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    You’re Only As Old As You Act

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

    Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

    Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

    Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

    (She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

    Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

    Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

    Me: “…”

    Jason Voorhees Finds Work

    | St Paul, MN, USA |

    Customer: “You’re scary.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You’re scary. Your face is scary.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t change how my face looks.”

    Customer: “You need to. You work in a store. You need to be less scary. Change your face.”

    Me: “…again, I’m sorry my face scares you. Have a good day.”

    That Hot Tub Had Better Be Filled With Spermicide

    | Albany, NY, USA | Top

    (A woman comes in walking with her daughter trailing behind her and cuts in front on several people.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but someone here yesterday told my 15 year old daughter she was pregnant and I would like to complain.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can straighten this out. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in line, these people were–”

    Customer: “This won’t take long. I just need you to apologize for lying!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t diagnose your daughter so if–”

    Customer: “She can’t be pregnant, she’s 15 AND a virgin. She’s waiting until marriage so unless this is the immaculate conception, I’m going to need an apology.”

    Me: “Ma’am, like I said, I did not personally–”

    Customer: “How hard is it to get an apology here!?! YOU CANNOT JUST GO AROUND TELLING YOUNG GIRLS THEY ARE PREGNANT! THIS IS WHY THE TEEN PREGNANCY RATES ARE SO HIGH, YOU KNOW!

    Me: “Ma’am, it doesn’t quite work like that. Now, if you could just–”

    Customer: “All I want is an apology. My daughter has been traumatized!”

    Me: “Fine, I’ll call the doctor and I’ll see if he can speak to you for a moment.”

    Customer: “Tell him to get his butt down here right away, too. My daughter had to leave her boyfriend in the hot tub!”

    Speaking Of Analog To Digital Transitions…

    , | Savannah, GA, USA |

    (An elderly man walks into my cellphone store.)

    Customer: “My phone doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, what is it doing?”

    Customer: “It’s not calling.”

    Me: “Did anything happen before it quit working?”

    Customer: “No, it just quit.”

    Me: “I’m going to do a test call. Can I call your phone, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes. It rings, it just wont call.”

    Me: “Hmm, okay. If it takes calls, it should send calls.”

    (I call his phone and it works.)

    Customer: “Well, it doesn’t call out! Are you stupid?”

    (I call my phone with his and it works. I show him my ringing phone)

    Me: “Sir, it seems like your phone is working. It’s calling my phone now.”

    Customer: “NO! Call [phone number].”

    Me: “So, it’s only not working when you call that number?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “There must be a problem with that person’s phone…”

    Customer: “NO! I have to call them! It must be YOUR fault!”

    (I call the number and hear an electronic signal.)

    Me: “Sir, it’s a fax number.”

    Milton Goes To The Buffet

    , | Vancouver, WA, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at a buffet restaurant. A customer walks up and is kinda twitchy. We go through the transaction and I am about to staple the receipt to the ticket…)

    Customer: “NO! DON’T STAPLE! DON’T STAPLE! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU STAPLE MY TICKET…!”

    Me: “Uh, okay sir, I won’t staple it for you…”

    (All of a sudden, the customer calms down. He smiles, and walks away, only to later approach me again.)

    Customer: “Ma’am, I think there is a problem in your bathrooms.”

    Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, in the men’s bathroom the left… left… faucet has very… very… poor water pressure.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I will come in again, and if you have not fixed this problem by then, I’m afraid I’m going to have to speak with a manager.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I will let a manager know.”

    Customer: “Please do so… immediately.”

    Me: “Immediately.”

    Customer: *smiles a creepy smile and walks away*

    Related: Milton from Office Space

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