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    Not The Cream Of The Crop

    | UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I bought my crops on Farmville using your card. I forgot to water them and they’ve all died. Am I covered on purchase protection for that?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Caller: “I thought you’d be like that. Thanks anyway.” *click*

    Explanations As Clear As Water

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool Store], how may I help?”

    Caller: “How much would a new pump be for my pool?”

    Me: “Have you got an in-ground or an above-ground?”

    Caller: *long pause* “I don’t know.”

    Me: “You don’t know?”

    Caller: “No! How could I?”

    Me: “Alright. Go into your back yard, and run at the pool. If you fall in, it’s probably an in-ground. If you bounce off, it’s an above-ground.”

    Zombies Need Healthcare Too

    | South Bend, IN, USA | Uncategorized, Zombies

    (I am on the phone.)

    Me: “Dermatology, how may I help you?”

    Patient: “Hi, I just had an autopsy done. I’d like to know my results.”

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    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    A Picture Perfect Resolution

    | Lakewood, NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I came in a couple hours ago to pick up my pictures, and my wife says we’re 17 pictures short! This always happens when we come here! Is it really so hard to keep track of one f***ing order?”

    (The customer continues to rant for several minutes, getting louder and more obscene. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I was in there an hour and a half ago and the dumb*** in front of me left 17 pictures on the counter that I accidentally took home with my pictures. What kind of moron leaves pictures on the counter?”

    (I hand the phone to the irate customer.)

    Me: “It’s for you.”

    Moving From Utah To Utero

    | Lincoln, NE, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to talk to one of your supervisors. His name is Greg.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I can’t transfer you to any particular supervisor since there are over forty of them in the building. But I’m sure I can help you.”

    Caller: “Is this the call center in Utah?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the one in Nebraska. The one in Utah takes over at midnight.”

    Caller: “Well, I knew Greg when I lived in Utah and he said he worked for you. I just moved down to Texas. And I really need to get hold of him, but he’s not answering. So, transfer me to Greg.”

    Me: “Like I said ma’am, I can’t transfer you to a specific supervisor, but I’m sure I can help you.”

    Caller: “No, you can’t!”

    Me: “Well, I can try.”

    Caller: “Trust me, you can’t!”

    Me: “Well, why not, ma’am?”

    Caller: “I’M PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!”

    Me: “Oh…I see.”

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