me: “Um, well, sometimes people carry their weight differently. Perhaps she would fit in a size 2 better?”

    Customer: “My dear, I didn’t mean to offend you – you’re not too fat. My granddaughter is small. And a big hussy. That’s why I want to buy her new pants. She looks like such a tramp.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I suppose maybe I’ll just buy her a blouse instead.”

    Ben’s OK, Jerry’s Gone Nuts

    | Colorado, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like your biggest cup of pecan ice cream.”

    (I serve it up and continue with the rest of the customers. About 15 minutes later, the same guy shows up.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with this ice cream. It’s more nuts than it is anything else!”

    (I look down and see there’s only 2 bites of ice cream left.)

    Me: “I’m sorry – I’d be happy to give you another flavor if you’d like.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous – do you make the ice cream yourself?”

    Me: “We do make it right here every day.”

    Customer: “No, I mean do YOU make it?”

    Me: “No, we have people in charge of making the ice cream.”

    Customer: “You should really try the ice cream before you give it out to people, to warn them.”

    Me: “…so what ice cream would you like instead?”

    Customer: “I’ll take the peanut butter one.”

    Me: “I’ve tried that one and it’s made with real peanuts. You might encounter the same problem.”

    Customer: “Did I ask you for your opinion on it?”

    Me: “…”

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