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    Iraq, Land Of Crappy Return Policies

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

    Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

    (She hands me a receipt.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

    Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the g**d*** knives! Take them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

    Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, g**d*** it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

    Customer: “You g**d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f***ing knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

    Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s because of f***ing fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

    Basic Subtraction, Part 2

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

    Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

    Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

    Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

    Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

    Me: “Sure… anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”

    Related:
    Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee

    Just Throw It In The Cockpit

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Elderly passenger: “Can you take my bag from the overhead bin and put it in the row?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re in the exit row. It must remain clear.”

    Elderly passenger: “Well, how about up front by the door?”

    Me: “No, that must remain clear as well.”

    Elderly passenger: “Just put it in the aisle, then.”

    Me: “…”

    Sorry, You’ve Just Exceeded Our Stupid Quota

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (It was an hour before closing, and all of us were very tired–the manager included.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “What does the chicken sandwich look like?” *points at a picture of it*

    Me: “It looks just like the one in the picture, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? How long have you been working here?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I’m sure. I’ve been working here over a year.”

    Customer: “Well, um… I guess I’ll get that one.”

    (I take her money and give her the chicken sandwich.)

    Customer: “This is not what it looks like!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Get me your manager, d*** it!”

    Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “This chicken sandwich is not like in the picture!”

    Manager: “Yes, you’re right. The one the picture is over a foot wide and fake.”

    Customer: “I will not stand for this!”

    Manager: “Either will I. Leave my employees alone!”

    Customer: *starts screaming*

    Manager: “You have a happy go lucky day now, ma’am!”

    Related:
    Just Another Day At Work
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

    Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

    Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

    Man: “But I’m only 50-something and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

    Me: “You smoke 30 a day and drink 2 cartons beer a week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

    Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger!¬†If I keep drinking AND smoking, I’ll be fine!”

    Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

    Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

    Me: “That’s really not a good idea…”

    Man: “What would you know?!”

    Me: *gives up*


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