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    Man Cannot Live By Water Alone

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. ¬†Can I get you anything to drink?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

    Me: “Coming right up.”

    Me: delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

    Customer: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

    Me: “Er…yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

    Customer: “I would appreciate it.”

    (I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

    Customer: “Oh Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

    Customer: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

    Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

    Customer: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

    Me: “Well..we have grilled cheese, and–”

    Customer: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

    Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

    Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

    Customer: “Goodness! You god**** animal murderers deserve to go to hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

    Me: “OUT!”

    Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

    Self-Rising Expectations

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

    Me: “Yes sir, every day.”

    Customer: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

    Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

    Customer: “So you’re cheaters then?!”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

    Customer: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

    Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”

    Thievers Can’t Be Choosers

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… wait a second, are you calling from outside the hotel?”

    (I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

    Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

    Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

    Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

    (Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

    The Effect Of High Tide On Man-In-The-Moon Bowlers

    | California, USA |

    (Note: We are 2 blocks away from the beach.)

    Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every 8 weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

    Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

    Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

    Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

    Me: “Oh yeah, I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

    Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

    Around The World…Eventually

    | Santa Cruz, CA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

    Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

    Caller: “Highway One.”

    Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

    Caller: “South.”

    Me: “Ok, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

    Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what city are you in?”

    Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

    Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

    Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway South to get to you!”

    Me: “Well then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

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