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    Logic That Doesn’t Hold Water

    | Green Brook, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    (I recently sold a pool to an elderly customer. Right after the installers leave, she calls the store.)

    Customer: “Hi, may I speak with [me]?”

    Me: “This is [me], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I just had my pool installed today.”

    Me: “Oh yes, how did everything go? Are you satisfied with the job?”

    Customer: “Yes everything is perfect, but I was wondering what box the water came in? I think the delivery men may have forgotten it.”

    Lack Of Common Sense Can Get you Fired

    | New Zealand | Uncategorized

    (We monitor intruder and fire/smoke alarms. After activation, all fire/smoke alarms need to be manually restored by a user code.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] from [company] calling. Am I speaking with [contact name]?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “We had a smoke alarm activation earlier today, and as per the instructions on your file we advised the fire service to attend. They found nothing wrong, but I’m calling to advise you that the smoke alarm needs to be reset.”

    Customer: “You had a smoke alarm?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Customer: “And you sent the fire service?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Customer: “What the h*** did you do that for?”

    Me: “Because those are the instructions we have on file, sir.”

    Customer: “You should have sent a patrol! This is ridiculous!”

    (Note that standard patrol response time is around 45mins, depending on various factors including traffic.)

    Me: “Sir, if there was a confirmed fire on site, there wouldn’t be much a patrol could do.”

    Customer: “They could have called the fire service!”

    Bloody Stupid

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (The previous customer had purchased nineteen whole chickens. The packaging leaked chicken blood/juice onto the cashier belt.)

    Me: “Just one second, ma’am. I’m going to clean the belt off first. There’s a ton of chicken blood on it and it’s pretty nasty.”

    Customer: “Excuse me? Do you think I’m stupid?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite get what you mean.”

    Customer: “I’m not an idiot. A chicken is a bird, and birds don’t bleed!”

    A Real Classic

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Top

    (I am a customer talking to a sales person when I am interrupted by another customer.)

    Customer: “Do you have any Beethoven?”

    Sales Person: “Certainly, our Classical section has quite a selection of Beethoven.”

    Customer: “Well, I couldn’t find any of Beethoven, only various orchestras performing Beethoven’s music. Don’t you have any live Beethoven?”

    Sales Person: “Well, no we don’t, and I don’t think you will manage to find that anywhere.”

    Customer: “Well I bet [other store] has it across the way.”

    Sales Person: “Well, I would doubt that, but you are welcome to check.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you think they will have it?”

    Me: (I just had to interrupt.) “Well, because everyone knows that all the live copies of Beethoven burned up in his estate fire.”

    Customer: “Well I didn’t know that. So if there are no live recordings anywhere, how do people know what it sounds like?”

    Me: “Well the sheet music was luckily printed on fireproof paper.”

    Customer: “Wow, they had fireproof paper back then?”

    Santa Baby

    | United Kingdom | Uncategorized

    (I am a supervisor in a daycare. It is Christmas Eve and a child’s mother has arrived to pick him up.)

    Mother: “So, is it okay if I send in his presents with him tomorrow so he can open them here?”

    Me: “Tomorrow? It’s Christmas Day tomorrow…we’ll be closed.”

    Mother: “What? You’re closed tomorrow? But what am I supposed to do with my kid?”

    Me: “Oh, do you have to work tomorrow? That’s unfortunate.”

    Mother: “Work tomorrow? No, I booked it off a long time ago. Why are you closed tomorrow? You’re always open!”

    Me: “Christmas Day is the only day we’re closed all year.”

    Mother: “Well I don’t want him under my feet on Christmas!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Mother: “You don’t want to baby-sit, do you?”

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